The Health Corner with Dr. Bill Loney: FUN WITH PHOBIAS

Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in primitive cultures all over the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years. In this column, he focuses on common questions received about phobias.

Dr. Bill Loney,

My wife has social phobia. I am embarrassed to explain this to others when we can’t attend a party or have to suddenly leave the supermarket. Am I alone in this? Are there other such weirdos out there?

Thanks,

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

More weird phobias

You and your wife are not alone! About 15 million Americans suffer from some form of social phobia from public speaking to eating in front of others to anxiety when walking on a crowded street. There’s nothing weird about it. You want weird? Check out these phobias:

• Cacophobia – Fear of ugliness. This is especially rampant in Hollywood and college sororities.
• Epistemophobia – Fear of knowledge. Could explain the high rate of stupid people in America.
• Vestiophobia – Fear of clothing. This phobia particularly affects saggy, European middle-aged men.
• Nephophobia - Fear of clouds. Frankly, I can’t believe that enough people suffer from this that they had to create a name for it. If you’re really bored, view this mini documentary of a man with nephophobia.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

I am deathly scared of spiders. Can you tell me what creatures inspire the most fright?

Signed,

Arachnophobic

Dear Arachnophobic,

The top fright-inspiring creatures (in no particular order) are: spiders, snakes, dogs, rats and Gonzo.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Do famous people ever get scared?

Joe Normal

Dear Joe,

Certainly they do. And because they are in the spotlight, celebrity fears are often magnified. George Washington, for instance, had taphephobia or the fear of being buried alive. He even specified that his body be left alone for several days after his death in case he wasn’t quite dead.

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia (fear of everything) including heights, bright colors, animals, award ceremonies, elevators and peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Alfred Hitchcock had an intense fear of eggs (ovophobia). Oprah Winfrey fears gum chewing, and even banned it from her television studio.

One of the strangest phobias might be Billy Bob Thornton’s fear of antique furniture (anything made before the 1950s). You won’t catch him filming a period piece.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Is it crazy that I fear going to doctors more than death?

Signed,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You are simply human. On most lists of People’s Top Fears, death usually ranks about 5^th or sometimes not at all. 

What beats out death? Fear of:

Roy Sullivan hit by lightning 7 times

• Public speaking
• Flying
• Heights
• Darkness
• Thunder and lightning
• Failure
• Dentists
• Commitment 

Yet, these things do not really address the core fear. What are people actually afraid of in each category?

• Making an ass out of themselves
• Crashing (hence, death, or severe mangling)
• Falling (again, death, or severe mangling)
• Being attacked by monsters
• Being struck by lightning (death, or severe frying)
• Making an ass out of themselves
• Pain
• Being trapped and suffocated (again, death)

Bastille Day: A Celebration of French Independence and a Song by Rush

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

While we normally run a 4^th of July-themed article, this year we want to prove that we’re a forward-thinking, globally-aware newspaper. So we’re turning the spotlight on July 14, Bastille Day. Formally known across the pond as La Fête Nationale, it earned status as a French national holiday in 1790 or 1880, depending on which website you come across.  

Here’s a run-down on the events leading up to Bastille Day.

King Louis XVI

THE SETTING: France in the 1780s. 

THE CHARACTERS: (1) King Louis XVI, a shy, indecisive and irresponsible man more interested in hunting than ruling a country; (2) His wife, Marie Antoinette, who Louis married before either one was old enough to drive. Their marriage was a strategic alliance of families (his dealt in Bourbon, hers in Coke). Louis’ shyness and his fear of the manipulative Marie was so great that it took seven years before they could consummate their marriage.

THE SCENE: It was a time of great political and financial crisis. The poor were hungry, the businessmen felt unheard and the commoners were growing disgruntled with Louis and Marie who ran a corrupt system that favored an absolute monarchy. 

The French economic crisis caused the price of flour to grow astronomically, and this lead to rioting in the streets, for who were the French without baguettes and croissants? (It should be noted that Marie Antoinette never actually uttered the words: “Let them eat cake” when confronted with the bread shortage of the peasants. What she actually said was: “Don’t let them eat my cake.” Such was the French upper-class state of mind, probably a major contributing factor to Marie’s eventual beheading.)

THE PLOT THICKENS: As King, Louis did a good job of getting France deep into debt and repelling any original supporters by taxing them. His tax reform charged everyone except the Nobility, the Clergy and the Donald. The Third Estate (a.k.a. the commoners or 98% of France) finally revolted. Under the Tennis Court Oath of 1789, the Third Estate created a new National Assembly. They also voted to begin wearing only white on the courts. Louis did not approve and misplaced his anger by firing his popular Finance Minister, Jacques Necker.

The storming of the Bastille - Paris, July 14, 1789

THE BEGINNING OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION: The rise of the Third Estate incited fear and anxiety in the capital. Parisians panicked as general violence and rumors about a military coup began to spread.

On July 14, 1789, a group of commoners (mostly salesman, craftsman and unemployed drunkards) stole 28,000 military rifles. They then discovered the rifles had no gun powder. So off they went to the Bastille – the well-stocked royal prison where Louis and Marie locked up anyone who disagreed with them. 

The rioters arrived at a time when very few guards were on duty (most had fled to the Riviera for summer holiday). The guard in charge, the Marquis de Launay, called for backup. Unfortunately for him, when backup arrived, they joined forces with the mob and—in Jerry Bruckheimer-like fashion—easily stormed the Bastille, freed the prisoners and started a Revolution. 

Today the French celebrate Bastille Day much like Americans —with fireworks (this year set to a disco soundtrack!) parades and festive dances. Here in the USA, you can celebrate by singing along to the 1976 song “Bastille Day” by the band Rush.

This Month's Horoscope: GEMINI

by Palacia, Astrologer to the Stars and Beyond!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Nobody has bigger problems than you this month, Gemini. The stars foresee lawsuits in your future, particularly those concerning the misappropriation of PTA funds. With Uranus in retrograde motion, it is not a good time to begin dieting. However, it is a fine time to start drinking. Effervescent prosecco is a good choice for Geminis.

