History of the Super Bowl: An Interview with Al Dante

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Editor

This Sunday at 1:00 p.m. I’m settling myself on the couch for about 10 hours straight. With a cooler of drinks, 20 bags of chips and the Pizza Hut number programmed into my phone, I’ll be ready for Super Bowl XLVI (that’s 46 for all you Roman numeral-challenged folk). My wife is under strict orders not to bother me during this time. As a sports writer, I am working, after all. (Can you say “dream job?”)

As long as I’ve been doing this, I found someone with a more impressive record – Mr. Al Dante. Al is 57 and he has been to every Super Bowl since the first one in 1967. Here is my interview with him.

GM: Hello, Al.
Al: Hello, Grunty. Is that your real name?
GM: I’ll ask the questions here, Al. Why don’t you tell us about that first Super Bowl?
Al: Well, let’s see… that was January 15, 1967 -- I was 12 years old. We were living in California back then so my dad took me to L.A. for the game: Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs. Packers killed the Chiefs, 35-10, and I was hooked. We went to the 2nd Super Bowl the following year where the Packers won again. I ended up with a boy crush on Bart Starr after that. Put posters of him all over my room.

GM: TMI, Al. TMI… And so you found a way to attend the Super Bowl every year?
Al: Yep. In my early 20s I saved every penny for Bowl tickets. I sold my baseball card collection; I sold my brother’s baseball card collection. During college, I lived on bread and water to save money on food. Those were the Steel Curtain years when Pittsburgh ruled the game.
GM: Any favorite memories from then?
Al: I’ll never forget that amazing catch by Lynn Swann in Super Bowl X. A 64-yard touchdown pass in the final minutes. Terry Bradshaw was knocked out cold. Did you know that Swann himself had been recovering from a concussion and was a doubtful starter? Then he played his best game and got MVP.
GM: Yes, I’m pretty sure I knew that, Al.
Al: Those are the moments I love, Grunty!
GM: Do you go alone to the games or with friends?
Al: It changes every year. Through most of the 70s and 80s, I went with a friend or my brother. Then in 1987, I surprised my wife by taking her to the Super Bowl for our honeymoon. She surprised me by divorcing me shortly after.
GM: Shocker, Al.
Al: Learned my lesson there. I made sure my second wife was a football fan. It was even her idea to name our kids Elway and Montana.
GM: So, all those games… You must have some exciting moments to share.
Al: At Super Bowl XXIII, I got to meet that dog, Spuds MacKenzie, who did the Bud Light commercials. I had never met anyone famous before that – even had my picture taken with him! Spuds was very down-to-earth for a celebrity. He obviously didn’t let the fame go to his head.
GM: It’s a dog, Al. Actually, Spuds turned out to be a girl dog. Her real name was Honey Tree Evil Eye.
Al: Don’t crap on my memories, Grunty.
GM: Sorry…

Al: Now in 1995 [Super Bowl XXIX], I finally got on camera. Went shirtless and painted myself red and gold for the 49ers. Have to admit that I drank a bit too much that game. Camera got me doing some things I’m not proud of. One of my friends taped the game, and he taunts me with it to this day.
GM: Maybe you could share something with a little more class —
Al: One of the funniest moments was in 2004 (Super Bowl XXXVII) with the streaker. Never seen anything like it before – the streaker was on the field doing his little dance until he was just leveled by a Patriots linebacker. The police hogtied him and carried him away. My buddies and I laughed about that one for years.
GM: Making the Super Bowl a priority must wreak some havoc in your life. Do you have any regrets?
Al: Just one – that I wasn’t smart enough to patent an idea I had.
GM: Really? What idea was that?
Al: That whole “I’m going to Disney World” campaign with the winning quarterback. The NFL started it with Super Bowl XXI when Phil Simms won. But I had that idea back in 1984 after my first trip to Disney. I mentioned it to some friends of mine and then a few years later, there’s the commercial. The NFL stole my idea.
GM: O-kay…
Al: Still, I didn’t let it ruin my attendance streak. And I’m looking forward to this week’s Super Bowl – my forty-sixth! My daughter Montana is coming to the game with me – can’t tell you how proud I am of that girl. She plays wide receiver on a women’s community football team.
GM: Wonderful. Who are you rooting for this year?
Al: Well, probably the Giants – I feel sorry for that Manning kid -- but my real focus will be figuring out a way to meet Madonna. I hope I don’t have to resort to streaking —
GM: Well, that’s all the time we have today, Al. Thanks so much for joining us. Hope you and anyone reading this will enjoy Sunday’s game.

