Are You Ready for Your Kids To Go Off to College? (A Back-to-School Quiz for Parents)

It’s that time of year when kids return to school, and, if you are the parent of a college-aged child, you might be experiencing some major feelings of loss. Your baby is about to head out into the adult world! (Or, at least, what poses as the adult world for a little while.) Can you handle it? Are you prepared for anything?

Take the quiz below to see how well you can go with the flow.

A.     I plan to celebrate my child’s entry into college by:

a.     Taking him on a dorm shopping spree

b.     Driving him to school amid teary farewells

c.      Booking a cruise for my spouse and me – finally!

B.     I understand that the first year of college may result in:

a.     Homesick phone calls and requests for money

b.     Weight gain of about 15 pounds (for everyone involved)

c.      Pregnancy scares

C.     My plans for Junior’s bedroom:

a.     Clean every inch of it to my satisfaction

b.     Keep everything exactly as is for his frequent visits home

c.      Goodbye bedroom, hello yoga studio!

D.     Care packages to my child will include:

a.     Checks and expensive steaks

b.     Stuffed animals and gooey love notes

c.      A forwarding address

E.     My own college years were:

a.     A nightmare of exams and research papers

b.     A quest for Mr. Right

c.      A quest for Mr. Right Now

F.     When I find myself crying over my child’s absence, I will:

a.     Distract myself with some other activity

b.     Journal about my fears and insecurities

c.      Surprise him with a visit and a six-pack of beer

G.     My decorating scheme for my child’s dorm is:

a.     Zen minimalism: desk, chair, books—no distractions from studying

b.     Pink virginal fabrics and a huge photo of her father, the policeman

c.      Just like mine was—lava lamps, beaded curtains and a box of condoms

H.     What I most want my child to get out of college is:

a.     An employable double major and a 4.0 GPA

b.     A bigger appreciation for me

c.      A groovy experience

I.      What I least want my child to get out of college is:

a.     An expectation of me to pay for grad school

b.     Stress from academic and peer pressure

c.      A case of herpes

J.      My biggest fear is that these college years will:

a.     Be a complete waste of money

b.     Intoxicate my child with alcohol, drugs and sex

c.      Be so fun for me that I’ll never want my child to come back

K.     The best advice I can offer my child is:

a.     Stay away from liberal arts majors

b.     Never trust a professor who hangs out at college bars

c.      Some of the world’s most successful people are college dropouts

If you answered mostly As, your child is likely the self-absorbed kind who will live at home, unemployed, until his thirties. If you are mostly Bs, you’re just asking for rebellion and early grandparenthood. If you are mostly Cs, it sounds like you should probably go back to college yourself.

Buy the poster.

2012 Election Coverage: National Conventions for Dummies

by Justin Hale, Washington correspondent

Hello, Justin Hale here, reporting to you with up-to-the-minute details on the upcoming Democratic and Republican National conventions. As I am a registered Libertarian, you can trust my point of view to be unbiased.

Let’s start with the basics. 

Why do we have national conventions?
Held every four years, these high-priced events give politicians a reason to party, collect money and strut before the media. Sometimes they even nominate presidential candidates. 

GOParty!

The two conventions are nothing alike. The Democratic Party (“party of the common man”) consists of rich white men rallying for an economically and socially diverse America, while the Republican Party (“Grand Old Party”) consists of rich white men rallying for other rich white men. In this case, the rich white man looks to be that fellow from Massachusetts as the official Republican National Convention website declares: “Learn about Mitt Romney: Presumed Republican Nominee.” Rick who?

The other purpose of the national conventions is for each party to announce its policy platform, otherwise known as “the things they’ll claim to do if elected.” Expect these platforms to be exaggerated and overused during the rest of the campaign and please note that they are not at all binding.

Can I attend the conventions?
Certainly.  The Democratic National Convention will be held in Charlotte (a city of “southern charm and modern sophistication” located in one of the Carolinas) from September 3-6. You could win a free trip to Charlotte just by donating $5. If you go, check out CarolinaFest on Day 1. It’s a free, family-friendly event being touted as the most accessible in convention history. So be sure to leave your wallet at home and avoid sniper-friendly spaces.

The GOP holds their convention next week (August 27-30) in Tampa, as Florida has always been good to Republicans. More than 70,000 delegates, party officials, journalists and protesters are expected to hit Tampa as is Tropical Storm Isaac, which should be up to hurricane force by then.

What’s new this year?
2004 was the first convention to include a press corps of bloggers. (The first time I heard the word 'blogger' I envisioned little frogs being squashed by cars as they leaped across the highway.) Blogs allowed the public to post comments, questions and sarcastic remarks online. Which meant that people like Roy from Fish Haven, Idaho, could join in the political festivities. He didn’t even have to know how to spell “political;” he only needed Internet access.

Cool Infographics!

Eight years later, social media has exploded into many avenues, yet it’s basically the same. Now Roy from Fish Haven, Idaho, can follow you on Twitter, friend you on Facebook and stalk you at access-friendly CarolinaFest. Ah, technology.

