Are You Ready for April Fool's?

Are you ready for April Fools?
by Grunty McBunty, Sports

I’m not. My buddies and my kids always try to pull one over on me. And they usually succeed. (My wife once convinced me that I’d signed a prenup giving her 80% of my assets.) I’m not the brightest bulb in the box.

However, I’m always looking for good ideas. If you’ve got a good hoax planned, let me know about it (after the fact, of course). Leave your comment below.

Otherwise, here’s a sprinkling of some of the best April Fool’s Day pranks in history: 


1.  The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest of 1957. A British news show broadcast a story about a bumper crop of spaghetti in Switzerland. Their phony video footage of people pulling pasta off tree branches had hordes of callers inquiring about how to grow a spaghetti tree.
2. The Taco Liberty Bell of 1996. A full-page ad appearing in six major U.S. newspapers announced that Taco Bell had purchased the historic Liberty Bell, renaming it as “Taco Liberty Bell.” Thousands of irate citizens hounded Philadelphia’s National Park Service until Taco Bell fessed up to the hoax.
3. The Left-Handed Whopper of 1998. Not to be outdone by Taco Bell, Burger King introduced the “left-handed Whopper” to their menu. Ads claimed the new Whopper included all the original ingredients but rotated the condiments 180 degrees to benefit America’s left-handed citizens. Burger Kings everywhere were inundated with requests for the special burger as well as demands for a right-handed burger.
4. The Loch Ness Monster Corpse of 1972. A British zoo employee played a prank by tossing a dead 15-foot-long bull elephant seal into Loch Ness where it was discovered by his colleagues and made national headlines within hours.
5. The Eruption of Mt. Edgecombe, 1974. Terrified Alaskan residents woke up to black smoke spewing from Mt. Edgecombe, a long-dormant volcano. The Coast Guard pilot sent to investigate the matter found an enormous pile of tires burning inside the crater with the words “April Fool” painted nearby.
6. Drunk Driving on the Internet, 1994. An article described Congressional bill SB 040194 that would make it illegal to drink alcohol or discuss sexual matters on the “Information Highway.” Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "What politician wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?"
7. The Predictions of Jonathan Swift, 1708. Masquerading as an astrologer, Jonathan Swift predicted the death of a famous rival astrologer, John Partridge. Swift released a pamphlet confirming Partridge’s death the following day. People who saw Partridge that day thought they were seeing a ghost or a doppelganger. Partridge could not convince anyone he was actually alive.
8. The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie of 1997. Fans of the funnies found their favorite comics in all the wrong places when 46 artists conspired to take over each other’s strips for the day. Garfield’s artist took over Blondie, Dilbert entered into Family Circus and everyone got confused.
9. Smellovision of 1965. A BBC interview with a London professor introduced “smellovision” -– technology that allowed viewers to experience the odors on their TV screen. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they could indeed smell the onions and coffee in the BBC’s demonstration.
10. Nixon for President, 1992. NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” program broadcast Richard Nixon’s decision to run for president under the slogan: "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." NPR was flooded with outraged phone calls. The phony audio clips were delivered by impersonator Rich Little.

Read more from the museum of hoaxes.

Celebrating the VERNAL EQUINOX or Happy First Day of SPRING!

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Today is the first day of spring, also known as the Vernal Equinox. The sun crosses over the Earth’s equator, halving the day into equal parts light and dark. This astrological balance leads many to believe the equinox is a time when you can balance eggs or broomsticks on end. Does it work? Watch Phil the Bad Astronomer try egg balancing.

What’s the significance of this day? In Christianity, Easter always falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. Early Egyptians built the Great Sphinx so that it points directly toward the rising Sun on the day of the Vernal Equinox. On this day, pagans celebrate Eostre (or Ostara, the precursor to Christian Easter) as the beginning of spring.

Most importantly, it is a time of exuberance and fertility. Winter is over! Huzzah!

The equinox is an excellent time for ancient rituals rejoicing over the warming earth and sprouting new life. Spring rituals often involve flowers, greenery, eggs (symbol of fertility), candles and mud. According to MoonShine Mary, leader of a local pagan group, dance is one ritual that should not be overlooked.