Although Mars is rising in Neptune this month, do not be alarmed. No planets were actually harmed.

A lunar eclipse on June 4 gives you the chance to confront some longtime childhood fears that are, honestly, quite ridiculous. It won’t make you feel any better, but it gives you something to do while your partner is cheating on you. On a brighter note, a tragic hunting accident will claim the life of your employer. How you handle this will determine the next five years of your life. No pressure, though.

Not a Gemini? Good for you. Check the daily horoscope for all other signs here.

Famous Geminis: Johnny Depp, Joan Collins, Queen Victoria, Salman Rushdie, Nicole Kidman, Dean Martin, Boy George, Joe Montana, Alanis Morissette, Maurice Sendak, Marilyn Monroe, Palacia

THE HEALTH CORNER with Dr. Bill Loney

Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in various cultures around the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years.

Dr. Bill Loney,

I’ve had freckles since I was a kid and I’m sick of them. I’ve tried all sorts of fancy creams and lotions claiming to remove spots, but nothing works. Is there any way to finally get rid of my facial freckles?

Thanks,
Spotty

Dear Spotty,

Absolutely! And it doesn’t cost a dime. While the Irish prefer to anoint a freckled face with the blood of a bull, I like the old Victorian remedy.


To get rid of freckles, get up at five-thirty on Sunday morning and go outside. (May is the preferable month so wait until then if you want to be sure this works.) If there is a lot of dew, get your hands real wet in the grass. Rub the dew on your face and turn around nine times, saying, "Dew, dew, do, do, take my freckles; wear ‘em on you; dew, dew, thank you.” You must say this nine times while turning around. Do not wash the dew off, and do not wash your face until the next day.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

My mother’s arthritis is pretty bad and she doesn’t like to take medications. Any other ideas?

Gratefully yours,
Tired of Momma’s Achy Bones


Dear Achy Bones,

Does she mind grape juice? My Amish ancestors swear by this remedy: Dissolve 3/4 teaspoon powder pectin (or 1-tablespoon liquid pectin) in a glass of purple grape juice. Drink once a day.

Alternatively, you can take a dead cat into the woods to a hollow stump that has spunk in it. Twirl the cat overhead and then toss the cat to the south. Walk away north, but do not look back!

If you need a dead cat, call my office and my secretary will FedEx you one.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

I’m a good-looking, fifty-something male having some issues down below. What Viagra-like natural remedies do you suggest for impotence?

Signed, 

Feeling Deflated

A frog juice vendor in Lima, Peru. Photo: Martin Mejia/AP

Dear Deflated,

I would suggest the Peruvian Viagra, also known as frog juice. This natural aphrodisiac is in very high demand in the markets of Lima right now. Here’s how it works: You go to the market stall and pick your frogs from a tank. The vendor takes them out and bangs them against the table to kill them. Then she blends them with hot white bean broth, some honey, raw aloe vera and a generous portion of maca (an Andean root — the essential ingredient).

You get a glass of delicious warm frog juice, and your partner gets a piping hot morning glory, if you know what I mean.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

My friend stutters. I don’t want to offend her, but I find it really frustrating to hold a conversation. Can you offer any advice?

Thank you,
J.


Dear J.

This ancient method may seem a bit harsh, but it does the trick. The next time she stutters, hit your friend in the mouth with a chicken gizzard.

---

So You Think You Want to Get Married...

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Spring is in the air, and with it comes love and … wedding fever. In the United States, 2.3 million couples marry every year — that’s nearly 6,200 weddings every day in this multi-billion dollar industry! And nearly one-third of those have been married before.

If you’re like me, you get so caught up in planning the wedding day, you don’t think much about what comes after: the unexplained late nights, the toenail clippings in the sink, the endless nagging about sticking to a budget. Hopefully, you’re not like me—but I know many of you are.

We grow up playacting our wedding day with Barbie and Ken. By the time we actually get engaged, we are well versed in everything wedding, from decorating ideas to bridal bargains to proper etiquette on criticizing your mother-in-law. But what do we actually know about marriage?

The dictionary defines marriage as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, bribery or desperation, solidified by a prenuptial agreement (or something similar involving partners of the same gender).”

"Adam and Eve" painting
by Lucas Cranach the Elder

Marriage actually has a long and complex history dating back to when Adam married Eve in a simple garden ceremony. The bride wore a strapless fig leaf gown by Versace and the couple selected a lovely apple china pattern — which was quickly smashed by Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Their union begat Cain and Abel and a long line of incestuous relationships until Ancient Hebrews decreed a law forbidding marriages of “any one near of kin.” Catholics and Protestants quickly latched onto this concept, each creating specific lists of who might be regarded as kin. For example, if you married and divorced one of the Baldwin brothers, you could not then marry any of the other Baldwins.

In Ancient Greece, where Pandora and Zorba are recognized as the first bride and groom, a man could marry a girl by winning her in a competition or stealing her away from her rightful owner. (Now this has “reality show” written all over it!) Arranged marriages are more of an Eastern concept. Known as omiai in Japan, suitable couples are matched by a go-between, or nakodo, who may also act as the marriage counselor once the husband realizes he has married a woman who cannot make good sushi.

Image from Baloo's Cartoon Blog

Most ancient societies married for economic reasons or to increase social status. But even then, they maintained modern symbols of marriage. The engagement ring, for instance, dates back to the caveman. The first engagement ring was a woven cord of grasses, which the man used to tie the hands and feet of his mate so that she could not run away. Another cord was placed over her mouth during football season. Once he began to trust that she would not leave him, he removed the cord from her feet and, finally, her hands until just a symbolic cord remained wrapped around her finger. Psychologists note that this use of bondage may be the cause for centuries of women equating sex with love. At the very least, it emerged as a popular market for the porn industry.

