“In the beginning, there was no baseball. But ever since, there have been few beginnings as good as the start of a new baseball season. It is the most splendid time in sport.” — B.J. PhillipsThere’s a lot to be said about a new baseball season, and this quote brings several things to mind, not the least of which is who on earth is B.J. Phillips?
However, the man does make a good point, namely that there is nothing finer than watching a sport where you can conceivably accomplish several household tasks at the same time and not miss a damn thing. A sport where one doesn’t have to be young or thin or of African descent to play well; he only has to be learned in the art of spitting and not averse to grabbing his crotch on national television.
We have such a player with us today, Jorge Mojoriverez, who is starting his first season with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
GRUNTY: Jorge, I have to admit I didn’t even realize Pittsburgh still had a baseball team.
JORGE: I am proud to be a Pirate.
GRUNTY: Really? Because my notes tell me the Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons – the longest in North American sports history.
JORGE: I believe this is our year.
GRUNTY: Well, I admire your obliviousness. Now tell me, how far can you spit?
JORGE: Almost three feet. I’m just happy to be here—hope I can help the ball club.
GRUNTY: Impressive. Tell me, Jorge, do they feed you well at the ballpark?
JORGE: Good food, yes. I am proud to be a Pirate.
GRUNTY: Because I have a gripe about ballpark food. The prices keep getting higher and the beers keep getting lighter. At my last game, the nachos were shaped like Derek Jeter’s head but they tasted like crap. Seems like fancy schmancy marketing ploys are replacing quality food. Can you talk to someone about that for me?
JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.
GRUNTY: Excellent. Now I must admit I’m unsure what players are on the Pirates roster this year – or the last decade, for that matter. Is it safe to say they’ve got one really decent pitcher, a few power hitters and five guys from Venezuela?
JORGE: Venezuela! My country. I believe this is our year.
GRUNTY: Listen, Jorge, I think we’re getting off track here. When a new baseball season starts, I like to watch all the classic baseball movies: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Major League… It’s kind of a ritual for me. Do you have any early season rituals?
 |
| Click here for video of HSM2: "I Don't Dance" |
GRUNTY: Can you show us some moves?
JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.
GRUNTY: Oh, nevermind. Just, play ball.
No comments:
Post a Comment