“Dance as if you are a new shoot rising from the Earth! Wear green if possible, or better yet, dance naked,” suggests Mary. “Dance with your sisters under the rising sun, and call out chants to the Mother Goddess: ‘New light!’ ‘ Lady Earth lives!’ ‘ Sap rising!’ or whatever else comes to mind.”

As the original New Year (celebrated as Nowruz in several countries including Iran), the Vernal Equinox is also a great time for making vows. Here are some examples:

• “I will make peace with my mother-in-law.”
• “I will clean out the attic before summer.” 
• “I will read more than just the comics section of the newspaper.” 
• “I will never devour an entire cheesecake in one sitting again…unless I’ve just spent an entire week with my mother-in-law.”

Speaking of cheesecake, no equinox celebration is complete with a feast. Choose foods that celebrate spring such as eggs, spring greens, asparagus and lamb. Or, if you feel daring, try Patti Wigington’s recipe for Ostara Peep Ambrosia.

Let us end with a few inspired words from MoonShine Mary: “Virgin Spring, we greet you! Warm our earth, our seedlings, our souls! Behold the darkness and light as equals! Who is our Goddess? She bursts forth from within us!”

Huzzah!

The Truth About St. Patrick

by Darby the Leprechaun (as told to Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer)

Hallo there, kiddies! Me name’s Darby, and I’m here to tell you about that man you know as “Saint” Patrick. He’s not quite the serious fellow folks make him out to be in these pictures. Look at that frowny mug. Why if that’s the real Patrick, then call me a fairy!

Me boy Patrick was a spritely child, full of life and mischief. The son of wealthy parents. And not at all religious. Why I knew them meself – his father worked as a Christian deacon just for the tax benefits and the free wine!

History tells you that Patrick was kidnapped at the age of 16 by Irish pirates and sold into slavery where he turned to religion for comfort. That’s a bunch of crap! (Oops, sorry kids.)

Indeed Paddy was captured by a group of Druids (Celtic term for nature-lovin’ magical priests) who made their living selling cabbages door to door. Patrick suggested adding a side of corned beef, and the traditional Irish meal was born.

His new friends taught Patrick the fine skills of storytelling, sheep farming and Irish music. Oh, he loved the music did he! He learnt to play the fiddle, the bodhran and the uilleann pipes, eventually leaving County Mayo with his newly formed a band, Paddy and the Druids.

Again, history would have you believe that Patrick escaped from those nasty Druids, receiving divine messages about a mission to convert the Irish to Christianity.

Here’s what really happened:

Paddy and the Druids walked into a pub. After playing some snappy tunes for the patrons, Patrick got so drunk that he started spinning stories. One story was about a man who saved lives if you went to church and followed his rules. He even had a Santa Claus-like daddy doling out forgiveness to the good boys and girls.

Now to most people, this was just another drunken yarn, but there happened to be in the pub that night another man named Patrick (it was Ireland, after all) who was sober as a doornail, newly jobless and just ready to believe some blarney like that.

It was this Patrick who traveled throughout Ireland retelling that story and inadvertently converting people to Christianity. He might even be the mug with the somber beard, for all I know.

What happened to my Patrick, you ask? Well, I’d like to say that he soared to new heights of popularity and success with his band, but really, like many a good Irishman, he succumbed to the drink. He died on March 17. His band mates saluted him in a musical parade before replacing him with a slightly better-looking singer named Bono.

Happy Procrastination Week!

NOTE: Because our staff writers put off their assignments to the last minute, we have no new articles this week. We apologize for any inconvenience or lasting depression this may cause.

In the meantime, click here for a quiz to find out what type of procrastinator you are.

The Non-Catholic's Guide to Lent

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

What is Lent? In the Roman Catholic Church, Lent is a gloomy, 40-day season of fasting and self-flagellation that begins with good intentions on Ash Wednesday and ends with gluttony on Easter Sunday. You may have Catholic friends who talk about giving up candy or soda or cigarettes during Lent. This is symbolic of giving up your sinful ways. Ideally, Catholics would make such sacrifice and be reborn at Easter. In reality, Easter means scarfing down loads of whatever vice you gave up and thanking God you made it through those six weeks of hell.

Primarily, Lent is the season for celebrating penance (an oxymoron if there ever was one). It is rather like an extended version of the sacrament of Reconciliation (a.k.a. confession) where you pretend you’re sorry for a bunch of things and trust that reciting a few prayers will get you into heaven.

