The Non-Catholic's Guide to Lent

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

What is Lent? In the Roman Catholic Church, Lent is a gloomy, 40-day season of fasting and self-flagellation that begins with good intentions on Ash Wednesday and ends with gluttony on Easter Sunday. You may have Catholic friends who talk about giving up candy or soda or cigarettes during Lent. This is symbolic of giving up your sinful ways. Ideally, Catholics would make such sacrifice and be reborn at Easter. In reality, Easter means scarfing down loads of whatever vice you gave up and thanking God you made it through those six weeks of hell.

Primarily, Lent is the season for celebrating penance (an oxymoron if there ever was one). It is rather like an extended version of the sacrament of Reconciliation (a.k.a. confession) where you pretend you’re sorry for a bunch of things and trust that reciting a few prayers will get you into heaven.

Who makes all these rules? While the rules of Lent are set forth in the Code of Canon Law (for the Roman Catholic Church), they can be modified by the bishops of a particular country. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops tends to be pretty mercurial in their interpretation of the law. For example, they revised the definition of fasting to mean eating one full meal and two partial meals with protein shakes allowed in between.

What’s the deal with the ashes? Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, which according to americancatholic.org is one of the most attended liturgies of the year. Apparently, people come for the free dirt. The purpose behind being smudged on the forehead is to remind us of our mortality (“remember that you are dust”) and to mark you as a Catholic so that coworkers can call you out for eating an Italian sub in the lunchroom.

What should I do if I see someone with ashes on their forehead? As a lapsed Catholic, I often forget what time of year it is until I see that telltale black smudge on various foreheads. Still, my first instinct is to tell them they’ve got something on their face. That’s a true sign of how far lapsed I am. Really, you should nod and smile and tactfully wait until they are out of earshot before exploding with laughter.

 Why can’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? In the 12th century, the Church required members to abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and all Fridays throughout the year, mostly to remind everyone that Jesus died on a Friday. And that he didn’t like meat.

During a fit of leniency in 1966, the U.S. Bishops reduced this restriction to only Lenten Fridays. Why meat? Because people like it and notice its absence. Meat is also a primary source of rank flatulence, and, back then—between the lack of sewage systems and the piles of horse crap filling the roads—there was already an overabundance of foul odors.

What is the purpose of fasting? Aside from its sacrificial joys, fasting before Easter is supposed to cleanse you so that you can celebrate the ecstasy of Christ’s resurrection with an “uplifted and clear mind.” Fasting is also an aid to prayer, as the pangs of hunger remind us of our hunger for God. Or our hunger for a juicy burger. Whichever one is stronger.

Does the Church have specific laws about fasting? Is the Pope Catholic? Here are the rules: Catholics between 18 and 59 are obliged to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Catholics age 14 and older must abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Lenten Fridays. However, a good Catholic will know the loopholes. For example, even though solid meat is forbidden, it is permissible to eat chicken broth or to pour bacon drippings down your throat.

Additionally, the Church dispenses (pardons) airport workers and those traveling aboard ships or planes from the laws of fasting. However, they must perform other pious acts instead. This gives new meaning to the mile-high club.

What is Holy Week? It is the home stretch of Lent and includes themed days such as Palm Sunday, Tiresome Tuesday, Wicked Wednesday, Maundy Thursday (the Last Supper), Good Friday (the Crucifixion), Holy Saturday and Super Bowl Sunday (the Hail Mary).

Holy Week is a time to commemorate and re-enact the suffering and death of Jesus, which is why Catholic schoolchildren often put on crucifixion plays. (In the Philippines, one lucky person actually gets nailed to a cross). The Stations of the Cross is another popular and violent aspect of Holy Week where Catholics indulge in scenes of Jesus’ betrayal, arrest, trial and death. It is rather like an episode of Law and Order.

I’m a non-Catholic planning on marrying a Catholic. Are there other rules about Lent that I should know? Weddings cannot take place during Holy Week or Lenten Sundays. And any wedding held during Lent cannot be lavish or elaborate unless you are a celebrity or marry aboard an airplane (see above).

During Lent, faithful Catholics are urged to attend Mass as often as possible. (It looks good on your resume at the pearly gates.) You should be prepared for this as Lent usually falls during March Madness, and you may find yourself being dragged to church instead of enjoying the basketball game.

One resourceful reverend created an online competition combining religion with sports. It is called Lent Madness, and you should check it out. Please note that this was developed by an Episcopalian reverend so the Catholic Church likely frowns upon it.