Mail order brides are another way to go. It is still a booming business in areas like Russia and southeast Asia, and remains a viable option for those singletons who strike out in more traditional dating venues. Just go to Loveme.com (who boasts 53 engagements this year!) to sign up for a Romance Tour where you may find your potential bride who, I am certain, does not resemble any of the half-naked models on their website.

If you’ve done your research and you still want to get married, then you probably haven’t been very thorough. Or else you’re engaged to Prince Harry. But then who am I to give advice? I sit here typing, my skin chafing from the woven grass ring around my finger.
  

Another Baseball Season Begins (Plus a Few Words With a Rookie)

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Writer

“In the beginning, there was no baseball. But ever since, there have been few beginnings as good as the start of a new baseball season. It is the most splendid time in sport.” — B.J. Phillips

There’s a lot to be said about a new baseball season, and this quote brings several things to mind, not the least of which is who on earth is B.J. Phillips?

However, the man does make a good point, namely that there is nothing finer than watching a sport where you can conceivably accomplish several household tasks at the same time and not miss a damn thing. A sport where one doesn’t have to be young or thin or of African descent to play well; he only has to be learned in the art of spitting and not averse to grabbing his crotch on national television.

We have such a player with us today, Jorge Mojoriverez, who is starting his first season with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

GRUNTY: Jorge, I have to admit I didn’t even realize Pittsburgh still had a baseball team.

JORGE: I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Really? Because my notes tell me the Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons – the longest in North American sports history.

JORGE: I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Well, I admire your obliviousness. Now tell me, how far can you spit?

JORGE: Almost three feet. I’m just happy to be here—hope I can help the ball club.

GRUNTY: Impressive. Tell me, Jorge, do they feed you well at the ballpark?

JORGE: Good food, yes. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Because I have a gripe about ballpark food. The prices keep getting higher and the beers keep getting lighter. At my last game, the nachos were shaped like Derek Jeter’s head but they tasted like crap. Seems like fancy schmancy marketing ploys are replacing quality food. Can you talk to someone about that for me?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Excellent. Now I must admit I’m unsure what players are on the Pirates roster this year – or the last decade, for that matter. Is it safe to say they’ve got one really decent pitcher, a few power hitters and five guys from Venezuela?

JORGE: Venezuela! My country. I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Listen, Jorge, I think we’re getting off track here. When a new baseball season starts, I like to watch all the classic baseball movies: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Major League… It’s kind of a ritual for me. Do you have any early season rituals?

Click here for video of HSM2: "I Don't Dance"

JORGE: In Venezuela, we have the Dancing Devils ritual. In America, we dance during practice. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Can you show us some moves?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Oh, nevermind. Just, play ball.

Trending Now: Celebrities Running for Office

by Mo Tickleson, Features

Roseanne Barr, 2012 Green Party Candidate

Who knew in February, when TV’s Roseanne announced her candidacy for the Presidential race that it would spark a celebrity stampede for political office? While Roseanne Barr officially has her name on the Green Party ballot for June, a few Hollywood hopefuls have just recently tossed their hats into the ring.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be seeking loopholes for a way to run for President even though he was not born in the United States.

Friends of the Terminator remain optimistic. “After all,” said one. “Arnold did hold Republican support as California governor for 8 years even though he’s pro-choice, pro-gay rights and pro-gun control. So, really, anything’s possible.”

Former NFL player and coach, Mike Ditka

Former NFL player, coach and ultra-conservative Mike Ditka—who almost ran against Obama in 2004 for an open seat in the U.S. Senate for Illinois—announced his plan to oppose frontrunner, Mitt Romney, in the Republican nomination.

Ditka punched his fist into the air and said, “Someone has to wipe that smirk off Romney’s face. Might as well be someone with THREE Super Bowl rings.” According to Ditka’s press secretary, fellow Republican Meatloaf has already been slated to sing at the presidential inauguration.

Actor and political activist Charlton Heston sent a message from the otherworld (through Shirley MacLaine) that he’s tempted to come back to join the 2012 race.

Shirley said Heston posed these questions: “Is it possible, like the Oscars, to be nominated for U.S. President posthumously?” “What kind of name is Mitt?” and “Who in their right mind wouldn’t vote for Moses?”

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari of "Bosom Buddies"

On the Democratic side, fan favorite Tom Hanks announced his bid for the party’s nomination.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Obama, but I want to be sure a Democrat stays in the White House,” said Hanks. “And I believe the current political climate is calling for a Bosom Buddy.”

Hanks said he already has plans to appoint Steven Spielberg as Cabinet Director. The actor’s potential vice presidential running mates are Steven King, Larry David and Oprah.

Peter Scolari declined to comment.

Political analyst Thomas Q. Walsh had this to say: “Being famous does not guarantee political victory.” [examples: John Glenn, Oliver North and Bill Bradley] “A celebrity needs three things for a chance of winning: excellent communication skills, political shrewdness and the ability to stay out of the tabloids.” Thankfully, this rules out the Kardashians.

Walsh added, “The best celebrity candidates are those who can relate to the average American.”

When pressed for an opinion on the current crop of Hollywood candidates, Walsh said, “Sports are huge in middle America. So is pent-up rage. I think Ditka has the best shot.”

See ya, Obama. Make way for Da Prez.

CELEBRITIES CELEBRATE EASTER! by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Are You Ready for April Fool's?

Are you ready for April Fools?
by Grunty McBunty, Sports

I’m not. My buddies and my kids always try to pull one over on me. And they usually succeed. (My wife once convinced me that I’d signed a prenup giving her 80% of my assets.) I’m not the brightest bulb in the box.

However, I’m always looking for good ideas. If you’ve got a good hoax planned, let me know about it (after the fact, of course). Leave your comment below.