Who makes all these rules? While the rules of Lent are set forth in the Code of Canon Law (for the Roman Catholic Church), they can be modified by the bishops of a particular country. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops tends to be pretty mercurial in their interpretation of the law. For example, they revised the definition of fasting to mean eating one full meal and two partial meals with protein shakes allowed in between.

What’s the deal with the ashes? Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, which according to americancatholic.org is one of the most attended liturgies of the year. Apparently, people come for the free dirt. The purpose behind being smudged on the forehead is to remind us of our mortality (“remember that you are dust”) and to mark you as a Catholic so that coworkers can call you out for eating an Italian sub in the lunchroom.

What should I do if I see someone with ashes on their forehead? As a lapsed Catholic, I often forget what time of year it is until I see that telltale black smudge on various foreheads. Still, my first instinct is to tell them they’ve got something on their face. That’s a true sign of how far lapsed I am. Really, you should nod and smile and tactfully wait until they are out of earshot before exploding with laughter.

 Why can’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? In the 12th century, the Church required members to abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and all Fridays throughout the year, mostly to remind everyone that Jesus died on a Friday. And that he didn’t like meat.

During a fit of leniency in 1966, the U.S. Bishops reduced this restriction to only Lenten Fridays. Why meat? Because people like it and notice its absence. Meat is also a primary source of rank flatulence, and, back then—between the lack of sewage systems and the piles of horse crap filling the roads—there was already an overabundance of foul odors.

What is the purpose of fasting? Aside from its sacrificial joys, fasting before Easter is supposed to cleanse you so that you can celebrate the ecstasy of Christ’s resurrection with an “uplifted and clear mind.” Fasting is also an aid to prayer, as the pangs of hunger remind us of our hunger for God. Or our hunger for a juicy burger. Whichever one is stronger.

Does the Church have specific laws about fasting? Is the Pope Catholic? Here are the rules: Catholics between 18 and 59 are obliged to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Catholics age 14 and older must abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Lenten Fridays. However, a good Catholic will know the loopholes. For example, even though solid meat is forbidden, it is permissible to eat chicken broth or to pour bacon drippings down your throat.

Additionally, the Church dispenses (pardons) airport workers and those traveling aboard ships or planes from the laws of fasting. However, they must perform other pious acts instead. This gives new meaning to the mile-high club.

What is Holy Week? It is the home stretch of Lent and includes themed days such as Palm Sunday, Tiresome Tuesday, Wicked Wednesday, Maundy Thursday (the Last Supper), Good Friday (the Crucifixion), Holy Saturday and Super Bowl Sunday (the Hail Mary).

Holy Week is a time to commemorate and re-enact the suffering and death of Jesus, which is why Catholic schoolchildren often put on crucifixion plays. (In the Philippines, one lucky person actually gets nailed to a cross). The Stations of the Cross is another popular and violent aspect of Holy Week where Catholics indulge in scenes of Jesus’ betrayal, arrest, trial and death. It is rather like an episode of Law and Order.

I’m a non-Catholic planning on marrying a Catholic. Are there other rules about Lent that I should know? Weddings cannot take place during Holy Week or Lenten Sundays. And any wedding held during Lent cannot be lavish or elaborate unless you are a celebrity or marry aboard an airplane (see above).

During Lent, faithful Catholics are urged to attend Mass as often as possible. (It looks good on your resume at the pearly gates.) You should be prepared for this as Lent usually falls during March Madness, and you may find yourself being dragged to church instead of enjoying the basketball game.

One resourceful reverend created an online competition combining religion with sports. It is called Lent Madness, and you should check it out. Please note that this was developed by an Episcopalian reverend so the Catholic Church likely frowns upon it.

How to Host Your Own Oscar Party

by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent

Themes are the key to any worthwhile party, and the Academy Awards makes that easy for you. Nominated movies dictate everything. So roll out the red carpet, and get ready for a fabulous evening!

Of course, you must dress up. Mimic the stars and don fancy gowns (the perfect opportunity to dust off those old bridesmaid dresses) or dress like a movie character: 1920s flapper, Hawaiian-shirted dad, Margaret Thatcher, overpaid ballplayer or even Walter the Muppet.

