Man Traces His Ancestry Back to Greek Gods

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

A certain pasty-faced, brown-haired young man has become something of a local celebrity in his hometown of Lime Springs, Iowa, since announcing that he’s related to the mythical Greek gods.

“Of course, I always questioned the name Ares,” said Ares Phaëthon Smith, 26, when I spoke with him recently. “My adoptive parents tried to pass it off as family name from their side, but come on. Their last name is Smith…

“I went on Ancestry.com where for just $49.95 I uncovered some records that started me down the right path.

"It looks like Zeus is my real dad. Of course he fathered a gazillion kids so that’s nothing special. My mom is a mortal named Crystal. She lives in Vegas where she works as a showgirl, so I tracked her down and we met up for lunch. I can see Zeus’ attraction.” 

What led Mr. Smith to dig up his family history now?

“Well,” Ares explained. “I love my adoptive parents, don’t get me wrong, but I never really felt like I belonged. I’m much taller than they are and not at all interested in corn. Then I noticed strange things about myself like my ability to communicate with eagles. Plus I was hit by lightning last summer and came away totally unaffected. The lightning bolt is Zeus’ symbol, so you can see the connection.”

Hmmm…

Ares went on, “I know you’re thinking ‘Why is my name Ares if Zeus is my dad?’ Well my mother didn’t want Hera to find out about another of Zeus’ affairs. She’d probably have killed me or Mom in one of her jealous rages. So she named me after the god Ares because no one gives a crap what he’s up to.

“Supposedly, I have a sister around my age too. Mom got a little too flirty with Dionysus one night after tasting his wine. I might try and track her down next. It’d be cool to have a sister. Plus, she might be hot.”

Ares' parents: Mr. and Mrs. Smith of Iowa

And what do Mr. Smith’s adoptive parents think of this genealogical discovery?

“Well, it’s not too pretty right now,” admitted Ares. “They’re saying my head is screwed up and that I’ll believe anything a pretty, red-headed showgirl says. Honestly, it takes all my willpower not to kill them with my semi-immortal strength.

“Which is something I inherited from my dad, of course. I get my curly red hair from Crystal and my thunder thighs from Zeus. 

“How cool does this make me, huh? A son of Zeus! Wish I had known this in high school when other kids were tossing me into lockers. It also explains my lack of commitment in relationships,” explained Ares. “Zeus couldn’t keep it in his pants for one minute, so what’s a son to do?”

What does this discovery mean to him?

“I’ve met people who get excited that they’ve traced their family history back to the Mayflower. Big deal. What is that, like 100 years ago? My history goes back to the beginning of time, man. Plus, my father will never die.

“And I’m looking forward to Uncle Hades’ birthday celebration next week. Haven’t yet figured out how I’ll get to Mount Olympus. I’m hoping there’s a bus… My plan is to videotape the celebration and post it on YouTube. If it goes viral, I’ll be semi-immortal AND dope!”

Yes, indeed, Mr. Smith.

From Greece to London: The Olympics Then and Now

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Editor

The XXX Olympiad kicks off in London this Friday. The last time the festivities were held there was in post-war 1948 when athletes were expected to bring their own food. This time participants will have plenty of Big Macs to subsist on since the London Assembly apparently did not gain support in its bid to ban the fast food sponsor from the Games.

Expected to be a grand spectacle, one of the perks of the British location is that the Olympic torch can ride the London Eye as it did yesterday on Day 65 of its Relay. (Not as many people witnessed the flame being dropped on a street in Farnham Surrey.)

2012 marks the third time London has hosted the Olympics—the most of any city. Rumor has it that Paris was in the lead to host until French President Jacques Chirac insulted Britain before the vote by saying, “After Finland, it's the country with the worst food.” Book your tickets for the 2020 Helsinki games now.

Those Early Years

I grew up watching the Olympics on television every four years, humming the national anthem and taping newspaper clippings of Greg Louganis—er, I mean Steffi Graf—to my bedroom wall. I could not imagine an Olympics without colorful uniforms, ice dancing or corporate sponsors. You have to go back thousands of years to find that they originally began as part of a religious festival honoring Zeus, the god of thunder, lightning and disco. 

Those Ancient Games were held in Olympia, Greece, and the only allowed participants were Greek males who were not otherwise employed as poets, philosophers or slaves. A man trained competitively from boyhood while his mother baked baklava and yelled at him for throwing Yiayia’s antique plate-turned-discus at his sister’s head.  

Even then, many athletes employed professional trainers who coached them for their particular event and advised them on the most flattering pose for the Wheaties box. 

A Side of Politics or Religion?

The Ancient Olympics often became a staging ground for political rivalries and statements — something of an anomaly today. To quell political upheaval during the Games, a truce was called and faithfully observed, suspending wars and preventing military action. The truce also forbade legal disputes, the carrying out of death penalties and the music of Lady Gaga.

Today, there will be no such truce as Americans can undoubtedly be expected to endure thousands of negative campaign ads for Rombama. 