Otherwise, here’s a sprinkling of some of the best April Fool’s Day pranks in history: 


1.  The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest of 1957. A British news show broadcast a story about a bumper crop of spaghetti in Switzerland. Their phony video footage of people pulling pasta off tree branches had hordes of callers inquiring about how to grow a spaghetti tree.
2. The Taco Liberty Bell of 1996. A full-page ad appearing in six major U.S. newspapers announced that Taco Bell had purchased the historic Liberty Bell, renaming it as “Taco Liberty Bell.” Thousands of irate citizens hounded Philadelphia’s National Park Service until Taco Bell fessed up to the hoax.
3. The Left-Handed Whopper of 1998. Not to be outdone by Taco Bell, Burger King introduced the “left-handed Whopper” to their menu. Ads claimed the new Whopper included all the original ingredients but rotated the condiments 180 degrees to benefit America’s left-handed citizens. Burger Kings everywhere were inundated with requests for the special burger as well as demands for a right-handed burger.
4. The Loch Ness Monster Corpse of 1972. A British zoo employee played a prank by tossing a dead 15-foot-long bull elephant seal into Loch Ness where it was discovered by his colleagues and made national headlines within hours.
5. The Eruption of Mt. Edgecombe, 1974. Terrified Alaskan residents woke up to black smoke spewing from Mt. Edgecombe, a long-dormant volcano. The Coast Guard pilot sent to investigate the matter found an enormous pile of tires burning inside the crater with the words “April Fool” painted nearby.
6. Drunk Driving on the Internet, 1994. An article described Congressional bill SB 040194 that would make it illegal to drink alcohol or discuss sexual matters on the “Information Highway.” Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "What politician wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?"
7. The Predictions of Jonathan Swift, 1708. Masquerading as an astrologer, Jonathan Swift predicted the death of a famous rival astrologer, John Partridge. Swift released a pamphlet confirming Partridge’s death the following day. People who saw Partridge that day thought they were seeing a ghost or a doppelganger. Partridge could not convince anyone he was actually alive.
8. The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie of 1997. Fans of the funnies found their favorite comics in all the wrong places when 46 artists conspired to take over each other’s strips for the day. Garfield’s artist took over Blondie, Dilbert entered into Family Circus and everyone got confused.
9. Smellovision of 1965. A BBC interview with a London professor introduced “smellovision” -– technology that allowed viewers to experience the odors on their TV screen. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they could indeed smell the onions and coffee in the BBC’s demonstration.
10. Nixon for President, 1992. NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” program broadcast Richard Nixon’s decision to run for president under the slogan: "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." NPR was flooded with outraged phone calls. The phony audio clips were delivered by impersonator Rich Little.

Read more from the museum of hoaxes.

Celebrating the VERNAL EQUINOX or Happy First Day of SPRING!

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Today is the first day of spring, also known as the Vernal Equinox. The sun crosses over the Earth’s equator, halving the day into equal parts light and dark. This astrological balance leads many to believe the equinox is a time when you can balance eggs or broomsticks on end. Does it work? Watch Phil the Bad Astronomer try egg balancing.

What’s the significance of this day? In Christianity, Easter always falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. Early Egyptians built the Great Sphinx so that it points directly toward the rising Sun on the day of the Vernal Equinox. On this day, pagans celebrate Eostre (or Ostara, the precursor to Christian Easter) as the beginning of spring.

Most importantly, it is a time of exuberance and fertility. Winter is over! Huzzah!

The equinox is an excellent time for ancient rituals rejoicing over the warming earth and sprouting new life. Spring rituals often involve flowers, greenery, eggs (symbol of fertility), candles and mud. According to MoonShine Mary, leader of a local pagan group, dance is one ritual that should not be overlooked.

“Dance as if you are a new shoot rising from the Earth! Wear green if possible, or better yet, dance naked,” suggests Mary. “Dance with your sisters under the rising sun, and call out chants to the Mother Goddess: ‘New light!’ ‘ Lady Earth lives!’ ‘ Sap rising!’ or whatever else comes to mind.”

As the original New Year (celebrated as Nowruz in several countries including Iran), the Vernal Equinox is also a great time for making vows. Here are some examples:

• “I will make peace with my mother-in-law.”
• “I will clean out the attic before summer.” 
• “I will read more than just the comics section of the newspaper.” 
• “I will never devour an entire cheesecake in one sitting again…unless I’ve just spent an entire week with my mother-in-law.”

Speaking of cheesecake, no equinox celebration is complete with a feast. Choose foods that celebrate spring such as eggs, spring greens, asparagus and lamb. Or, if you feel daring, try Patti Wigington’s recipe for Ostara Peep Ambrosia.

Let us end with a few inspired words from MoonShine Mary: “Virgin Spring, we greet you! Warm our earth, our seedlings, our souls! Behold the darkness and light as equals! Who is our Goddess? She bursts forth from within us!”

Huzzah!

The Truth About St. Patrick

by Darby the Leprechaun (as told to Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer)

Hallo there, kiddies! Me name’s Darby, and I’m here to tell you about that man you know as “Saint” Patrick. He’s not quite the serious fellow folks make him out to be in these pictures. Look at that frowny mug. Why if that’s the real Patrick, then call me a fairy!

Me boy Patrick was a spritely child, full of life and mischief. The son of wealthy parents. And not at all religious. Why I knew them meself – his father worked as a Christian deacon just for the tax benefits and the free wine!

History tells you that Patrick was kidnapped at the age of 16 by Irish pirates and sold into slavery where he turned to religion for comfort. That’s a bunch of crap! (Oops, sorry kids.)

Indeed Paddy was captured by a group of Druids (Celtic term for nature-lovin’ magical priests) who made their living selling cabbages door to door. Patrick suggested adding a side of corned beef, and the traditional Irish meal was born.

His new friends taught Patrick the fine skills of storytelling, sheep farming and Irish music. Oh, he loved the music did he! He learnt to play the fiddle, the bodhran and the uilleann pipes, eventually leaving County Mayo with his newly formed a band, Paddy and the Druids.