How to Host Your Own Oscar Party

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Themes are the key to any worthwhile party, and the Academy Awards makes that easy for you. Nominated movies dictate everything. So roll out the red carpet, and get ready for a fabulous evening!

Of course, you must dress up. Mimic the stars and don fancy gowns (the perfect opportunity to dust off those old bridesmaid dresses) or dress like a movie character: 1920s flapper, Hawaiian-shirted dad, Margaret Thatcher, overpaid ballplayer or even Walter the Muppet.

You Martha Stewart types can extend the movie theme to décor. Transform your living room into a romantic Parisian boulevard or a grungy basement office in the Oakland A’s Coliseum.  Make it a progressive party—host the awards portion at one house and the afterparty at another place, preferably Elton John’s.

Hire the neighborhood kids to take photos and video and to conduct red carpet interviews. One of them probably resembles Ryan Seacrest anyway. Your friends will ham it up for the paparazzi, and you’ll have something to blackmail them with later.

For the menu, you have loads of options. A few ideas: hotdogs and beer for Moneyball, pineapple and mango chunks for The Descendants, croissants and quiche for Midnight in Paris, chocolate pie for The Help. (If you’re a method actor, you might try bad Mexican as inspired by Bridesmaids.)

Helen Back asks: Are you an Oscar fan? What do you think will win Best Picture? Who are the sexiest nominated actor and actress? What are your Oscar party ideas? Please post your comments below.

Of course everyone really comes for the awards, so do not disappoint. You can hand out mini plastic Oscars or design your own unique statuette. And be clever. Anyone can win Best Dressed. Go for memorable categories such as Best Spanx, Underemployed Worker in a Supporting Role, Original Facelift or Most Likely to Sleep with Someone Else’s Husband.

Those neighborhood kids can earn their pay by keeping acceptance speeches brief. You’ll be amazed at how fifteen seconds in the spotlight—even if it’s a fake spotlight—can cause any Joe Schmo to babble endlessly. (Although I would advise against inviting Joe Schmo to your party. He has a history of streaking.)

Obviously you’ll include a game over who makes the most correct award predictions. Do consider an Oscar drinking game as well. Choose your Oscar drink and imbibe as follows: a sip for every “It’s an honor just to be nominated” uttered; a gulp for every joke made about last year’s hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco; a cocktail for every song-and-dance montage performed by Billy Crystal; a drink for every time the camera pans to George Clooney; two drinks for every liberal rant about politics; and an entire bottle of vodka if Woody Allen shows up.

Finally, you can surprise everyone by snagging a celebrity date. I hear Charlize Theron is available. 

A Few Brilliant Ideas on How to Improve the Oscars

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

The 84th Annual Academy Awards airs this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. on ABC. I’ve been an avid watcher for decades, however I’m always yawning by the time the meaty awards roll around.

Below, I’ve proposed some ideas on how to improve the Oscars. I’ll let you know when I hear back from the show’s producers.

• Have Glee’s Sue Sylvester host. She’s lean and mean with a side of snarky. Plus her ubiquitous tracksuit can help bring down the dress code standard. Award winner going too long on a speech? Sue gives them a slushie facial.
  
• Delete any award categories involving shorts or editing. Boooring.
• Wait until an actor dies to present him or her with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Then do it at their funeral.
• Fill the Kodak Theatre with seat warmers (homeless people will do) and have all the actual nominees tune in via oovoo. This provides a number of benefits: (1) producers can easily cut off any ramblers; (2) nominees don’t have to dress up; and (3) viewers get a delicious peek inside celebrity homes. The possibility of discovering that Meryl Streep is a slob or that George Clooney’s lawn is decorated with gnomes and pink flamingos will surely pique viewer interest.
• Have the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants really make an entrance. Like strutting out naked or leading a dog sled. Just don’t make them look like accountants, for God’s sake.
• Reduce the three-hour extravaganza to a five-minute YouTube video. You can squeeze lots of humor into five minutes, as evidenced by Kevin Kline and Mike Myers in this video on Oscar Etiquette.
• Don't show scenes from all the Best Picture nominees (nine this year). If I wanted to see film previews, I’d go to the movies. I’d rather spend my Oscar time counting Billy Crystal’s jokes or Angelina Jolie’s tattoos.
• Let the booze flow. Stop trying to present the Oscars as something much classier than the Golden Globes. It is still Hollywood. And watching Ricky Gervais slug beer while hosting the Globes is much more viewer-friendly than watching Oscar nominees perch rigidly in their seats. I don’t want to hear about the after-party drunkenness the next day; I want to see it live.
• Mandate Twitter-sized speeches for award winners. Only 140 characters allowed. 40 for you, Ashton Kutcher.

