From Greece to London: The Olympics Then and Now

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Editor

The XXX Olympiad kicks off in London this Friday. The last time the festivities were held there was in post-war 1948 when athletes were expected to bring their own food. This time participants will have plenty of Big Macs to subsist on since the London Assembly apparently did not gain support in its bid to ban the fast food sponsor from the Games.

Expected to be a grand spectacle, one of the perks of the British location is that the Olympic torch can ride the London Eye as it did yesterday on Day 65 of its Relay. (Not as many people witnessed the flame being dropped on a street in Farnham Surrey.)

2012 marks the third time London has hosted the Olympics—the most of any city. Rumor has it that Paris was in the lead to host until French President Jacques Chirac insulted Britain before the vote by saying, “After Finland, it's the country with the worst food.” Book your tickets for the 2020 Helsinki games now.

Those Early Years

I grew up watching the Olympics on television every four years, humming the national anthem and taping newspaper clippings of Greg Louganis—er, I mean Steffi Graf—to my bedroom wall. I could not imagine an Olympics without colorful uniforms, ice dancing or corporate sponsors. You have to go back thousands of years to find that they originally began as part of a religious festival honoring Zeus, the god of thunder, lightning and disco. 

Those Ancient Games were held in Olympia, Greece, and the only allowed participants were Greek males who were not otherwise employed as poets, philosophers or slaves. A man trained competitively from boyhood while his mother baked baklava and yelled at him for throwing Yiayia’s antique plate-turned-discus at his sister’s head.  

Even then, many athletes employed professional trainers who coached them for their particular event and advised them on the most flattering pose for the Wheaties box. 

A Side of Politics or Religion?

The Ancient Olympics often became a staging ground for political rivalries and statements — something of an anomaly today. To quell political upheaval during the Games, a truce was called and faithfully observed, suspending wars and preventing military action. The truce also forbade legal disputes, the carrying out of death penalties and the music of Lady Gaga.

Today, there will be no such truce as Americans can undoubtedly be expected to endure thousands of negative campaign ads for Rombama. 

As for religion, the Vatican has been trying to emphasize the positive role sports can play in society. So last Sunday Pope Benedict XVI tweeted this: “I’ll be praying for #worldpeace, friendship and gold for @FedericaPellegrini.”

Sacrificial ceremonies were held throughout the Ancient Olympics, including the 100 oxen offered up to Zeus in the middle of the festival, right around the time when refreshments were running low and there was an urgent need for massive pots of ox tail stew. 

Bob Costas' hair

Altars were often erected like the gold and ivory, 42-foot high statue of Zeus that became one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. A comparable modern-day wonder would be Bob Costas’ hair.

Marketing Ploys

In Ancient Greece, the spectators came in droves and camped out beneath the sky—except for the aristocrats who knew to book five-star tents months ahead of time. The streets were filled with food vendors and merchants offering low quality, high-priced goods such as glow-in-the-dark olive wreaths for the kids, Eupolus of Thessaly bobbleheads or officially licensed “Rome Sucks” bumper stickers. 

2012 mascots Wenlock and Mandeville

In London, we have two Olympic mascots: Wenlock and Mandeville. As the story goes, these creepy, one-eyed creatures were fashioned from droplets of steel in the hopes of distracting the world from the dismally expensive and ugly 2012 Olympic logo.

Wenlock and Mandeville have their own animated film, website, Facebook and Twitter profiles. Vegas odds have them at 3 to 1 for winning Olympic gold. 

Oh Yeah, They Play Sports Too

The first Olympic Games for which we have written records dates back to 776 BCE when there was only one event (the stade, or 192-meter dash) won by a fry cook from Elis named Coroebus. Officials eventually added other sports like boxing, chariot racing and the pentathlon in which athletes (who competed naked) were judged in five events: running, jumping, javelin, pottery making and cruise ship entertainment. 

1896 Olympic pole vaulting team

Unfortunately, chariot racing did not make the transition when the modern-day Games were resurrected in 1896. Which is too bad because there’s nothing like a chariot race in the buff for pure unadulterated excitement.

Instead we have sports like curling, which involves men, brooms and ice. And—lucky us!—in 2016 we can look forward to the re-admission of golf as an official Olympic sport. Somehow those sneaky Scots have managed to infiltrate our games... 

In 393 CE, due to strong lobbying from right wing conservatives, the Roman emperor Theodosius I abolished the Olympic Games because of their pagan influences. It took nearly 1500 years for their reinstatement, which was spearheaded by Pierre de Coubertin, a French aristocrat whose biggest challenge in the whole matter was getting the French interested in sports. 

Jim McKay

He was finally able to coordinate delegates from nine countries into forming the very first International Olympic Committee, and in 1896 the modern-day Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece. The television coverage was not as broad as it is today, of course, but it gave ABC’s Jim McKay his start. 

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Mark your calendars now for the 2014 Winter Olympics to be held in Sochi, a city of 400,000. This is the first time the Games will be held in the Russian Federation since they were recognized in 1993 as something other than a nuisance.

So You Think You Want to Get Married...