Again, history would have you believe that Patrick escaped from those nasty Druids, receiving divine messages about a mission to convert the Irish to Christianity.

Here’s what really happened:

Paddy and the Druids walked into a pub. After playing some snappy tunes for the patrons, Patrick got so drunk that he started spinning stories. One story was about a man who saved lives if you went to church and followed his rules. He even had a Santa Claus-like daddy doling out forgiveness to the good boys and girls.

Now to most people, this was just another drunken yarn, but there happened to be in the pub that night another man named Patrick (it was Ireland, after all) who was sober as a doornail, newly jobless and just ready to believe some blarney like that.

It was this Patrick who traveled throughout Ireland retelling that story and inadvertently converting people to Christianity. He might even be the mug with the somber beard, for all I know.

What happened to my Patrick, you ask? Well, I’d like to say that he soared to new heights of popularity and success with his band, but really, like many a good Irishman, he succumbed to the drink. He died on March 17. His band mates saluted him in a musical parade before replacing him with a slightly better-looking singer named Bono.

Happy Procrastination Week!

NOTE: Because our staff writers put off their assignments to the last minute, we have no new articles this week. We apologize for any inconvenience or lasting depression this may cause.

In the meantime, click here for a quiz to find out what type of procrastinator you are.

The Non-Catholic's Guide to Lent

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

What is Lent? In the Roman Catholic Church, Lent is a gloomy, 40-day season of fasting and self-flagellation that begins with good intentions on Ash Wednesday and ends with gluttony on Easter Sunday. You may have Catholic friends who talk about giving up candy or soda or cigarettes during Lent. This is symbolic of giving up your sinful ways. Ideally, Catholics would make such sacrifice and be reborn at Easter. In reality, Easter means scarfing down loads of whatever vice you gave up and thanking God you made it through those six weeks of hell.

Primarily, Lent is the season for celebrating penance (an oxymoron if there ever was one). It is rather like an extended version of the sacrament of Reconciliation (a.k.a. confession) where you pretend you’re sorry for a bunch of things and trust that reciting a few prayers will get you into heaven.

Who makes all these rules? While the rules of Lent are set forth in the Code of Canon Law (for the Roman Catholic Church), they can be modified by the bishops of a particular country. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops tends to be pretty mercurial in their interpretation of the law. For example, they revised the definition of fasting to mean eating one full meal and two partial meals with protein shakes allowed in between.

What’s the deal with the ashes? Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, which according to americancatholic.org is one of the most attended liturgies of the year. Apparently, people come for the free dirt. The purpose behind being smudged on the forehead is to remind us of our mortality (“remember that you are dust”) and to mark you as a Catholic so that coworkers can call you out for eating an Italian sub in the lunchroom.

What should I do if I see someone with ashes on their forehead? As a lapsed Catholic, I often forget what time of year it is until I see that telltale black smudge on various foreheads. Still, my first instinct is to tell them they’ve got something on their face. That’s a true sign of how far lapsed I am. Really, you should nod and smile and tactfully wait until they are out of earshot before exploding with laughter.

 Why can’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? In the 12th century, the Church required members to abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and all Fridays throughout the year, mostly to remind everyone that Jesus died on a Friday. And that he didn’t like meat.

During a fit of leniency in 1966, the U.S. Bishops reduced this restriction to only Lenten Fridays. Why meat? Because people like it and notice its absence. Meat is also a primary source of rank flatulence, and, back then—between the lack of sewage systems and the piles of horse crap filling the roads—there was already an overabundance of foul odors.

What is the purpose of fasting? Aside from its sacrificial joys, fasting before Easter is supposed to cleanse you so that you can celebrate the ecstasy of Christ’s resurrection with an “uplifted and clear mind.” Fasting is also an aid to prayer, as the pangs of hunger remind us of our hunger for God. Or our hunger for a juicy burger. Whichever one is stronger.

Does the Church have specific laws about fasting? Is the Pope Catholic? Here are the rules: Catholics between 18 and 59 are obliged to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Catholics age 14 and older must abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Lenten Fridays. However, a good Catholic will know the loopholes. For example, even though solid meat is forbidden, it is permissible to eat chicken broth or to pour bacon drippings down your throat.

Additionally, the Church dispenses (pardons) airport workers and those traveling aboard ships or planes from the laws of fasting. However, they must perform other pious acts instead. This gives new meaning to the mile-high club.

What is Holy Week? It is the home stretch of Lent and includes themed days such as Palm Sunday, Tiresome Tuesday, Wicked Wednesday, Maundy Thursday (the Last Supper), Good Friday (the Crucifixion), Holy Saturday and Super Bowl Sunday (the Hail Mary).

Holy Week is a time to commemorate and re-enact the suffering and death of Jesus, which is why Catholic schoolchildren often put on crucifixion plays. (In the Philippines, one lucky person actually gets nailed to a cross). The Stations of the Cross is another popular and violent aspect of Holy Week where Catholics indulge in scenes of Jesus’ betrayal, arrest, trial and death. It is rather like an episode of Law and Order.

I’m a non-Catholic planning on marrying a Catholic. Are there other rules about Lent that I should know? Weddings cannot take place during Holy Week or Lenten Sundays. And any wedding held during Lent cannot be lavish or elaborate unless you are a celebrity or marry aboard an airplane (see above).

During Lent, faithful Catholics are urged to attend Mass as often as possible. (It looks good on your resume at the pearly gates.) You should be prepared for this as Lent usually falls during March Madness, and you may find yourself being dragged to church instead of enjoying the basketball game.

One resourceful reverend created an online competition combining religion with sports. It is called Lent Madness, and you should check it out. Please note that this was developed by an Episcopalian reverend so the Catholic Church likely frowns upon it.

How to Host Your Own Oscar Party

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Themes are the key to any worthwhile party, and the Academy Awards makes that easy for you. Nominated movies dictate everything. So roll out the red carpet, and get ready for a fabulous evening!

