The Truth About St. Patrick

by Darby the Leprechaun (as told to Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer)

Hallo there, kiddies! Me name’s Darby, and I’m here to tell you about that man you know as “Saint” Patrick. He’s not quite the serious fellow folks make him out to be in these pictures. Look at that frowny mug. Why if that’s the real Patrick, then call me a fairy!

Me boy Patrick was a spritely child, full of life and mischief. The son of wealthy parents. And not at all religious. Why I knew them meself – his father worked as a Christian deacon just for the tax benefits and the free wine!

History tells you that Patrick was kidnapped at the age of 16 by Irish pirates and sold into slavery where he turned to religion for comfort. That’s a bunch of crap! (Oops, sorry kids.)

Indeed Paddy was captured by a group of Druids (Celtic term for nature-lovin’ magical priests) who made their living selling cabbages door to door. Patrick suggested adding a side of corned beef, and the traditional Irish meal was born.

His new friends taught Patrick the fine skills of storytelling, sheep farming and Irish music. Oh, he loved the music did he! He learnt to play the fiddle, the bodhran and the uilleann pipes, eventually leaving County Mayo with his newly formed a band, Paddy and the Druids.

Again, history would have you believe that Patrick escaped from those nasty Druids, receiving divine messages about a mission to convert the Irish to Christianity.

Here’s what really happened:

Paddy and the Druids walked into a pub. After playing some snappy tunes for the patrons, Patrick got so drunk that he started spinning stories. One story was about a man who saved lives if you went to church and followed his rules. He even had a Santa Claus-like daddy doling out forgiveness to the good boys and girls.

Now to most people, this was just another drunken yarn, but there happened to be in the pub that night another man named Patrick (it was Ireland, after all) who was sober as a doornail, newly jobless and just ready to believe some blarney like that.

It was this Patrick who traveled throughout Ireland retelling that story and inadvertently converting people to Christianity. He might even be the mug with the somber beard, for all I know.

What happened to my Patrick, you ask? Well, I’d like to say that he soared to new heights of popularity and success with his band, but really, like many a good Irishman, he succumbed to the drink. He died on March 17. His band mates saluted him in a musical parade before replacing him with a slightly better-looking singer named Bono.