You Martha Stewart types can extend the movie theme to décor. Transform your living room into a romantic Parisian boulevard or a grungy basement office in the Oakland A’s Coliseum.  Make it a progressive party—host the awards portion at one house and the afterparty at another place, preferably Elton John’s.

Hire the neighborhood kids to take photos and video and to conduct red carpet interviews. One of them probably resembles Ryan Seacrest anyway. Your friends will ham it up for the paparazzi, and you’ll have something to blackmail them with later.

For the menu, you have loads of options. A few ideas: hotdogs and beer for Moneyball, pineapple and mango chunks for The Descendants, croissants and quiche for Midnight in Paris, chocolate pie for The Help. (If you’re a method actor, you might try bad Mexican as inspired by Bridesmaids.)

Helen Back asks: Are you an Oscar fan? What do you think will win Best Picture? Who are the sexiest nominated actor and actress? What are your Oscar party ideas? Please post your comments below.

Of course everyone really comes for the awards, so do not disappoint. You can hand out mini plastic Oscars or design your own unique statuette. And be clever. Anyone can win Best Dressed. Go for memorable categories such as Best Spanx, Underemployed Worker in a Supporting Role, Original Facelift or Most Likely to Sleep with Someone Else’s Husband.

Those neighborhood kids can earn their pay by keeping acceptance speeches brief. You’ll be amazed at how fifteen seconds in the spotlight—even if it’s a fake spotlight—can cause any Joe Schmo to babble endlessly. (Although I would advise against inviting Joe Schmo to your party. He has a history of streaking.)

Obviously you’ll include a game over who makes the most correct award predictions. Do consider an Oscar drinking game as well. Choose your Oscar drink and imbibe as follows: a sip for every “It’s an honor just to be nominated” uttered; a gulp for every joke made about last year’s hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco; a cocktail for every song-and-dance montage performed by Billy Crystal; a drink for every time the camera pans to George Clooney; two drinks for every liberal rant about politics; and an entire bottle of vodka if Woody Allen shows up.

Finally, you can surprise everyone by snagging a celebrity date. I hear Charlize Theron is available. 

A Few Brilliant Ideas on How to Improve the Oscars

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

The 84th Annual Academy Awards airs this Sunday at 7:00 p.m. on ABC. I’ve been an avid watcher for decades, however I’m always yawning by the time the meaty awards roll around.

Below, I’ve proposed some ideas on how to improve the Oscars. I’ll let you know when I hear back from the show’s producers.

• Have Glee’s Sue Sylvester host. She’s lean and mean with a side of snarky. Plus her ubiquitous tracksuit can help bring down the dress code standard. Award winner going too long on a speech? Sue gives them a slushie facial.
  
• Delete any award categories involving shorts or editing. Boooring.
• Wait until an actor dies to present him or her with the Lifetime Achievement Award. Then do it at their funeral.
• Fill the Kodak Theatre with seat warmers (homeless people will do) and have all the actual nominees tune in via oovoo. This provides a number of benefits: (1) producers can easily cut off any ramblers; (2) nominees don’t have to dress up; and (3) viewers get a delicious peek inside celebrity homes. The possibility of discovering that Meryl Streep is a slob or that George Clooney’s lawn is decorated with gnomes and pink flamingos will surely pique viewer interest.
• Have the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants really make an entrance. Like strutting out naked or leading a dog sled. Just don’t make them look like accountants, for God’s sake.
• Reduce the three-hour extravaganza to a five-minute YouTube video. You can squeeze lots of humor into five minutes, as evidenced by Kevin Kline and Mike Myers in this video on Oscar Etiquette.
• Don't show scenes from all the Best Picture nominees (nine this year). If I wanted to see film previews, I’d go to the movies. I’d rather spend my Oscar time counting Billy Crystal’s jokes or Angelina Jolie’s tattoos.
• Let the booze flow. Stop trying to present the Oscars as something much classier than the Golden Globes. It is still Hollywood. And watching Ricky Gervais slug beer while hosting the Globes is much more viewer-friendly than watching Oscar nominees perch rigidly in their seats. I don’t want to hear about the after-party drunkenness the next day; I want to see it live.
• Mandate Twitter-sized speeches for award winners. Only 140 characters allowed. 40 for you, Ashton Kutcher.