Countdown to Downton Abbey Season 2 Finale

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

It’s just 2 days, 11 hours and 5 minutes until the Downton Abbey Season 2 finale, and I am aflutter with excitement! Will Matthew and Mary finally get together? Will Bates go to jail for murder? What scathing remark will spew forth from the Dowager Countess next? And will someone please smack that vile Sir Richard?

While waiting, I took the “Which character are you?” quiz, which put me upstairs as Lady Mary Crawley. Rightly so. I couldn’t handle it downstairs with those hideous uniforms. Like Mary, I yearn for glamour and excitement! And exotic delicacies! Although I never would have slept with that Pamuk fellow.

Cast of Downton Abbey, PBS Masterpiece

In the finale, Christmas arrives at Downton Abbey. All those holiday puddings and parties will likely bring relief from an abundance of war and Spanish flu. It also means eight months will have passed between episodes. Lady Mary and Sir Richard were supposed to marry in July; I’m curious to see what (or who) threw a wrench into those plans. The same with Lady Sybil and Branson – will they have married off-screen and be banished to Ireland forever? I doubt it. Lord Grantham is a softie at heart. Too bad that sweet maid Jane has left. I’d have liked to see her knocking boots with her boss, perhaps in the library or Carson’s office. And what trouble will Thomas create next? Both he and O’Brien have been uncharacteristically agreeable lately. Surely that won’t last. It wouldn’t surprise me if O’Brien somehow had a hand in the death of Mrs. Bates.

Are you a fan? What do you think will happen in the finale? Who is the sexiest character? Please post your comments below.

Looking forward to Season 3, there will be plenty of historical backdrop for new plotlines. 1920s England comes with the breakdown of the aristocracy, the birth of the cocktail, unemployment, jazz music, relaxed fashion standards and women’s right to vote. Also, Shirely MacLaine joins the cast as Lady Grantham’s mother. She’s sure to match the Dowager Countess barb for pithy barb.

Watch a preview scene from the finale – no spoilers here!

What You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, that bane of dateless people everywhere. But did you know this fuzzy, romantic holiday has beginnings steeped in paganism and violence?

It all started with those hedonistic Romans. There they were minding their own business and celebrating the mid-February pagan fertility festival of Lupercalia. Sources vary on which god this ritual honored: Faunus, Romulus or Elvisus.

The goat skin slappers of Lupercalia

The festival—a young man’s rite of passage—consisted of male youths running through town slapping others with pieces of goat skin to rid them of bad luck and infertility. I kid you not. This general rowdiness was followed by a lottery in which all the town’s willing young women put their names into an urn. Each man selected a name and the respective woman became his pleasure companion for the upcoming year. An updated version of this can be studied today via television’s The Bachelor.

The Romans seemed quite happy and sexually satisfied with this process so, of course, the Catholic Church had to find a way to squelch it. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius (who was a bit of a Vegas man himself) outlawed the Lupercalia festival but retained the lottery aspect of the ritual. Only now instead of women’s names in the urn, there would be names of saints. Both men and women would draw a name and, for the next year, they would be expected to imitate the life of the selected saint.

Well ain’t that the Catholic Church for you — getting as far removed from an original meaning as possible. While many Romans followed this new law, most were unsatisfied and left to form a nudist colony in the French Riviera.

The Church chose St. Valentine to replace the pagan fertility god and represent the “romantic” aspect of the new ritual.

Now who was St. Valentine? Well, Val was a bishop who lived around the 3rd century A.D., right when the Emperor Claudius II (of the popular PBS series I, Claudius) issued an edict forbidding marriage because he believed married men made poor soldiers. Today we know that married men actually make poor housemaids.

Val, who had voted for the more liberal Nader, disagreed with the Emperor’s views, and he continued to perform marriages in secret. It wasn’t long before Claudius discovered this and threw him into prison. Apparently, this was before the vow of chastity was set in stone because Val fell in love with his jailer’s daughter and wrote her love letters, the final one signed “from your Valentine.” A sweet note of affection, yes, but probably not very consoling for her in dealing with Val’s subsequent beheading.

Despite such early beginnings, Valentine’s Day did not become widely celebrated until 17th century Great Britain. It was those reserved Brits who popularized the valentine greeting card as a safe way to express one’s true feelings.