Test Stress: What's the Point?

by Mo Tickleson, LMAO Staff Writer

Right about the end of January is when students everywhere undergo test stress while studying for their midterm examinations. Exams come on the heels of a nice holiday break and right in the middle of football playoffs, too. This concerns me and motivated me to take a look at some of the ideas behind America’s fascination with tests.

One website came up with some very plausible reasons for testing:


• To see if kids are learning. Depending on how kids do on the test, the teacher will know if he can move forward or if he must review some material. It just isn’t fair for Sally to be able to determine the length of a hypotenuse. We must repeat it until Josh can do it too. And both students are sure to remember it ten years down the road when it becomes useful – um, exactly how? 

• To see how well school is teaching you. This is important. If we didn’t use tests to check up on that, kids might graduate thinking that Christopher Columbus was the heroic discoverer of America and friend to the Native Americans.
• To assign grades. Grades give students something to strive for. They are a way of weeding out the “learning disabled” students and making sure they maintain that label throughout their school years. Grades are also a great way to establish a pecking order. That is, A students typically gravitate toward one another as do B students and so on. This allows an A student to unmask a potential friend as a C student and then reject that person for fear of having his GPA brought down.
• To keep you motivated. I’ll admit I was one to strive for the A. It made me look good; it made my parents happy. It did not, however, improve my social standing, which is perhaps a bigger concern for most students. Perhaps we should consider some alternative motivations for learning.

Which would most motivate you to learn English grammar?
a-    The desire to ace the test.
b-    Knowing it could lead to my dream job as a famous writer.
c-    Knowing the smart hottie in class would ask me out if I could conjugate a verb.
d-    Ain’t nothing better than me getting paid.

There are always those kids to whom everything comes easily. They always know the answer when called on. They ace a test without even studying. These kids are rarely well liked. But for the rest of us, tests can cause a lot of unpleasant sensations, including:

• Nervousness or anxiety
• Nausea, indigestion or diarrhea
• Racing heartbeat or trouble breathing
• Sweaty hands
• Butterflies in stomach

Interestingly, these same symptoms can be experienced from riding a rollercoaster. Which option do you prefer? Again I say, “Testing: what’s the point?”

Now, in the spirit of this article, here is a brief test. Please keep your eyes on your own paper, and use a No. 2 pencil only.

1. In 1905 French psychologist, Alfred Binet, invented the first IQ test to identify slow learners. What does IQ stand for?
   a.    Intelligence Questionable
   b.    Intelligence Quotient
   c.    Ignorance Quotient
   d.    I Quit

   
2. Which of the following is not a good test-taking tip?
   a.    Studying ahead of time.
   b.    Getting enough sleep the night before.
   c.    Reading the test through first.
   d.    Shouting “oh wow!” randomly during the test to startle the smart kids thus causing the scoring bell curve to even out.
   
3. According to PBS Frontline, in 1995-96 the average student spent 11 hours studying for the SAT. Assuming that A equals the length of the test and B equals the number of students across the country studying for it, how many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   
4. In 1926 the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), invented by psychology professor Carl C. Brigham, was administered to high school students for the first time. Here is an actual sample question from that first test:
   

   Each group contains six words. Three of these are related to each other in some definite way. Indicate which three are thus MOST CLOSELY RELATED by inserting the numbers of these words in the spaces at the right.
   
   Example:  bean / carrot / potato / beet / lettuce / cabbage   2, 3 & 4 

   a. Cuba / Asia / Alaska / Africa / Russia / Australia
   b. gas / baby / burp / soda / belch / rude

5. True or False? The earliest record of standardized testing comes from China, where hopefuls for government jobs had to take exams testing their knowledge of Confucian philosophy and poetry.
   
6. Extra credit: The above facts seem to show that psychologists are interested in making kids feel dumb. Explain.


Answers:
1.    b
2.    d
3.    Huh?
4.    A. Asia, Africa, Australia / b. gas, burp, belch
5.    True
6.    This comment is completely out of line.

Bibliography  (We include these links to show that parts of our articles are actually true.)
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/sats/test/facts.html
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/school/teststress/article4.html
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/sats/where/1901.html
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1947019,00.html
http://www.understandingprejudice.org/nativeiq/columbus.htm