If you’re a news junkie, you can follow all the convention details from your phone or pad since both parties have created mobile apps. The Republicans named theirs the “Convention Without Walls,” which appears quite fitting with Hurricane Isaac on its way. 

In another nod toward being accessible, the Democratic National Convention Committee is allowing people to register for a Tweetup (an in-person meetup of social media gurus) and—wait for it… to sign up for a podium tour! The fun never ends in Charlotte.

Can you tell me what each party stands for?
Not really, and neither can they. However, let’s look at the candidates’ websites.  

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan (www.mittromney.com) are posing as America’s Comeback Team. “Comeback from what?” is the question posed by bloggers at Stuff Black People Don’t Like. (Yes, it’s an actual website.) 

The good news is that Mitt Romney’s Plan for a Stronger Middle Class will provide more jobs and more take-home pay! Here’s how: 

1. Give every family access to good schools and quality teachers!! (how?)
2. Open new markets for American goods and services!! (where?)
3. Build a tar sands pipeline that will destroy wildlife habitat in six U.S states and threaten us with oil leaks and polluted water! Yay!!

Support Romney with this shirt.

Show your support for Romney now by ordering the “Built It” T-shirt.

On their website (www.barackobama.com), Barack Obama and Joe Biden call themselves the Truth Team. The President tells the financial truth up front (“Romney makes more money than I do”) by asking you to "close the gap" with a donation. Then you can learn the facts about Rombama and get the whole truth straight from the mouth of former president Bill Clinton. 

President Obama’s site includes a section of fun infographics (depicting everything from foreign countries that benefit from Romney’s Tax Plan to how Obama is helping kids go to college) and a program called the Romney Tax Calculator that tells you how much you’ll pay (or get back) in taxes depending on who becomes President. 

Enjoy a steaming mug of Joe Biden!

About the only section of Obama’s website that didn’t talk about Romney was the Store, which showcased a wide range of pretty cool merchandise including an “I Meow for Michelle” cat collar and a “Cup of Joe” Biden mug.

As you can plainly see, the national conventions are a media circus of confused politicians.

Perhaps author Norman Mailer said it best when in 1976 he described the national conventions as: "a fiesta, a carnival, a pig-rooting, horse-snorting, band-playing, voice screaming medieval get together of greed, practical lust, compromised idealism, career- advancement, meeting, feud, vendetta, conciliation of rabble-rousers, fist fights, embraces, drunks and collective rivers of animal sweat."

And from this, America gets its leader.

The Health Corner with Dr. Bill Loney: FUN WITH PHOBIAS

Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in primitive cultures all over the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years. In this column, he focuses on common questions received about phobias.

Dr. Bill Loney,

My wife has social phobia. I am embarrassed to explain this to others when we can’t attend a party or have to suddenly leave the supermarket. Am I alone in this? Are there other such weirdos out there?

Thanks,

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

More weird phobias

You and your wife are not alone! About 15 million Americans suffer from some form of social phobia from public speaking to eating in front of others to anxiety when walking on a crowded street. There’s nothing weird about it. You want weird? Check out these phobias:

• Cacophobia – Fear of ugliness. This is especially rampant in Hollywood and college sororities.
• Epistemophobia – Fear of knowledge. Could explain the high rate of stupid people in America.
• Vestiophobia – Fear of clothing. This phobia particularly affects saggy, European middle-aged men.
• Nephophobia - Fear of clouds. Frankly, I can’t believe that enough people suffer from this that they had to create a name for it. If you’re really bored, view this mini documentary of a man with nephophobia.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

I am deathly scared of spiders. Can you tell me what creatures inspire the most fright?

Signed,

Arachnophobic

Dear Arachnophobic,

The top fright-inspiring creatures (in no particular order) are: spiders, snakes, dogs, rats and Gonzo.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Do famous people ever get scared?

Joe Normal

Dear Joe,

Certainly they do. And because they are in the spotlight, celebrity fears are often magnified. George Washington, for instance, had taphephobia or the fear of being buried alive. He even specified that his body be left alone for several days after his death in case he wasn’t quite dead.

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia (fear of everything) including heights, bright colors, animals, award ceremonies, elevators and peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Alfred Hitchcock had an intense fear of eggs (ovophobia). Oprah Winfrey fears gum chewing, and even banned it from her television studio.

One of the strangest phobias might be Billy Bob Thornton’s fear of antique furniture (anything made before the 1950s). You won’t catch him filming a period piece.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Is it crazy that I fear going to doctors more than death?

Signed,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You are simply human. On most lists of People’s Top Fears, death usually ranks about 5^th or sometimes not at all. 

What beats out death? Fear of:

Roy Sullivan hit by lightning 7 times

• Public speaking
• Flying
• Heights
• Darkness
• Thunder and lightning
• Failure
• Dentists
• Commitment 

Yet, these things do not really address the core fear. What are people actually afraid of in each category?

• Making an ass out of themselves
• Crashing (hence, death, or severe mangling)
• Falling (again, death, or severe mangling)
• Being attacked by monsters
• Being struck by lightning (death, or severe frying)
• Making an ass out of themselves
• Pain
• Being trapped and suffocated (again, death)