Man Traces His Ancestry Back to Greek Gods

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

A certain pasty-faced, brown-haired young man has become something of a local celebrity in his hometown of Lime Springs, Iowa, since announcing that he’s related to the mythical Greek gods.

“Of course, I always questioned the name Ares,” said Ares Phaëthon Smith, 26, when I spoke with him recently. “My adoptive parents tried to pass it off as family name from their side, but come on. Their last name is Smith…

“I went on Ancestry.com where for just $49.95 I uncovered some records that started me down the right path.

"It looks like Zeus is my real dad. Of course he fathered a gazillion kids so that’s nothing special. My mom is a mortal named Crystal. She lives in Vegas where she works as a showgirl, so I tracked her down and we met up for lunch. I can see Zeus’ attraction.” 

What led Mr. Smith to dig up his family history now?

“Well,” Ares explained. “I love my adoptive parents, don’t get me wrong, but I never really felt like I belonged. I’m much taller than they are and not at all interested in corn. Then I noticed strange things about myself like my ability to communicate with eagles. Plus I was hit by lightning last summer and came away totally unaffected. The lightning bolt is Zeus’ symbol, so you can see the connection.”

Hmmm…

Ares went on, “I know you’re thinking ‘Why is my name Ares if Zeus is my dad?’ Well my mother didn’t want Hera to find out about another of Zeus’ affairs. She’d probably have killed me or Mom in one of her jealous rages. So she named me after the god Ares because no one gives a crap what he’s up to.

“Supposedly, I have a sister around my age too. Mom got a little too flirty with Dionysus one night after tasting his wine. I might try and track her down next. It’d be cool to have a sister. Plus, she might be hot.”

Ares' parents: Mr. and Mrs. Smith of Iowa

And what do Mr. Smith’s adoptive parents think of this genealogical discovery?

“Well, it’s not too pretty right now,” admitted Ares. “They’re saying my head is screwed up and that I’ll believe anything a pretty, red-headed showgirl says. Honestly, it takes all my willpower not to kill them with my semi-immortal strength.

“Which is something I inherited from my dad, of course. I get my curly red hair from Crystal and my thunder thighs from Zeus. 

“How cool does this make me, huh? A son of Zeus! Wish I had known this in high school when other kids were tossing me into lockers. It also explains my lack of commitment in relationships,” explained Ares. “Zeus couldn’t keep it in his pants for one minute, so what’s a son to do?”

What does this discovery mean to him?

“I’ve met people who get excited that they’ve traced their family history back to the Mayflower. Big deal. What is that, like 100 years ago? My history goes back to the beginning of time, man. Plus, my father will never die.

“And I’m looking forward to Uncle Hades’ birthday celebration next week. Haven’t yet figured out how I’ll get to Mount Olympus. I’m hoping there’s a bus… My plan is to videotape the celebration and post it on YouTube. If it goes viral, I’ll be semi-immortal AND dope!”

Yes, indeed, Mr. Smith.