Still Single? How to Narrow Your Search for the Perfect Partner

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

You can’t just walk into a bar and expect to find the perfect mate at random. Believe me; I’ve tried. In order to save precious time and up your dating vibration, you need to know exactly what kind of person you’re looking for.

The following questionnaire will help you create a profile of your perfect partner. Then, with list in hand, you can hit the bars and weed out anyone who doesn’t match. That might be everybody in the bar but, hey, better to be alone than married to a person who thinks Hermès is a disease.

Have fun and good luck!

1. My ideal partner should be up to date on issues about:
1. U.S. foreign policy
2. Best Buy’s return policy
3. Organic farming practices
4. Snooki’s pregnancy
   
   
2. My ideal (male) partner’s appearance should closely resemble:
1. George Stephanopoulos
2. George Jetson
3. Boy George
4. George Foreman
   
   
3. My ideal (female) partner’s appearance should closely resemble:



"I, Mother Earth" by David Demaret

1. Reese Witherspoon
2. Princess Leia
3. Mother Earth
4. One of the Kardashians
   
   
4. Regarding money matters, my ideal partner should:
1. Have people who take care of such things for us
2. Be wisely invested and knowledgeable of all things financial
3. Be ready to sell it all and live off the grid
4. Be willing to go on reality TV to make a few bucks
   
   
5. My ideal partner and I would spend our evenings:
1. Watching the news while sipping dry martinis
2. At the dining room table, chatting via our iMacs
3. Shopping at Whole Foods
4. Out clubbing to the latest Rihanna hit
   
   
   
   
   
6. To my ideal partner, a successful “night out on the town” means:
1. Staying awake past 9:00 p.m.
2. Hosting a party on The Sims 2
3. Joining a rally for gay rights
4. Getting your picture in the tabloids
   
   
7. My ideal partner’s vision of our future includes:
1. Two careers, two kids, two dogs, two pre-nups
2. Cyber pets and time travel
3. Sustainable communities and adoption
4. Season tickets and hangovers
   
   

8. My ideal partner’s marriage proposal should include the word:
1. Forever
2. Twitter
3. Ecologically-sourced
4. Bling
   
9. The song that defines true love for my ideal partner is:
1. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston
2. “IMpossible” by Figurine
3. “Peace Train” by Cat Stevens
4. “Put It On Me” by Ja Rule
   
   
10. My ideal partner’s exercise regimen should include:
1. Daily gym workouts
2. Sarcastic eyebrow lifts
3. Regular nature hikes
4. Steroids
   
   

11. A typical gift from my ideal partner would be:
1. Cartier
2. The latest techie gadget
3. Homemade pesto
4. Sex

How Gardening Changed My Life

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

This year my wife said to me, “We should plant a vegetable garden.” Which really meant, “You should plant a vegetable garden because I have allergies and a bad back.” Her biggest selling point was that there’d be less lawn to mow. What she didn’t tell me was that I’d spend more time tending the garden than I ever did mowing.

My wife did contribute. She went out and bought the seeds while I constructed six raised beds beneath the blazing noonday sun. All so I could eat more broccoli.

Armed with my new knowledge of vegetable gardening, my first bit of advice is: DON'T DO IT! But if that ship has already sailed, here are some tips.


How to Build a Raised Bed 
 

Plants do not like the soil that actually comes with your house, so you will need to build cozy beds for them to grow in. Here’s what to do:

1. Option A - Build from scratch
1. Buy highly expensive wood from the lumberyard. (Not pressure-treated wood, which will leach chemicals into your food. You must get non-treated wood, which will only last a few years unless you are planting your garden where weather does not affect it, such as inside the house.)
2. Borrow your neighbor’s power saw. Joke about slicing your fingers off.
3. Cut the wood to size. Worry about slicing your fingers off.
4. Assemble wood into a square or rectangle or, more likely, a rhombus since it’s damn near impossible to get four perfectly square corners.
5. Pound nails into the wood. Take very long beer break after pounding your thumb one too many times.



Photo by arkworld Pete.

2. Option B – Use a kit
1. Pay even more money for one of those ready-to-assemble raised bed kits from Lowe’s (which will only last a few years unless you are planting your garden where weather does not affect it such as inside the house).
2. Pay the neighbor’s kid to assemble it while you sit back with a beer.
 

