Woman Mortified by Flash Mob Gone Awry

By Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

It was a typical dreary New Jersey morning when Erin Hawthorne went to her cubicle job at XYZ Corporation. What she does at XYZ Corporation isn’t important—and nobody really knows anyway. What matters is that at approximately 11:14 a.m., a young man from IT walked by Erin’s cubicle and began to dance.

Strains of Lady Gaga filtered through the office as Erin received glares and hoots from coworkers who thought her responsible for the interruption.

Around the second verse, the dancing young man from IT was joined by the Human Resources staff, the Marketing Department and even Mildred, the 92-year-old secretary with a hip implant, in a rather nauseating version of “Born This Way.” (The Accounting Department would like the record to state that they were noticeably absent.) The XYZ Corporation employees shimmied, shook and sashayed themselves silly for four minutes as Erin turned a unique shade of purple and tried to hide under her desk.

While it appeared spontaneous, the flash mob was actually organized by balding middle manager, Lenny, who had the group practicing for weeks during illicit coffee breaks and rogue staff meetings. Lenny hit upon the flash mob idea to show support of Erin who had come out to her colleagues as a staunch Republican lesbian at a summer office party where the drinks flowed freely.

The problem? Erin had not yet informed her liberal Christian parents or her husband of 15 years that she was gay.

The problem blew up into a crisis when the “Born This Way” flash mob went viral on YouTube thanks to the awesome videography and SEO expertise of another young man from IT named Bill.

As we went to press, Erin’s parents were not speaking to her and her husband was last seen wandering the streets of their New Jersey neighborhood muttering, “Republican!”

On the bright side, former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary Cheney, reportedly tweeted to Erin: “Call me! Maybe.”

Check out a less embarrassing "Born This Way" flash mob that took place in a British Columbia mall during 2011 Gay Pride celebrations.

National Fight Procrastination Day and Other Weird Holidays

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

People around the country are poised to celebrate national Fight Procrastination Day tomorrow, September 6. It’s the day to do those things you keep putting off. Slobs and pack rats might use the day to organize their homes, offices and lives.  Spendaholics might devote the day to organizing their finances. Procrastinators might just wait until next year to celebrate it.

We the staff at NewsWARP are honoring national Fight Procrastination Day by writing about it today. And we’d like to offer you a slew of other strange and infrequently observed upcoming holidays to mark in the final months of 2012.

Photo by Benson Kua

• September 11: No News is Good News Day. We have nothing to report on this.
• September 16: Stay Away from Seattle Day. Started around 2008, this holiday was intended to give Seattle, often voted as one of “America’s Best Places to Live,” a break from the influx of people seeking rainy weather and excellent Asian food.
• September 28: Ask a Stupid Question Day. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when asking for the bathroom?
• October 2: Name Your Car Day. More people do this than you might realize. Just asking around the office here, staff admitted to a variety of names for their cars including: Tom Cruiser, The Blue Hamper, Zippy, Captain Rusty George and Yolanda.
• October 9: Moldy Cheese Day. Yum.

• October 14: Be Bald and Free Day. These days a bald head doesn’t have the social stigma that it used to (at least on men), but here’s a day to flaunt it anyway.
• October 25: Punk for a Day Day. No one knows the origin of this oddity, but here are some tips on the types of punk you might choose to be for a day.
• November 1: Plan Your Epitaph Day. What are the words you want to be remembered by? Spend an entire day brainstorming your gravestone text. And don’t forget to tell it to someone who is likely to outlive you.
• November 21: False Confessions Day. Whip up a frenzy of office gossip by confessing such things as “I kiss my dog on the lips.” or “I used to be a man.” or “I have a secret phobia of the letter B.” Kind of like an episode of Jerry Springer.



Actress Sofia Vergara

• November 22: Start Your Own Country Day. I like this idea, originally conceived for the 1939 World’s Fair. My country will be called Mo’s World and to be allowed entry, you have to provide me with one of the following: season tickets, steaks, an Oldsmobile F-88 or Sofia Vergara’s phone number.
• December 18: Roast a Suckling Pig Day. You have to prepare ahead for this one as it takes two full days to completely prepare and roast the baby pig. This iconic, cultural dish is often the centerpiece for a massive meal.
• December 21: Look at the Bright Side Day. Three days later, as you are still burping up pig remnants, is when you can say, “Well, now I understand why some people turn vegetarian.”
• December 26: Whiners’ Day. Officially recognized in 1986, the day after Christmas has become a day to whine about what you didn’t get. Some folks celebrate it with a “Whine and Geeze” party. Others get nominated for being the most famous whiner of the year. Past winners have included Lindsay Lohan, Kanye West, Mike Tyson and Martha Stewart.

View the full calendar of National Days.