So You Think You Want to Get Married...

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Spring is in the air, and with it comes love and … wedding fever. In the United States, 2.3 million couples marry every year — that’s nearly 6,200 weddings every day in this multi-billion dollar industry! And nearly one-third of those have been married before.

If you’re like me, you get so caught up in planning the wedding day, you don’t think much about what comes after: the unexplained late nights, the toenail clippings in the sink, the endless nagging about sticking to a budget. Hopefully, you’re not like me—but I know many of you are.

We grow up playacting our wedding day with Barbie and Ken. By the time we actually get engaged, we are well versed in everything wedding, from decorating ideas to bridal bargains to proper etiquette on criticizing your mother-in-law. But what do we actually know about marriage?

The dictionary defines marriage as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, bribery or desperation, solidified by a prenuptial agreement (or something similar involving partners of the same gender).”

"Adam and Eve" painting
by Lucas Cranach the Elder

Marriage actually has a long and complex history dating back to when Adam married Eve in a simple garden ceremony. The bride wore a strapless fig leaf gown by Versace and the couple selected a lovely apple china pattern — which was quickly smashed by Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Their union begat Cain and Abel and a long line of incestuous relationships until Ancient Hebrews decreed a law forbidding marriages of “any one near of kin.” Catholics and Protestants quickly latched onto this concept, each creating specific lists of who might be regarded as kin. For example, if you married and divorced one of the Baldwin brothers, you could not then marry any of the other Baldwins.

In Ancient Greece, where Pandora and Zorba are recognized as the first bride and groom, a man could marry a girl by winning her in a competition or stealing her away from her rightful owner. (Now this has “reality show” written all over it!) Arranged marriages are more of an Eastern concept. Known as omiai in Japan, suitable couples are matched by a go-between, or nakodo, who may also act as the marriage counselor once the husband realizes he has married a woman who cannot make good sushi.

Image from Baloo's Cartoon Blog

Most ancient societies married for economic reasons or to increase social status. But even then, they maintained modern symbols of marriage. The engagement ring, for instance, dates back to the caveman. The first engagement ring was a woven cord of grasses, which the man used to tie the hands and feet of his mate so that she could not run away. Another cord was placed over her mouth during football season. Once he began to trust that she would not leave him, he removed the cord from her feet and, finally, her hands until just a symbolic cord remained wrapped around her finger. Psychologists note that this use of bondage may be the cause for centuries of women equating sex with love. At the very least, it emerged as a popular market for the porn industry.

Mail order brides are another way to go. It is still a booming business in areas like Russia and southeast Asia, and remains a viable option for those singletons who strike out in more traditional dating venues. Just go to Loveme.com (who boasts 53 engagements this year!) to sign up for a Romance Tour where you may find your potential bride who, I am certain, does not resemble any of the half-naked models on their website.

If you’ve done your research and you still want to get married, then you probably haven’t been very thorough. Or else you’re engaged to Prince Harry. But then who am I to give advice? I sit here typing, my skin chafing from the woven grass ring around my finger.