How to Plant and Tend Your Garden

1. Fill the beds with dirt. You’ll find yourself shelling out big bucks for something you yell at the kids for playing in. However, plants like fancy dirt. Compost, it’s called. You crunchy folks will be able to use the compost from the rotting produce in your backyard bins. The rest of you will have to buy bags of compost from your local nursery or garden center. And I mean lots of bags. Lots of trips to the garden center. Usually during the NBA playoffs and when it’s raining.



2. Plant seeds or seedlings. This may sound like the easy part, but do not be fooled. You cannot happily sow plants at random. Veggies are very particular about their location and their neighbors. Even if you’ve never gardened before, you must be able to envision how the garden will look come August so that you don’t put tall plants like tomatoes in areas where they’ll block the sun from short plants like radishes. (Radishes, by the way, are very quick and easy to grow which is why we have them in our garden even though we never eat radishes.) 


   
   You must do comprehensive research on which plants get along. Plan to spend a full day at the library for this part. It is a very complicated arrangement that will remind you of the guest dinner seating at your wedding. Beans, for instance, do not like basil or onions, so keep them far apart. However, beans will happily co-habitate with carrots or celery, BUT carrots do not like celery so be sure they do not get near each other while hanging out with the beans. And rather like Uncle Louie at your wedding, nobody likes the potato. If you invite him into your garden, you’re better off giving him a plot all his own. 


   
   One more thing about sowing seeds: Be sure to do it sober enough to comprehend the instructions on the seed packets. It can get very confusing. And you don’t want to sow a crop ½” deep and 2” apart when it really needs to be ¼” deep, 5” apart, 45 degrees to the north and six feet under.






Diary from EasyPeasy Vegetable Gardening

3. Tend the garden. Once the veggies are in the ground, the trouble begins. Now you must check almost daily for weeds and soil dampness and bugs. You will feel a bit like a harried waiter as every plant has its own specific requirements. Some will prefer lots of nitrogen in their soil while others want just a little bit on the side. Some need to dry out between waterings; some are waterholics.
   
   You may pull your car into the driveway after a long day at the office and try to sneak by the plants into the house. But they will give you wilted looks and send bees buzzing around your ears until you pay them some attention. None of them will tip you.



4. Keep a veggie diary. Apparently, it’s a good idea to keep a notebook of exactly where you plant your vegetables and how well they’re doing so that next year you can read your notes and wonder how you got roped into doing this again.

Veggies Everyone Should Have in Their Garden

1. Tomatoes  It’s not a real garden without them. And they have many uses such as eating them right from the vine, making pasta sauce, adding to salads or using them for target practice at the squirrels who keep digging up your garden.
2. Radishes  See above.
3. Basil  Another easy to grow plant. It’s so easy, that you might end up with basil bushes if you don’t harvest it frequently. My wife uses it in her famous pesto. Famous not because it’s really good, but because it’s what she always whips up for summer potlucks. As in, “Oh, the Ticklesons are coming? Better make something to go with pesto.”



Design by Saxton Freymann

4. Zucchini  This is what third-world countries should be growing. Just one plant will provide enough zucchini to feed an entire village for one year.
5. Green Onions  Plant these purely for the fun of drawing faces on the bulbs.
6. Kale and Spinach  These hardy veggies don’t mind colder temperatures and are among the healthiest things you can put in your mouth. When basil season is over, we use them in a party salad that everyone admires and no one ever eats.

A Few More Things You Should Know

1. The money you spend on your garden will be much, much more than if you just bought your veggies at the supermarket.
2. Once you commit to a garden, you can no longer take summer vacations. Because nobody will house sit once informed of the fact that they will be weeding, watering, harvesting and handing out zucchinis to the neighbors on a daily basis.

As much as I’ve complained here, I have discovered the upside of the gardening life. When we’re in the house on a weekend with nothing to do and I notice my wife’s eye wandering to some home improvement project, I immediately jump up and tell her I’ll be “working in the garden.” Then I head out to the tool shed where I watch the ballgame on my little TV. Due to her allergies, my wife never comes out to the garden to check up on me.

She never reads my column either, so my secret is still safe.

UNIQUE FATHER'S DAY GIFT Ideas for Every Dad from Gays to Geeks!

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

2012 marks the 40th anniversary of celebrating Father’s Day as a nationwide holiday, and it was a hard-fought battle to achieve that status. Mother’s Day became an instant success as a commercial holiday back in 1908, but as one florist so bluntly put it, “fathers haven’t the same sentimental appeal that mothers have.”

