The Idiot's Guide to Social Media

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

My kids have been asking me to write about social media for a while now. Actually, they don’t even ask; they just text me reminders in between Facebook dates and Tweet-a-thons. I may not be the most tech-savvy guy, but I’ve managed to navigate my way through this Internet jungle. And I have faith that you can, too. 

So this article targets those parents who need to get a social network clue in order to communicate with their kids. If any tweens, teens and twenty-somethings don’t know what I’m talking about, please crawl back under your rock. Now.

The Social Network

Here are the basics:

Facebook

If you want an award-winning, cinematic version of the story behind the first social media application, watch “The Social Network.” In the meantime, here’s my shortened version: Facebook is a site where you can tell the world everything about yourself, post 451 photos of vacation sunsets and comment on your friends’ random activities. Best of all with today’s cell phones, you can update your status from anywhere:

Bob: My third trip to the bathroom this morning – damn you, Dunkin Donuts!
You:  

another amazing vacation sunset!

Just like high school, the more friends you have on Facebook, the more popular you are. Unlike high school, you can wear just about anything (or nothing at all) while chatting with those friends, and you have more time to think up clever comebacks.

Facebook has even made it acceptable for married folks to look up old lovers and “friend” them in way that never quite worked with Classmates. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

Facebook’s “wall” features the latest posts from your friends. Please note that it will typically be dominated by the most annoying ones. Like those who take 451 photos of sunsets.

On the bright side, Facebook is the perfect pastime for getting through the workday. Matter of fact, I can’t recall what I used to do with the 3+ hours I now use to scroll through my Facebook page conversing with my coworkers. 

Twitter

This social media website is all about cute bluebirds and celebrity stalking. It provides news and real-time information for people with short attention spans. No Chatty Cathys allowed in this forum! Twitter is only for those who can succinctly tell the world how much they hate their relationship or exactly what they’d like to do to their boss in 140 characters or less. Also, you must not be averse to frequently peppering your words with symbols like this: @#*#! It looks like swearing, but it’s actually smart social marketing that sometimes requires a translation dictionary for interpreting others’ comments.

#followfriday

Instead of Friends, you have Followers (emphasizes that stalking image). And on Fridays, everyone plays a game called “#followfriday” in which the most popular Tweeters decide who gets to join their clique and, afterwards, everyone goes out for a beer.

The celebrity stalking part comes in because you can actually follow famous people and, apparently, some of them tweet back. Not the really famous ones though. They have people who do it for them.

Here are some funny (actual) tweets. You should not tweet yourself unless you can match this standard.

• “To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree.’” – almightygod
• “My parents didn’t retweet me enough” – LarryBlanken
• “My mechanic just told me that I could pick my car up at 5 p.m. and that they ‘might be having a few beers there after work.’ OMG is this a date?!” - KatyDidSays

Read more funny tweets.

Pinterest

What is Pinterest? A photo gallery of images. An online scrapbook. A collection of To-Do and To-Have lists. And it’s the fastest rising social media app, second only to Facebook in user engagement. My wife loves it. She has created collages or “pinboards” for her favorite recipes, books she’s read, places she wants to travel and, her latest, “Things my husband does to annoy me.” Hehe. Guess I’m getting an online reputation. I’ll tweet about it later.

In my day, getting “pinned” meant nervously trying to cop a feel without poking a girl with your fraternity pin. Nowadays it means posting an image from any random website onto your “board” so that others will like it, repin it or comment on its stunning composition and lack of ubiquitous sunsets.

Samples of a few cool pinboards:

Awkward Family Photos 

Best Whiskey Board 

Fun with Animals

Digg

This is a social news website where users vote on whether stories suck or are worth sharing. Why can’t we do that with CNN?

Foursquare

This app has something to do with checking in at restaurants and other public places. I have yet to determine if reservations are required.