Of course, you must dress up. Mimic the stars and don fancy gowns (the perfect opportunity to dust off those old bridesmaid dresses) or dress like a movie character: 1920s flapper, Hawaiian-shirted dad, Margaret Thatcher, overpaid ballplayer or even Walter the Muppet.

You Martha Stewart types can extend the movie theme to décor. Transform your living room into a romantic Parisian boulevard or a grungy basement office in the Oakland A’s Coliseum.  Make it a progressive party—host the awards portion at one house and the afterparty at another place, preferably Elton John’s.

Hire the neighborhood kids to take photos and video and to conduct red carpet interviews. One of them probably resembles Ryan Seacrest anyway. Your friends will ham it up for the paparazzi, and you’ll have something to blackmail them with later.

For the menu, you have loads of options. A few ideas: hotdogs and beer for Moneyball, pineapple and mango chunks for The Descendants, croissants and quiche for Midnight in Paris, chocolate pie for The Help. (If you’re a method actor, you might try bad Mexican as inspired by Bridesmaids.)

Helen Back asks: Are you an Oscar fan? What do you think will win Best Picture? Who are the sexiest nominated actor and actress? What are your Oscar party ideas? Please post your comments below.

Of course everyone really comes for the awards, so do not disappoint. You can hand out mini plastic Oscars or design your own unique statuette. And be clever. Anyone can win Best Dressed. Go for memorable categories such as Best Spanx, Underemployed Worker in a Supporting Role, Original Facelift or Most Likely to Sleep with Someone Else’s Husband.

Those neighborhood kids can earn their pay by keeping acceptance speeches brief. You’ll be amazed at how fifteen seconds in the spotlight—even if it’s a fake spotlight—can cause any Joe Schmo to babble endlessly. (Although I would advise against inviting Joe Schmo to your party. He has a history of streaking.)

Obviously you’ll include a game over who makes the most correct award predictions. Do consider an Oscar drinking game as well. Choose your Oscar drink and imbibe as follows: a sip for every “It’s an honor just to be nominated” uttered; a gulp for every joke made about last year’s hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco; a cocktail for every song-and-dance montage performed by Billy Crystal; a drink for every time the camera pans to George Clooney; two drinks for every liberal rant about politics; and an entire bottle of vodka if Woody Allen shows up.

Finally, you can surprise everyone by snagging a celebrity date. I hear Charlize Theron is available. 

A Few Brilliant Ideas on How to Improve the Oscars

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

The 84th Annual Academy Awards airs this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. on ABC. I’ve been an avid watcher for decades, however I’m always yawning by the time the meaty awards roll around.

Below, I’ve proposed some ideas on how to improve the Oscars. I’ll let you know when I hear back from the show’s producers.

• Have Glee’s Sue Sylvester host. She’s lean and mean with a side of snarky. Plus her ubiquitous tracksuit can help bring down the dress code standard. Award winner going too long on a speech? Sue gives them a slushie facial.
  
• Delete any award categories involving shorts or editing. Boooring.
• Wait until an actor dies to present him or her with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Then do it at their funeral.
• Fill the Kodak Theatre with seat warmers (homeless people will do) and have all the actual nominees tune in via oovoo. This provides a number of benefits: (1) producers can easily cut off any ramblers; (2) nominees don’t have to dress up; and (3) viewers get a delicious peek inside celebrity homes. The possibility of discovering that Meryl Streep is a slob or that George Clooney’s lawn is decorated with gnomes and pink flamingos will surely pique viewer interest.
• Have the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants really make an entrance. Like strutting out naked or leading a dog sled. Just don’t make them look like accountants, for God’s sake.
• Reduce the three-hour extravaganza to a five-minute YouTube video. You can squeeze lots of humor into five minutes, as evidenced by Kevin Kline and Mike Myers in this video on Oscar Etiquette.
• Don't show scenes from all the Best Picture nominees (nine this year). If I wanted to see film previews, I’d go to the movies. I’d rather spend my Oscar time counting Billy Crystal’s jokes or Angelina Jolie’s tattoos.
• Let the booze flow. Stop trying to present the Oscars as something much classier than the Golden Globes. It is still Hollywood. And watching Ricky Gervais slug beer while hosting the Globes is much more viewer-friendly than watching Oscar nominees perch rigidly in their seats. I don’t want to hear about the after-party drunkenness the next day; I want to see it live.
• Mandate Twitter-sized speeches for award winners. Only 140 characters allowed. 40 for you, Ashton Kutcher.

Countdown to Downton Abbey Season 2 Finale

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

It’s just 2 days, 11 hours and 5 minutes until the Downton Abbey Season 2 finale, and I am aflutter with excitement! Will Matthew and Mary finally get together? Will Bates go to jail for murder? What scathing remark will spew forth from the Dowager Countess next? And will someone please smack that vile Sir Richard?

While waiting, I took the “Which character are you?” quiz, which put me upstairs as Lady Mary Crawley. Rightly so. I couldn’t handle it downstairs with those hideous uniforms. Like Mary, I yearn for glamour and excitement! And exotic delicacies! Although I never would have slept with that Pamuk fellow.

Cast of Downton Abbey, PBS Masterpiece

In the finale, Christmas arrives at Downton Abbey. All those holiday puddings and parties will likely bring relief from an abundance of war and Spanish flu. It also means eight months will have passed between episodes. Lady Mary and Sir Richard were supposed to marry in July; I’m curious to see what (or who) threw a wrench into those plans. The same with Lady Sybil and Branson – will they have married off-screen and be banished to Ireland forever? I doubt it. Lord Grantham is a softie at heart. Too bad that sweet maid Jane has left. I’d have liked to see her knocking boots with her boss, perhaps in the library or Carson’s office. And what trouble will Thomas create next? Both he and O’Brien have been uncharacteristically agreeable lately. Surely that won’t last. It wouldn’t surprise me if O’Brien somehow had a hand in the death of Mrs. Bates.