True as this may be, it doesn’t mean dear old dad should get the shaft when it comes to gifts. Whether he’s a deadbeat dad or a domineering dolt, below are some ideas on how to spend your money this Father’ Day.

THE JOCK DAD

"Grandma's Dead" by Amanda McCall & Ben Schwartz

Got a hunter on your hands? Give him the best-selling Buck the Animated Trophy, a wall-mounted creature who cracks sarcastic comments in between verses of  “Sweet Home Alabama.”  •  Safety first! Protect Dad’s skin while he’s on the golf course or the kids’ soccer field with Will Ferrell’s Sexy Hot Tan Sunscreen. (30 SPF and PABA free)  •  Does your sports enthusiast communicate in a series of grunts and four-letter words? Relieve him of the frustration of talking to the kids with this sensitive, laugh-a-minute book of postcards: “Grandma’s Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals.”

THE GEEK DAD  

Your lovable geek may know all the latest apps and techie jargon, but is he jive on pop culture? More than likely, the kids are embarrassed by his tragic un-hipness and liberal use of the word “dude.” Aside from getting him a decent hairstyle, try these Slang Flashcards that introduce Dad to the contemporary word world.  •  Social media nerds will adore these “Like” cufflinks. (Be sure to ‘like’ them on Facebook.)  •  For the eco-geek, plant a tree—a Giant Sequoia, that is. This DIY kit comes in a can with everything but the water and sunshine. It’s the gift that keeps on growing as Giant Sequoias can grow up to 300 feet tall!

You in a masterpiece painting.

THE GAY DAD  

Blending the traditional Father’s Day necktie with the gay dad’s love for musicals, you’ve got the perfect gift with this Musical Tie of the Month Club. The first month features a Yodeling Swiss tie in a fetching crimson.  •  For the art lover and drag queen, why not put his picture on the Mona Lisa? With painting sizes ranging from 8x10” to 24x30,” he’ll feel like a masterpiece!  •  Or you can just buy this boring “My dad is so gay” coffee mug. Available only in gay yellow.

THE CELLULOID DAD 

Star Wars buffs in touch with their dark side will love this Darth Vader costume for Halloween trick-or-treating, bedroom role-playing or just hanging around the house.  •  For the man who Tevos every episode of every CSI spinoff (as well as Bones and Cops), try this Fuzz Crime Scene Scarf. The cozy, yellow and black scarf measures five feet long, four inches wide and comes with its own mug shot.  •  For the Hitchcock fan, spice up the shower with this Psycho-themed shower curtain. Blood not included.

OTHER DADS 


Watch Dad get drunk with these notebook flasks.

Knowing the male penchant for flatulent humor, Baron Bob offers an assortment of gassy gag gifts including the farting mug (emits six realistic fart sounds when lifted up) and the Butt Putt Golf Farting Practice Putter.  •  A notch up the class ladder is this New York Times bestseller, Sh*t My Dad Says where the author cashes in on the crassness of his father. An example of said father’s wisdom: “ON MY BLOODY NOSE: What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?! The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.”  •  And if none of these ideas strike your fancy, you can always fall back on tradition. Not ties, but intoxicants. Dress up Dad’s favorite drink in these old school flasks.

Will Ferrell's Sexy Sunscreen

Father's Day is Sunday, June 17.
Happy Shopping!

This Week in the CLASSIFIEDS

Photo by Mikel-Uribetxeberria and Ricky Stern

LOST:
300-pound pet gorilla. Last seen downtown at the Home and Garden Show. Likes crunchy seeds, large fruit and soft bedding. He is not a physical threat, but may wear you down mentally with his pensive glares. Answers to the name “Ishmael.”

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Is alcohol ruining your life?
Let go and let God. He attends the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings at the United Methodist Church, Wednesdays at 7:00. Wait until you taste his brownies!

Call Bob W. for more details (unless you are Janice M. who is no longer allowed at AA due to 13th stepping).

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HELP WANTED


Animal Care Assistant: Rotten Apple Circus, an upscale entertainment organization, is seeking an experienced, professional and motivated animal assistant. Must have: experience with large mammals, good hand-eye coordination and the ability to thrive under unpleasant olfactory conditions. Full training provided for the right candidate!

Secreterry Needed for Start-up Company. Must be 18 years old with 20 yeers experience. Must have strong knollidge of Microsoft Word and coffee machines. Blondes prefered. Send resimay to this add. Apply in person.

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PERSONALS

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