Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in various cultures around the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years.
Dr. Bill Loney,
I’ve had freckles since I was a kid and I’m sick of them. I’ve tried all sorts of fancy creams and lotions claiming to remove spots, but nothing works. Is there any way to finally get rid of my facial freckles?
Thanks,
Spotty
Absolutely! And it doesn’t cost a dime. While the Irish prefer to anoint a freckled face with the blood of a bull, I like the old Victorian remedy.
To get rid of freckles, get up at five-thirty on Sunday morning and go outside. (May is the preferable month so wait until then if you want to be sure this works.) If there is a lot of dew, get your hands real wet in the grass. Rub the dew on your face and turn around nine times, saying, "Dew, dew, do, do, take my freckles; wear ‘em on you; dew, dew, thank you.” You must say this nine times while turning around. Do not wash the dew off, and do not wash your face until the next day.
Dr. Bill Loney,
My mother’s arthritis is pretty bad and she doesn’t like to take medications. Any other ideas?
Gratefully yours,
Tired of Momma’s Achy Bones
Dear Achy Bones,
Does she mind grape juice? My Amish ancestors swear by this remedy: Dissolve 3/4 teaspoon powder pectin (or 1-tablespoon liquid pectin) in a glass of purple grape juice. Drink once a day.
Alternatively, you can take a dead cat into the woods to a hollow stump that has spunk in it. Twirl the cat overhead and then toss the cat to the south. Walk away north, but do not look back!
If you need a dead cat, call my office and my secretary will FedEx you one.
Dr. Bill Loney,
I’m a good-looking, fifty-something male having some issues down below. What Viagra-like natural remedies do you suggest for impotence?
Signed,
Feeling Deflated
 |
| A frog juice vendor in Lima, Peru. Photo: Martin Mejia/AP |
I would suggest the Peruvian Viagra, also known as frog juice. This natural aphrodisiac is in very high demand in the markets of Lima right now. Here’s how it works: You go to the market stall and pick your frogs from a tank. The vendor takes them out and bangs them against the table to kill them. Then she blends them with hot white bean broth, some honey, raw aloe vera and a generous portion of maca (an Andean root — the essential ingredient).
You get a glass of delicious warm frog juice, and your partner gets a piping hot morning glory, if you know what I mean.
Dr. Bill Loney,
Thank you,
J.
Dear J.
This ancient method may seem a bit harsh, but it does the trick. The next time she stutters, hit your friend in the mouth with a chicken gizzard.
No comments:
Post a Comment