Are you a fan? What do you think will happen in the finale? Who is the sexiest character? Please post your comments below.

Looking forward to Season 3, there will be plenty of historical backdrop for new plotlines. 1920s England comes with the breakdown of the aristocracy, the birth of the cocktail, unemployment, jazz music, relaxed fashion standards and women’s right to vote. Also, Shirely MacLaine joins the cast as Lady Grantham’s mother. She’s sure to match the Dowager Countess barb for pithy barb.

Watch a preview scene from the finale – no spoilers here!

What You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, that bane of dateless people everywhere. But did you know this fuzzy, romantic holiday has beginnings steeped in paganism and violence?

It all started with those hedonistic Romans. There they were minding their own business and celebrating the mid-February pagan fertility festival of Lupercalia. Sources vary on which god this ritual honored: Faunus, Romulus or Elvisus.

The goat skin slappers of Lupercalia

The festival—a young man’s rite of passage—consisted of male youths running through town slapping others with pieces of goat skin to rid them of bad luck and infertility. I kid you not. This general rowdiness was followed by a lottery in which all the town’s willing young women put their names into an urn. Each man selected a name and the respective woman became his pleasure companion for the upcoming year. An updated version of this can be studied today via television’s The Bachelor.

The Romans seemed quite happy and sexually satisfied with this process so, of course, the Catholic Church had to find a way to squelch it. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius (who was a bit of a Vegas man himself) outlawed the Lupercalia festival but retained the lottery aspect of the ritual. Only now instead of women’s names in the urn, there would be names of saints. Both men and women would draw a name and, for the next year, they would be expected to imitate the life of the selected saint.

Well ain’t that the Catholic Church for you — getting as far removed from an original meaning as possible. While many Romans followed this new law, most were unsatisfied and left to form a nudist colony in the French Riviera.

The Church chose St. Valentine to replace the pagan fertility god and represent the “romantic” aspect of the new ritual.

Now who was St. Valentine? Well, Val was a bishop who lived around the 3rd century A.D., right when the Emperor Claudius II (of the popular PBS series I, Claudius) issued an edict forbidding marriage because he believed married men made poor soldiers. Today we know that married men actually make poor housemaids.

Val, who had voted for the more liberal Nader, disagreed with the Emperor’s views, and he continued to perform marriages in secret. It wasn’t long before Claudius discovered this and threw him into prison. Apparently, this was before the vow of chastity was set in stone because Val fell in love with his jailer’s daughter and wrote her love letters, the final one signed “from your Valentine.” A sweet note of affection, yes, but probably not very consoling for her in dealing with Val’s subsequent beheading.

Despite such early beginnings, Valentine’s Day did not become widely celebrated until 17th century Great Britain. It was those reserved Brits who popularized the valentine greeting card as a safe way to express one’s true feelings.

Today, thankfully, one doesn’t have to be imprisoned in order to exchange meaningful valentines. One only has to head to the nearest mall to load up on some frivolous and totally irrelevant gifts. However, if one does forget about this special day, it could indeed result in a beheading.

Food for Thought:

1. True or False. Giving your loved one a Valentine gift from Frederick’s of Hollywood honors the essence of the pagan Lupercalia festival.
2. If you consistently received more than ten valentines each year in school, you were probably:
1. a good friend
2. very popular
3. the butt of a good joke
4. a slut
3. As demonstrated in this story, the Catholic Church has a long history of suppressing sexuality and personal freedom. However, Catholicism has continued to rank as one of the top three world religions. Explain.
4. In Christian custom, one usually has to be a martyr to be named a saint. Does sacrificing your own needs in order to cater to your partner’s count?
5. And, finally, do you think Pope Gelasius wore boxers or briefs?

Your Horoscope in 2012: AQUARIUS

by Palacia, Astrologer to the Stars and Beyond!

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):
Jupiter spends the first half of the year in your home and family sector, so this is the time to focus on mending family relationships and getting that strange mole checked out. As an Aquarius, you may be most likely to save the world but tend to forget you must save yourself first.

When Jupiter enters your romance and pleasure sector in June, look out! You will have many suitors vying for your affections. Do treat them with some respect. You Aquarians like to keep your options open, but this is a chance to venture beyond that unemotional dark side. At the very least, keep it under wraps until somebody better comes along. Unfortunately, next week's Valentine's Day is a lost cause for you since Jupiter does not move sectors until June. But, hey, Independence Day will be full of fireworks!

The total solar eclipse in November in your career sector will boost your professional status. This, of course, will only add to your elitist Aquarian reputation but you can overcome that by wowing everyone with your latest invention. Beware, however, when Neptune moves into your money sector. It might cause you to spend your way to financial ruin. (You did remember to patent that invention, right?)

Overall, 2012 is your year to shine, darling! After the past few years of gestation, you’re ready to show the world that Aquarians are more than just unpredictable, cranky hippies. Go for it!

Not an Aquarius? Too bad, but you can check the daily horoscope for all signs here.

Some famous Aquarians: Abraham Lincoln, Yoko Ono, John Travolta, Charles Darwin, Jennifer Aniston, Wolfgang Mozart, Virginia Woolf, Paul Newman, Babe Ruth, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Justin Timberlake, Grunty McBunty

How Did a Groundhog Get a Job in Meteorology?

by Dima Duzzen, Staff Writer

Guess what? We’ve got six more weeks of winter coming. And we know this because a certain groundhog named Phil saw his shadow today, thus predicting another year of American weather. Phil has never taken a meteorology class, but every year crowds (that can reach 30,000) swarm Punxatawney, Pennsylvania, and rise at an ungodly hour to catch a glimpse of this furry Nostradamus.

Photo: Gene J. Puskar/AP

 America’s Groundhog Day began around 1887, but such weather-forecasting traditions go back centuries to the Celtic festival of Imbolc — where nobody really knows what happened — and the religious holiday of Candlemas, where a witch-turned-saint named Brigid was known to say: “If Candlemas Day be bright and clear, there'll be two winters in the year.” The Church then made her bless and light every candle in the village.