As for religion, the Vatican has been trying to emphasize the positive role sports can play in society. So last Sunday Pope Benedict XVI tweeted this: “I’ll be praying for #worldpeace, friendship and gold for @FedericaPellegrini.”

Sacrificial ceremonies were held throughout the Ancient Olympics, including the 100 oxen offered up to Zeus in the middle of the festival, right around the time when refreshments were running low and there was an urgent need for massive pots of ox tail stew. 

Bob Costas' hair

Altars were often erected like the gold and ivory, 42-foot high statue of Zeus that became one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. A comparable modern-day wonder would be Bob Costas’ hair.

Marketing Ploys

In Ancient Greece, the spectators came in droves and camped out beneath the sky—except for the aristocrats who knew to book five-star tents months ahead of time. The streets were filled with food vendors and merchants offering low quality, high-priced goods such as glow-in-the-dark olive wreaths for the kids, Eupolus of Thessaly bobbleheads or officially licensed “Rome Sucks” bumper stickers. 

2012 mascots Wenlock and Mandeville

In London, we have two Olympic mascots: Wenlock and Mandeville. As the story goes, these creepy, one-eyed creatures were fashioned from droplets of steel in the hopes of distracting the world from the dismally expensive and ugly 2012 Olympic logo.

Wenlock and Mandeville have their own animated film, website, Facebook and Twitter profiles. Vegas odds have them at 3 to 1 for winning Olympic gold. 

Oh Yeah, They Play Sports Too

The first Olympic Games for which we have written records dates back to 776 BCE when there was only one event (the stade, or 192-meter dash) won by a fry cook from Elis named Coroebus. Officials eventually added other sports like boxing, chariot racing and the pentathlon in which athletes (who competed naked) were judged in five events: running, jumping, javelin, pottery making and cruise ship entertainment. 

1896 Olympic pole vaulting team

Unfortunately, chariot racing did not make the transition when the modern-day Games were resurrected in 1896. Which is too bad because there’s nothing like a chariot race in the buff for pure unadulterated excitement.

Instead we have sports like curling, which involves men, brooms and ice. And—lucky us!—in 2016 we can look forward to the re-admission of golf as an official Olympic sport. Somehow those sneaky Scots have managed to infiltrate our games... 

In 393 CE, due to strong lobbying from right wing conservatives, the Roman emperor Theodosius I abolished the Olympic Games because of their pagan influences. It took nearly 1500 years for their reinstatement, which was spearheaded by Pierre de Coubertin, a French aristocrat whose biggest challenge in the whole matter was getting the French interested in sports. 

Jim McKay

He was finally able to coordinate delegates from nine countries into forming the very first International Olympic Committee, and in 1896 the modern-day Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece. The television coverage was not as broad as it is today, of course, but it gave ABC’s Jim McKay his start. 

###

Mark your calendars now for the 2014 Winter Olympics to be held in Sochi, a city of 400,000. This is the first time the Games will be held in the Russian Federation since they were recognized in 1993 as something other than a nuisance.

CELEBRITY SUMMER SIGHTINGS by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

The Idiot's Guide to Social Media

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

My kids have been asking me to write about social media for a while now. Actually, they don’t even ask; they just text me reminders in between Facebook dates and Tweet-a-thons. I may not be the most tech-savvy guy, but I’ve managed to navigate my way through this Internet jungle. And I have faith that you can, too. 

So this article targets those parents who need to get a social network clue in order to communicate with their kids. If any tweens, teens and twenty-somethings don’t know what I’m talking about, please crawl back under your rock. Now.

The Social Network

Here are the basics:

Facebook

If you want an award-winning, cinematic version of the story behind the first social media application, watch “The Social Network.” In the meantime, here’s my shortened version: Facebook is a site where you can tell the world everything about yourself, post 451 photos of vacation sunsets and comment on your friends’ random activities. Best of all with today’s cell phones, you can update your status from anywhere:

Bob: My third trip to the bathroom this morning – damn you, Dunkin Donuts!
You:  

another amazing vacation sunset!

Just like high school, the more friends you have on Facebook, the more popular you are. Unlike high school, you can wear just about anything (or nothing at all) while chatting with those friends, and you have more time to think up clever comebacks.

Facebook has even made it acceptable for married folks to look up old lovers and “friend” them in way that never quite worked with Classmates. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

Facebook’s “wall” features the latest posts from your friends. Please note that it will typically be dominated by the most annoying ones. Like those who take 451 photos of sunsets.

On the bright side, Facebook is the perfect pastime for getting through the workday. Matter of fact, I can’t recall what I used to do with the 3+ hours I now use to scroll through my Facebook page conversing with my coworkers. 

Twitter

This social media website is all about cute bluebirds and celebrity stalking. It provides news and real-time information for people with short attention spans. No Chatty Cathys allowed in this forum! Twitter is only for those who can succinctly tell the world how much they hate their relationship or exactly what they’d like to do to their boss in 140 characters or less. Also, you must not be averse to frequently peppering your words with symbols like this: @#*#! It looks like swearing, but it’s actually smart social marketing that sometimes requires a translation dictionary for interpreting others’ comments.

