How to Host Your Own Oscar Party

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Themes are the key to any worthwhile party, and the Academy Awards makes that easy for you. Nominated movies dictate everything. So roll out the red carpet, and get ready for a fabulous evening!

Of course, you must dress up. Mimic the stars and don fancy gowns (the perfect opportunity to dust off those old bridesmaid dresses) or dress like a movie character: 1920s flapper, Hawaiian-shirted dad, Margaret Thatcher, overpaid ballplayer or even Walter the Muppet.

You Martha Stewart types can extend the movie theme to décor. Transform your living room into a romantic Parisian boulevard or a grungy basement office in the Oakland A’s Coliseum.  Make it a progressive party—host the awards portion at one house and the afterparty at another place, preferably Elton John’s.

Hire the neighborhood kids to take photos and video and to conduct red carpet interviews. One of them probably resembles Ryan Seacrest anyway. Your friends will ham it up for the paparazzi, and you’ll have something to blackmail them with later.

For the menu, you have loads of options. A few ideas: hotdogs and beer for Moneyball, pineapple and mango chunks for The Descendants, croissants and quiche for Midnight in Paris, chocolate pie for The Help. (If you’re a method actor, you might try bad Mexican as inspired by Bridesmaids.)

Helen Back asks: Are you an Oscar fan? What do you think will win Best Picture? Who are the sexiest nominated actor and actress? What are your Oscar party ideas? Please post your comments below.

Of course everyone really comes for the awards, so do not disappoint. You can hand out mini plastic Oscars or design your own unique statuette. And be clever. Anyone can win Best Dressed. Go for memorable categories such as Best Spanx, Underemployed Worker in a Supporting Role, Original Facelift or Most Likely to Sleep with Someone Else’s Husband.

Those neighborhood kids can earn their pay by keeping acceptance speeches brief. You’ll be amazed at how fifteen seconds in the spotlight—even if it’s a fake spotlight—can cause any Joe Schmo to babble endlessly. (Although I would advise against inviting Joe Schmo to your party. He has a history of streaking.)

Obviously you’ll include a game over who makes the most correct award predictions. Do consider an Oscar drinking game as well. Choose your Oscar drink and imbibe as follows: a sip for every “It’s an honor just to be nominated” uttered; a gulp for every joke made about last year’s hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco; a cocktail for every song-and-dance montage performed by Billy Crystal; a drink for every time the camera pans to George Clooney; two drinks for every liberal rant about politics; and an entire bottle of vodka if Woody Allen shows up.

Finally, you can surprise everyone by snagging a celebrity date. I hear Charlize Theron is available. 

A Few Brilliant Ideas on How to Improve the Oscars

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

The 84th Annual Academy Awards airs this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. on ABC. I’ve been an avid watcher for decades, however I’m always yawning by the time the meaty awards roll around.

Below, I’ve proposed some ideas on how to improve the Oscars. I’ll let you know when I hear back from the show’s producers.

• Have Glee’s Sue Sylvester host. She’s lean and mean with a side of snarky. Plus her ubiquitous tracksuit can help bring down the dress code standard. Award winner going too long on a speech? Sue gives them a slushie facial.
  
• Delete any award categories involving shorts or editing. Boooring.
• Wait until an actor dies to present him or her with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Then do it at their funeral.
• Fill the Kodak Theatre with seat warmers (homeless people will do) and have all the actual nominees tune in via oovoo. This provides a number of benefits: (1) producers can easily cut off any ramblers; (2) nominees don’t have to dress up; and (3) viewers get a delicious peek inside celebrity homes. The possibility of discovering that Meryl Streep is a slob or that George Clooney’s lawn is decorated with gnomes and pink flamingos will surely pique viewer interest.
• Have the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants really make an entrance. Like strutting out naked or leading a dog sled. Just don’t make them look like accountants, for God’s sake.
• Reduce the three-hour extravaganza to a five-minute YouTube video. You can squeeze lots of humor into five minutes, as evidenced by Kevin Kline and Mike Myers in this video on Oscar Etiquette.
• Don't show scenes from all the Best Picture nominees (nine this year). If I wanted to see film previews, I’d go to the movies. I’d rather spend my Oscar time counting Billy Crystal’s jokes or Angelina Jolie’s tattoos.
• Let the booze flow. Stop trying to present the Oscars as something much classier than the Golden Globes. It is still Hollywood. And watching Ricky Gervais slug beer while hosting the Globes is much more viewer-friendly than watching Oscar nominees perch rigidly in their seats. I don’t want to hear about the after-party drunkenness the next day; I want to see it live.
• Mandate Twitter-sized speeches for award winners. Only 140 characters allowed. 40 for you, Ashton Kutcher.