It was those hearty Germans, settling in Pennsylvania in the late 1800s, who had a fondness for furry creatures like badgers, bears and groundhogs. Then editor of the Punxatawney city paper, Clymer Freas, joined a group of local German hunters in their annual tradition of barbecuing groundhogs and drinking beer. Freas enjoyed these gatherings so much that he created a story about a weather-predicting groundhog and promoted it in his newspaper every February 2.

The story caught on, somebody dragged Phil out of hibernation and made him the annual star of the show, putting Punxatawney, PA, on the map. (Phil himself declined to comment for this article. After predicting extended winters for 100 of his 126 years, his contract is up for re-negotiation this year.)

The concept of Groundhog Day became popular across North America, especially after Bill Murray’s 1993 movie of the same name. Several other states have their own ceremonial animals including Connecticut’s whistle pig Chuckles and Maryland’s blond hedgepog Kat who usually does a shadow dance to accompany her prediction. In Canada, a groundhog named Wiarton Willy forecasts the weather (he claims spring will never come).

If you’re sick of groundhogs, you can celebrate February 2 as World Wetlands Day, which apparently has been happening for 41 years. Maybe if they adopted a celebrity rodent, it would catch on.

What is Candlemas?
Actual Facts on why we celebrate Groundhog Day

History of the Super Bowl: An Interview with Al Dante

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Editor

This Sunday at 1:00 p.m. I’m settling myself on the couch for about 10 hours straight. With a cooler of drinks, 20 bags of chips and the Pizza Hut number programmed into my phone, I’ll be ready for Super Bowl XLVI (that’s 46 for all you Roman numeral-challenged folk). My wife is under strict orders not to bother me during this time. As a sports writer, I am working, after all. (Can you say “dream job?”)

As long as I’ve been doing this, I found someone with a more impressive record – Mr. Al Dante. Al is 57 and he has been to every Super Bowl since the first one in 1967. Here is my interview with him.

GM: Hello, Al.
Al: Hello, Grunty. Is that your real name?
GM: I’ll ask the questions here, Al. Why don’t you tell us about that first Super Bowl?
Al: Well, let’s see… that was January 15, 1967 -- I was 12 years old. We were living in California back then so my dad took me to L.A. for the game: Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs. Packers killed the Chiefs, 35-10, and I was hooked. We went to the 2nd Super Bowl the following year where the Packers won again. I ended up with a boy crush on Bart Starr after that. Put posters of him all over my room.

GM: TMI, Al. TMI… And so you found a way to attend the Super Bowl every year?
Al: Yep. In my early 20s I saved every penny for Bowl tickets. I sold my baseball card collection; I sold my brother’s baseball card collection. During college, I lived on bread and water to save money on food. Those were the Steel Curtain years when Pittsburgh ruled the game.
GM: Any favorite memories from then?
Al: I’ll never forget that amazing catch by Lynn Swann in Super Bowl X. A 64-yard touchdown pass in the final minutes. Terry Bradshaw was knocked out cold. Did you know that Swann himself had been recovering from a concussion and was a doubtful starter? Then he played his best game and got MVP.
GM: Yes, I’m pretty sure I knew that, Al.
Al: Those are the moments I love, Grunty!
GM: Do you go alone to the games or with friends?
Al: It changes every year. Through most of the 70s and 80s, I went with a friend or my brother. Then in 1987, I surprised my wife by taking her to the Super Bowl for our honeymoon. She surprised me by divorcing me shortly after.
GM: Shocker, Al.
Al: Learned my lesson there. I made sure my second wife was a football fan. It was even her idea to name our kids Elway and Montana.
GM: So, all those games… You must have some exciting moments to share.
Al: At Super Bowl XXIII, I got to meet that dog, Spuds MacKenzie, who did the Bud Light commercials. I had never met anyone famous before that – even had my picture taken with him! Spuds was very down-to-earth for a celebrity. He obviously didn’t let the fame go to his head.
GM: It’s a dog, Al. Actually, Spuds turned out to be a girl dog. Her real name was Honey Tree Evil Eye.
Al: Don’t crap on my memories, Grunty.
GM: Sorry…

Al: Now in 1995 [Super Bowl XXIX], I finally got on camera. Went shirtless and painted myself red and gold for the 49ers. Have to admit that I drank a bit too much that game. Camera got me doing some things I’m not proud of. One of my friends taped the game, and he taunts me with it to this day.
GM: Maybe you could share something with a little more class —
Al: One of the funniest moments was in 2004 (Super Bowl XXXVII) with the streaker. Never seen anything like it before – the streaker was on the field doing his little dance until he was just leveled by a Patriots linebacker. The police hogtied him and carried him away. My buddies and I laughed about that one for years.
GM: Making the Super Bowl a priority must wreak some havoc in your life. Do you have any regrets?
Al: Just one – that I wasn’t smart enough to patent an idea I had.
GM: Really? What idea was that?
Al: That whole “I’m going to Disney World” campaign with the winning quarterback. The NFL started it with Super Bowl XXI when Phil Simms won. But I had that idea back in 1984 after my first trip to Disney. I mentioned it to some friends of mine and then a few years later, there’s the commercial. The NFL stole my idea.
GM: O-kay…
Al: Still, I didn’t let it ruin my attendance streak. And I’m looking forward to this week’s Super Bowl – my forty-sixth! My daughter Montana is coming to the game with me – can’t tell you how proud I am of that girl. She plays wide receiver on a women’s community football team.
GM: Wonderful. Who are you rooting for this year?
Al: Well, probably the Giants – I feel sorry for that Manning kid -- but my real focus will be figuring out a way to meet Madonna. I hope I don’t have to resort to streaking —
GM: Well, that’s all the time we have today, Al. Thanks so much for joining us. Hope you and anyone reading this will enjoy Sunday’s game.