Today, thankfully, one doesn’t have to be imprisoned in order to exchange meaningful valentines. One only has to head to the nearest mall to load up on some frivolous and totally irrelevant gifts. However, if one does forget about this special day, it could indeed result in a beheading.

Food for Thought:

1. True or False. Giving your loved one a Valentine gift from Frederick’s of Hollywood honors the essence of the pagan Lupercalia festival.
2. If you consistently received more than ten valentines each year in school, you were probably:
1. a good friend
2. very popular
3. the butt of a good joke
4. a slut
3. As demonstrated in this story, the Catholic Church has a long history of suppressing sexuality and personal freedom. However, Catholicism has continued to rank as one of the top three world religions. Explain.
4. In Christian custom, one usually has to be a martyr to be named a saint. Does sacrificing your own needs in order to cater to your partner’s count?
5. And, finally, do you think Pope Gelasius wore boxers or briefs?

Your Horoscope in 2012: AQUARIUS

by Palacia, Astrologer to the Stars and Beyond!

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):
Jupiter spends the first half of the year in your home and family sector, so this is the time to focus on mending family relationships and getting that strange mole checked out. As an Aquarius, you may be most likely to save the world but tend to forget you must save yourself first.

When Jupiter enters your romance and pleasure sector in June, look out! You will have many suitors vying for your affections. Do treat them with some respect. You Aquarians like to keep your options open, but this is a chance to venture beyond that unemotional dark side. At the very least, keep it under wraps until somebody better comes along. Unfortunately, next week's Valentine's Day is a lost cause for you since Jupiter does not move sectors until June. But, hey, Independence Day will be full of fireworks!

The total solar eclipse in November in your career sector will boost your professional status. This, of course, will only add to your elitist Aquarian reputation but you can overcome that by wowing everyone with your latest invention. Beware, however, when Neptune moves into your money sector. It might cause you to spend your way to financial ruin. (You did remember to patent that invention, right?)

Overall, 2012 is your year to shine, darling! After the past few years of gestation, you’re ready to show the world that Aquarians are more than just unpredictable, cranky hippies. Go for it!

Not an Aquarius? Too bad, but you can check the daily horoscope for all signs here.

Some famous Aquarians: Abraham Lincoln, Yoko Ono, John Travolta, Charles Darwin, Jennifer Aniston, Wolfgang Mozart, Virginia Woolf, Paul Newman, Babe Ruth, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Justin Timberlake, Grunty McBunty

How Did a Groundhog Get a Job in Meteorology?

by Dima Duzzen, Staff Writer

Guess what? We’ve got six more weeks of winter coming. And we know this because a certain groundhog named Phil saw his shadow today, thus predicting another year of American weather. Phil has never taken a meteorology class, but every year crowds (that can reach 30,000) swarm Punxatawney, Pennsylvania, and rise at an ungodly hour to catch a glimpse of this furry Nostradamus.

Photo: Gene J. Puskar/AP

 America’s Groundhog Day began around 1887, but such weather-forecasting traditions go back centuries to the Celtic festival of Imbolc — where nobody really knows what happened — and the religious holiday of Candlemas, where a witch-turned-saint named Brigid was known to say: “If Candlemas Day be bright and clear, there'll be two winters in the year.” The Church then made her bless and light every candle in the village.

It was those hearty Germans, settling in Pennsylvania in the late 1800s, who had a fondness for furry creatures like badgers, bears and groundhogs. Then editor of the Punxatawney city paper, Clymer Freas, joined a group of local German hunters in their annual tradition of barbecuing groundhogs and drinking beer. Freas enjoyed these gatherings so much that he created a story about a weather-predicting groundhog and promoted it in his newspaper every February 2.

The story caught on, somebody dragged Phil out of hibernation and made him the annual star of the show, putting Punxatawney, PA, on the map. (Phil himself declined to comment for this article. After predicting extended winters for 100 of his 126 years, his contract is up for re-negotiation this year.)

The concept of Groundhog Day became popular across North America, especially after Bill Murray’s 1993 movie of the same name. Several other states have their own ceremonial animals including Connecticut’s whistle pig Chuckles and Maryland’s blond hedgepog Kat who usually does a shadow dance to accompany her prediction. In Canada, a groundhog named Wiarton Willy forecasts the weather (he claims spring will never come).

If you’re sick of groundhogs, you can celebrate February 2 as World Wetlands Day, which apparently has been happening for 41 years. Maybe if they adopted a celebrity rodent, it would catch on.

What is Candlemas?
Actual Facts on why we celebrate Groundhog Day