A Few Brilliant Ideas on How to Improve the Oscars

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

The 84th Annual Academy Awards airs this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. on ABC. I’ve been an avid watcher for decades, however I’m always yawning by the time the meaty awards roll around.

Below, I’ve proposed some ideas on how to improve the Oscars. I’ll let you know when I hear back from the show’s producers.

• Have Glee’s Sue Sylvester host. She’s lean and mean with a side of snarky. Plus her ubiquitous tracksuit can help bring down the dress code standard. Award winner going too long on a speech? Sue gives them a slushie facial.
  
• Delete any award categories involving shorts or editing. Boooring.
• Wait until an actor dies to present him or her with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Then do it at their funeral.
• Fill the Kodak Theatre with seat warmers (homeless people will do) and have all the actual nominees tune in via oovoo. This provides a number of benefits: (1) producers can easily cut off any ramblers; (2) nominees don’t have to dress up; and (3) viewers get a delicious peek inside celebrity homes. The possibility of discovering that Meryl Streep is a slob or that George Clooney’s lawn is decorated with gnomes and pink flamingos will surely pique viewer interest.
• Have the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants really make an entrance. Like strutting out naked or leading a dog sled. Just don’t make them look like accountants, for God’s sake.
• Reduce the three-hour extravaganza to a five-minute YouTube video. You can squeeze lots of humor into five minutes, as evidenced by Kevin Kline and Mike Myers in this video on Oscar Etiquette.
• Don't show scenes from all the Best Picture nominees (nine this year). If I wanted to see film previews, I’d go to the movies. I’d rather spend my Oscar time counting Billy Crystal’s jokes or Angelina Jolie’s tattoos.
• Let the booze flow. Stop trying to present the Oscars as something much classier than the Golden Globes. It is still Hollywood. And watching Ricky Gervais slug beer while hosting the Globes is much more viewer-friendly than watching Oscar nominees perch rigidly in their seats. I don’t want to hear about the after-party drunkenness the next day; I want to see it live.
• Mandate Twitter-sized speeches for award winners. Only 140 characters allowed. 40 for you, Ashton Kutcher.