Another Baseball Season Begins (Plus a Few Words With a Rookie)

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Writer

“In the beginning, there was no baseball. But ever since, there have been few beginnings as good as the start of a new baseball season. It is the most splendid time in sport.” — B.J. Phillips

There’s a lot to be said about a new baseball season, and this quote brings several things to mind, not the least of which is who on earth is B.J. Phillips?

However, the man does make a good point, namely that there is nothing finer than watching a sport where you can conceivably accomplish several household tasks at the same time and not miss a damn thing. A sport where one doesn’t have to be young or thin or of African descent to play well; he only has to be learned in the art of spitting and not averse to grabbing his crotch on national television.

We have such a player with us today, Jorge Mojoriverez, who is starting his first season with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

GRUNTY: Jorge, I have to admit I didn’t even realize Pittsburgh still had a baseball team.

JORGE: I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Really? Because my notes tell me the Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons – the longest in North American sports history.

JORGE: I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Well, I admire your obliviousness. Now tell me, how far can you spit?

JORGE: Almost three feet. I’m just happy to be here—hope I can help the ball club.

GRUNTY: Impressive. Tell me, Jorge, do they feed you well at the ballpark?

JORGE: Good food, yes. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Because I have a gripe about ballpark food. The prices keep getting higher and the beers keep getting lighter. At my last game, the nachos were shaped like Derek Jeter’s head but they tasted like crap. Seems like fancy schmancy marketing ploys are replacing quality food. Can you talk to someone about that for me?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Excellent. Now I must admit I’m unsure what players are on the Pirates roster this year – or the last decade, for that matter. Is it safe to say they’ve got one really decent pitcher, a few power hitters and five guys from Venezuela?

JORGE: Venezuela! My country. I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Listen, Jorge, I think we’re getting off track here. When a new baseball season starts, I like to watch all the classic baseball movies: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Major League… It’s kind of a ritual for me. Do you have any early season rituals?

Click here for video of HSM2: "I Don't Dance"

JORGE: In Venezuela, we have the Dancing Devils ritual. In America, we dance during practice. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Can you show us some moves?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Oh, nevermind. Just, play ball.

Trending Now: Celebrities Running for Office

by Mo Tickleson, Features

Roseanne Barr, 2012 Green Party Candidate

Who knew in February, when TV’s Roseanne announced her candidacy for the Presidential race that it would spark a celebrity stampede for political office? While Roseanne Barr officially has her name on the Green Party ballot for June, a few Hollywood hopefuls have just recently tossed their hats into the ring.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be seeking loopholes for a way to run for President even though he was not born in the United States.

Friends of the Terminator remain optimistic. “After all,” said one. “Arnold did hold Republican support as California governor for 8 years even though he’s pro-choice, pro-gay rights and pro-gun control. So, really, anything’s possible.”

Former NFL player and coach, Mike Ditka

Former NFL player, coach and ultra-conservative Mike Ditka—who almost ran against Obama in 2004 for an open seat in the U.S. Senate for Illinois—announced his plan to oppose frontrunner, Mitt Romney, in the Republican nomination.

Ditka punched his fist into the air and said, “Someone has to wipe that smirk off Romney’s face. Might as well be someone with THREE Super Bowl rings.” According to Ditka’s press secretary, fellow Republican Meatloaf has already been slated to sing at the presidential inauguration.

Actor and political activist Charlton Heston sent a message from the otherworld (through Shirley MacLaine) that he’s tempted to come back to join the 2012 race.

Shirley said Heston posed these questions: “Is it possible, like the Oscars, to be nominated for U.S. President posthumously?” “What kind of name is Mitt?” and “Who in their right mind wouldn’t vote for Moses?”

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari of "Bosom Buddies"

On the Democratic side, fan favorite Tom Hanks announced his bid for the party’s nomination.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Obama, but I want to be sure a Democrat stays in the White House,” said Hanks. “And I believe the current political climate is calling for a Bosom Buddy.”

Hanks said he already has plans to appoint Steven Spielberg as Cabinet Director. The actor’s potential vice presidential running mates are Steven King, Larry David and Oprah.

Peter Scolari declined to comment.