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Spring is in the air, and with it comes love and … wedding fever. In the United States, 2.3 million couples marry every year — that’s nearly 6,200 weddings every day in this multi-billion dollar industry! And nearly one-third of those have been married before.

If you’re like me, you get so caught up in planning the wedding day, you don’t think much about what comes after: the unexplained late nights, the toenail clippings in the sink, the endless nagging about sticking to a budget. Hopefully, you’re not like me—but I know many of you are.

We grow up playacting our wedding day with Barbie and Ken. By the time we actually get engaged, we are well versed in everything wedding, from decorating ideas to bridal bargains to proper etiquette on criticizing your mother-in-law. But what do we actually know about marriage?

The dictionary defines marriage as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, bribery or desperation, solidified by a prenuptial agreement (or something similar involving partners of the same gender).”

"Adam and Eve" painting
by Lucas Cranach the Elder

Marriage actually has a long and complex history dating back to when Adam married Eve in a simple garden ceremony. The bride wore a strapless fig leaf gown by Versace and the couple selected a lovely apple china pattern — which was quickly smashed by Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Their union begat Cain and Abel and a long line of incestuous relationships until Ancient Hebrews decreed a law forbidding marriages of “any one near of kin.” Catholics and Protestants quickly latched onto this concept, each creating specific lists of who might be regarded as kin. For example, if you married and divorced one of the Baldwin brothers, you could not then marry any of the other Baldwins.

In Ancient Greece, where Pandora and Zorba are recognized as the first bride and groom, a man could marry a girl by winning her in a competition or stealing her away from her rightful owner. (Now this has “reality show” written all over it!) Arranged marriages are more of an Eastern concept. Known as omiai in Japan, suitable couples are matched by a go-between, or nakodo, who may also act as the marriage counselor once the husband realizes he has married a woman who cannot make good sushi.

Image from Baloo's Cartoon Blog

Most ancient societies married for economic reasons or to increase social status. But even then, they maintained modern symbols of marriage. The engagement ring, for instance, dates back to the caveman. The first engagement ring was a woven cord of grasses, which the man used to tie the hands and feet of his mate so that she could not run away. Another cord was placed over her mouth during football season. Once he began to trust that she would not leave him, he removed the cord from her feet and, finally, her hands until just a symbolic cord remained wrapped around her finger. Psychologists note that this use of bondage may be the cause for centuries of women equating sex with love. At the very least, it emerged as a popular market for the porn industry.

Mail order brides are another way to go. It is still a booming business in areas like Russia and southeast Asia, and remains a viable option for those singletons who strike out in more traditional dating venues. Just go to Loveme.com (who boasts 53 engagements this year!) to sign up for a Romance Tour where you may find your potential bride who, I am certain, does not resemble any of the half-naked models on their website.

If you’ve done your research and you still want to get married, then you probably haven’t been very thorough. Or else you’re engaged to Prince Harry. But then who am I to give advice? I sit here typing, my skin chafing from the woven grass ring around my finger.
  

The Truth About St. Patrick

by Darby the Leprechaun (as told to Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer)

Hallo there, kiddies! Me name’s Darby, and I’m here to tell you about that man you know as “Saint” Patrick. He’s not quite the serious fellow folks make him out to be in these pictures. Look at that frowny mug. Why if that’s the real Patrick, then call me a fairy!

Me boy Patrick was a spritely child, full of life and mischief. The son of wealthy parents. And not at all religious. Why I knew them meself – his father worked as a Christian deacon just for the tax benefits and the free wine!

History tells you that Patrick was kidnapped at the age of 16 by Irish pirates and sold into slavery where he turned to religion for comfort. That’s a bunch of crap! (Oops, sorry kids.)

Indeed Paddy was captured by a group of Druids (Celtic term for nature-lovin’ magical priests) who made their living selling cabbages door to door. Patrick suggested adding a side of corned beef, and the traditional Irish meal was born.

His new friends taught Patrick the fine skills of storytelling, sheep farming and Irish music. Oh, he loved the music did he! He learnt to play the fiddle, the bodhran and the uilleann pipes, eventually leaving County Mayo with his newly formed a band, Paddy and the Druids.

Again, history would have you believe that Patrick escaped from those nasty Druids, receiving divine messages about a mission to convert the Irish to Christianity.

Here’s what really happened:

Paddy and the Druids walked into a pub. After playing some snappy tunes for the patrons, Patrick got so drunk that he started spinning stories. One story was about a man who saved lives if you went to church and followed his rules. He even had a Santa Claus-like daddy doling out forgiveness to the good boys and girls.

Now to most people, this was just another drunken yarn, but there happened to be in the pub that night another man named Patrick (it was Ireland, after all) who was sober as a doornail, newly jobless and just ready to believe some blarney like that.

It was this Patrick who traveled throughout Ireland retelling that story and inadvertently converting people to Christianity. He might even be the mug with the somber beard, for all I know.

What happened to my Patrick, you ask? Well, I’d like to say that he soared to new heights of popularity and success with his band, but really, like many a good Irishman, he succumbed to the drink. He died on March 17. His band mates saluted him in a musical parade before replacing him with a slightly better-looking singer named Bono.