#followfriday

Instead of Friends, you have Followers (emphasizes that stalking image). And on Fridays, everyone plays a game called “#followfriday” in which the most popular Tweeters decide who gets to join their clique and, afterwards, everyone goes out for a beer.

The celebrity stalking part comes in because you can actually follow famous people and, apparently, some of them tweet back. Not the really famous ones though. They have people who do it for them.

Here are some funny (actual) tweets. You should not tweet yourself unless you can match this standard.

• “To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree.’” – almightygod
• “My parents didn’t retweet me enough” – LarryBlanken
• “My mechanic just told me that I could pick my car up at 5 p.m. and that they ‘might be having a few beers there after work.’ OMG is this a date?!” - KatyDidSays

Read more funny tweets.

Pinterest

What is Pinterest? A photo gallery of images. An online scrapbook. A collection of To-Do and To-Have lists. And it’s the fastest rising social media app, second only to Facebook in user engagement. My wife loves it. She has created collages or “pinboards” for her favorite recipes, books she’s read, places she wants to travel and, her latest, “Things my husband does to annoy me.” Hehe. Guess I’m getting an online reputation. I’ll tweet about it later.

In my day, getting “pinned” meant nervously trying to cop a feel without poking a girl with your fraternity pin. Nowadays it means posting an image from any random website onto your “board” so that others will like it, repin it or comment on its stunning composition and lack of ubiquitous sunsets.

Samples of a few cool pinboards:

Awkward Family Photos 

Best Whiskey Board 

Fun with Animals

Digg

This is a social news website where users vote on whether stories suck or are worth sharing. Why can’t we do that with CNN?

Foursquare

This app has something to do with checking in at restaurants and other public places. I have yet to determine if reservations are required.

Bastille Day: A Celebration of French Independence and a Song by Rush

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

While we normally run a 4^th of July-themed article, this year we want to prove that we’re a forward-thinking, globally-aware newspaper. So we’re turning the spotlight on July 14, Bastille Day. Formally known across the pond as La Fête Nationale, it earned status as a French national holiday in 1790 or 1880, depending on which website you come across.  

Here’s a run-down on the events leading up to Bastille Day.

King Louis XVI

THE SETTING: France in the 1780s. 

THE CHARACTERS: (1) King Louis XVI, a shy, indecisive and irresponsible man more interested in hunting than ruling a country; (2) His wife, Marie Antoinette, who Louis married before either one was old enough to drive. Their marriage was a strategic alliance of families (his dealt in Bourbon, hers in Coke). Louis’ shyness and his fear of the manipulative Marie was so great that it took seven years before they could consummate their marriage.

THE SCENE: It was a time of great political and financial crisis. The poor were hungry, the businessmen felt unheard and the commoners were growing disgruntled with Louis and Marie who ran a corrupt system that favored an absolute monarchy. 

The French economic crisis caused the price of flour to grow astronomically, and this lead to rioting in the streets, for who were the French without baguettes and croissants? (It should be noted that Marie Antoinette never actually uttered the words: “Let them eat cake” when confronted with the bread shortage of the peasants. What she actually said was: “Don’t let them eat my cake.” Such was the French upper-class state of mind, probably a major contributing factor to Marie’s eventual beheading.)

THE PLOT THICKENS: As King, Louis did a good job of getting France deep into debt and repelling any original supporters by taxing them. His tax reform charged everyone except the Nobility, the Clergy and the Donald. The Third Estate (a.k.a. the commoners or 98% of France) finally revolted. Under the Tennis Court Oath of 1789, the Third Estate created a new National Assembly. They also voted to begin wearing only white on the courts. Louis did not approve and misplaced his anger by firing his popular Finance Minister, Jacques Necker.

The storming of the Bastille - Paris, July 14, 1789

THE BEGINNING OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION: The rise of the Third Estate incited fear and anxiety in the capital. Parisians panicked as general violence and rumors about a military coup began to spread.

On July 14, 1789, a group of commoners (mostly salesman, craftsman and unemployed drunkards) stole 28,000 military rifles. They then discovered the rifles had no gun powder. So off they went to the Bastille – the well-stocked royal prison where Louis and Marie locked up anyone who disagreed with them. 

The rioters arrived at a time when very few guards were on duty (most had fled to the Riviera for summer holiday). The guard in charge, the Marquis de Launay, called for backup. Unfortunately for him, when backup arrived, they joined forces with the mob and—in Jerry Bruckheimer-like fashion—easily stormed the Bastille, freed the prisoners and started a Revolution. 

Today the French celebrate Bastille Day much like Americans —with fireworks (this year set to a disco soundtrack!) parades and festive dances. Here in the USA, you can celebrate by singing along to the 1976 song “Bastille Day” by the band Rush.