Political analyst Thomas Q. Walsh had this to say: “Being famous does not guarantee political victory.” [examples: John Glenn, Oliver North and Bill Bradley] “A celebrity needs three things for a chance of winning: excellent communication skills, political shrewdness and the ability to stay out of the tabloids.” Thankfully, this rules out the Kardashians.

Walsh added, “The best celebrity candidates are those who can relate to the average American.”

When pressed for an opinion on the current crop of Hollywood candidates, Walsh said, “Sports are huge in middle America. So is pent-up rage. I think Ditka has the best shot.”

See ya, Obama. Make way for Da Prez.

CELEBRITIES CELEBRATE EASTER! by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Are You Ready for April Fool's?

Are you ready for April Fools?
by Grunty McBunty, Sports

I’m not. My buddies and my kids always try to pull one over on me. And they usually succeed. (My wife once convinced me that I’d signed a prenup giving her 80% of my assets.) I’m not the brightest bulb in the box.

However, I’m always looking for good ideas. If you’ve got a good hoax planned, let me know about it (after the fact, of course). Leave your comment below.

Otherwise, here’s a sprinkling of some of the best April Fool’s Day pranks in history: 


1.  The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest of 1957. A British news show broadcast a story about a bumper crop of spaghetti in Switzerland. Their phony video footage of people pulling pasta off tree branches had hordes of callers inquiring about how to grow a spaghetti tree.
2. The Taco Liberty Bell of 1996. A full-page ad appearing in six major U.S. newspapers announced that Taco Bell had purchased the historic Liberty Bell, renaming it as “Taco Liberty Bell.” Thousands of irate citizens hounded Philadelphia’s National Park Service until Taco Bell fessed up to the hoax.
3. The Left-Handed Whopper of 1998. Not to be outdone by Taco Bell, Burger King introduced the “left-handed Whopper” to their menu. Ads claimed the new Whopper included all the original ingredients but rotated the condiments 180 degrees to benefit America’s left-handed citizens. Burger Kings everywhere were inundated with requests for the special burger as well as demands for a right-handed burger.
4. The Loch Ness Monster Corpse of 1972. A British zoo employee played a prank by tossing a dead 15-foot-long bull elephant seal into Loch Ness where it was discovered by his colleagues and made national headlines within hours.
5. The Eruption of Mt. Edgecombe, 1974. Terrified Alaskan residents woke up to black smoke spewing from Mt. Edgecombe, a long-dormant volcano. The Coast Guard pilot sent to investigate the matter found an enormous pile of tires burning inside the crater with the words “April Fool” painted nearby.
6. Drunk Driving on the Internet, 1994. An article described Congressional bill SB 040194 that would make it illegal to drink alcohol or discuss sexual matters on the “Information Highway.” Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "What politician wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?"
7. The Predictions of Jonathan Swift, 1708. Masquerading as an astrologer, Jonathan Swift predicted the death of a famous rival astrologer, John Partridge. Swift released a pamphlet confirming Partridge’s death the following day. People who saw Partridge that day thought they were seeing a ghost or a doppelganger. Partridge could not convince anyone he was actually alive.
8. The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie of 1997. Fans of the funnies found their favorite comics in all the wrong places when 46 artists conspired to take over each other’s strips for the day. Garfield’s artist took over Blondie, Dilbert entered into Family Circus and everyone got confused.
9. Smellovision of 1965. A BBC interview with a London professor introduced “smellovision” -– technology that allowed viewers to experience the odors on their TV screen. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they could indeed smell the onions and coffee in the BBC’s demonstration.
10. Nixon for President, 1992. NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” program broadcast Richard Nixon’s decision to run for president under the slogan: "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." NPR was flooded with outraged phone calls. The phony audio clips were delivered by impersonator Rich Little.

Read more from the museum of hoaxes.

Celebrating the VERNAL EQUINOX or Happy First Day of SPRING!

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Today is the first day of spring, also known as the Vernal Equinox. The sun crosses over the Earth’s equator, halving the day into equal parts light and dark. This astrological balance leads many to believe the equinox is a time when you can balance eggs or broomsticks on end. Does it work? Watch Phil the Bad Astronomer try egg balancing.

What’s the significance of this day? In Christianity, Easter always falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. Early Egyptians built the Great Sphinx so that it points directly toward the rising Sun on the day of the Vernal Equinox. On this day, pagans celebrate Eostre (or Ostara, the precursor to Christian Easter) as the beginning of spring.

Most importantly, it is a time of exuberance and fertility. Winter is over! Huzzah!

The equinox is an excellent time for ancient rituals rejoicing over the warming earth and sprouting new life. Spring rituals often involve flowers, greenery, eggs (symbol of fertility), candles and mud. According to MoonShine Mary, leader of a local pagan group, dance is one ritual that should not be overlooked.

“Dance as if you are a new shoot rising from the Earth! Wear green if possible, or better yet, dance naked,” suggests Mary. “Dance with your sisters under the rising sun, and call out chants to the Mother Goddess: ‘New light!’ ‘ Lady Earth lives!’ ‘ Sap rising!’ or whatever else comes to mind.”

As the original New Year (celebrated as Nowruz in several countries including Iran), the Vernal Equinox is also a great time for making vows. Here are some examples:

• “I will make peace with my mother-in-law.”
• “I will clean out the attic before summer.” 
• “I will read more than just the comics section of the newspaper.” 
• “I will never devour an entire cheesecake in one sitting again…unless I’ve just spent an entire week with my mother-in-law.”

Speaking of cheesecake, no equinox celebration is complete with a feast. Choose foods that celebrate spring such as eggs, spring greens, asparagus and lamb. Or, if you feel daring, try Patti Wigington’s recipe for Ostara Peep Ambrosia.

Let us end with a few inspired words from MoonShine Mary: “Virgin Spring, we greet you! Warm our earth, our seedlings, our souls! Behold the darkness and light as equals! Who is our Goddess? She bursts forth from within us!”

Huzzah!

The Truth About St. Patrick

by Darby the Leprechaun (as told to Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer)

Hallo there, kiddies! Me name’s Darby, and I’m here to tell you about that man you know as “Saint” Patrick. He’s not quite the serious fellow folks make him out to be in these pictures. Look at that frowny mug. Why if that’s the real Patrick, then call me a fairy!

Me boy Patrick was a spritely child, full of life and mischief. The son of wealthy parents. And not at all religious. Why I knew them meself – his father worked as a Christian deacon just for the tax benefits and the free wine!

History tells you that Patrick was kidnapped at the age of 16 by Irish pirates and sold into slavery where he turned to religion for comfort. That’s a bunch of crap! (Oops, sorry kids.)

Indeed Paddy was captured by a group of Druids (Celtic term for nature-lovin’ magical priests) who made their living selling cabbages door to door. Patrick suggested adding a side of corned beef, and the traditional Irish meal was born.

His new friends taught Patrick the fine skills of storytelling, sheep farming and Irish music. Oh, he loved the music did he! He learnt to play the fiddle, the bodhran and the uilleann pipes, eventually leaving County Mayo with his newly formed a band, Paddy and the Druids.

Again, history would have you believe that Patrick escaped from those nasty Druids, receiving divine messages about a mission to convert the Irish to Christianity.

Here’s what really happened:

Paddy and the Druids walked into a pub. After playing some snappy tunes for the patrons, Patrick got so drunk that he started spinning stories. One story was about a man who saved lives if you went to church and followed his rules. He even had a Santa Claus-like daddy doling out forgiveness to the good boys and girls.

Now to most people, this was just another drunken yarn, but there happened to be in the pub that night another man named Patrick (it was Ireland, after all) who was sober as a doornail, newly jobless and just ready to believe some blarney like that.

It was this Patrick who traveled throughout Ireland retelling that story and inadvertently converting people to Christianity. He might even be the mug with the somber beard, for all I know.

What happened to my Patrick, you ask? Well, I’d like to say that he soared to new heights of popularity and success with his band, but really, like many a good Irishman, he succumbed to the drink. He died on March 17. His band mates saluted him in a musical parade before replacing him with a slightly better-looking singer named Bono.

Happy Procrastination Week!

NOTE: Because our staff writers put off their assignments to the last minute, we have no new articles this week. We apologize for any inconvenience or lasting depression this may cause.

In the meantime, click here for a quiz to find out what type of procrastinator you are.