So You Think You Want to Get Married...

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Spring is in the air, and with it comes love and … wedding fever. In the United States, 2.3 million couples marry every year — that’s nearly 6,200 weddings every day in this multi-billion dollar industry! And nearly one-third of those have been married before.

If you’re like me, you get so caught up in planning the wedding day, you don’t think much about what comes after: the unexplained late nights, the toenail clippings in the sink, the endless nagging about sticking to a budget. Hopefully, you’re not like me—but I know many of you are.

We grow up playacting our wedding day with Barbie and Ken. By the time we actually get engaged, we are well versed in everything wedding, from decorating ideas to bridal bargains to proper etiquette on criticizing your mother-in-law. But what do we actually know about marriage?

The dictionary defines marriage as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, bribery or desperation, solidified by a prenuptial agreement (or something similar involving partners of the same gender).”

"Adam and Eve" painting
by Lucas Cranach the Elder

Marriage actually has a long and complex history dating back to when Adam married Eve in a simple garden ceremony. The bride wore a strapless fig leaf gown by Versace and the couple selected a lovely apple china pattern — which was quickly smashed by Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Their union begat Cain and Abel and a long line of incestuous relationships until Ancient Hebrews decreed a law forbidding marriages of “any one near of kin.” Catholics and Protestants quickly latched onto this concept, each creating specific lists of who might be regarded as kin. For example, if you married and divorced one of the Baldwin brothers, you could not then marry any of the other Baldwins.

In Ancient Greece, where Pandora and Zorba are recognized as the first bride and groom, a man could marry a girl by winning her in a competition or stealing her away from her rightful owner. (Now this has “reality show” written all over it!) Arranged marriages are more of an Eastern concept. Known as omiai in Japan, suitable couples are matched by a go-between, or nakodo, who may also act as the marriage counselor once the husband realizes he has married a woman who cannot make good sushi.

Image from Baloo's Cartoon Blog

Most ancient societies married for economic reasons or to increase social status. But even then, they maintained modern symbols of marriage. The engagement ring, for instance, dates back to the caveman. The first engagement ring was a woven cord of grasses, which the man used to tie the hands and feet of his mate so that she could not run away. Another cord was placed over her mouth during football season. Once he began to trust that she would not leave him, he removed the cord from her feet and, finally, her hands until just a symbolic cord remained wrapped around her finger. Psychologists note that this use of bondage may be the cause for centuries of women equating sex with love. At the very least, it emerged as a popular market for the porn industry.

Mail order brides are another way to go. It is still a booming business in areas like Russia and southeast Asia, and remains a viable option for those singletons who strike out in more traditional dating venues. Just go to Loveme.com (who boasts 53 engagements this year!) to sign up for a Romance Tour where you may find your potential bride who, I am certain, does not resemble any of the half-naked models on their website.

If you’ve done your research and you still want to get married, then you probably haven’t been very thorough. Or else you’re engaged to Prince Harry. But then who am I to give advice? I sit here typing, my skin chafing from the woven grass ring around my finger.
  

Another Baseball Season Begins (Plus a Few Words With a Rookie)

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Writer

“In the beginning, there was no baseball. But ever since, there have been few beginnings as good as the start of a new baseball season. It is the most splendid time in sport.” — B.J. Phillips

There’s a lot to be said about a new baseball season, and this quote brings several things to mind, not the least of which is who on earth is B.J. Phillips?

However, the man does make a good point, namely that there is nothing finer than watching a sport where you can conceivably accomplish several household tasks at the same time and not miss a damn thing. A sport where one doesn’t have to be young or thin or of African descent to play well; he only has to be learned in the art of spitting and not averse to grabbing his crotch on national television.

We have such a player with us today, Jorge Mojoriverez, who is starting his first season with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

GRUNTY: Jorge, I have to admit I didn’t even realize Pittsburgh still had a baseball team.

JORGE: I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Really? Because my notes tell me the Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons – the longest in North American sports history.

JORGE: I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Well, I admire your obliviousness. Now tell me, how far can you spit?

JORGE: Almost three feet. I’m just happy to be here—hope I can help the ball club.

GRUNTY: Impressive. Tell me, Jorge, do they feed you well at the ballpark?

JORGE: Good food, yes. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Because I have a gripe about ballpark food. The prices keep getting higher and the beers keep getting lighter. At my last game, the nachos were shaped like Derek Jeter’s head but they tasted like crap. Seems like fancy schmancy marketing ploys are replacing quality food. Can you talk to someone about that for me?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Excellent. Now I must admit I’m unsure what players are on the Pirates roster this year – or the last decade, for that matter. Is it safe to say they’ve got one really decent pitcher, a few power hitters and five guys from Venezuela?

JORGE: Venezuela! My country. I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Listen, Jorge, I think we’re getting off track here. When a new baseball season starts, I like to watch all the classic baseball movies: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Major League… It’s kind of a ritual for me. Do you have any early season rituals?

Click here for video of HSM2: "I Don't Dance"

JORGE: In Venezuela, we have the Dancing Devils ritual. In America, we dance during practice. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Can you show us some moves?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Oh, nevermind. Just, play ball.

Trending Now: Celebrities Running for Office

by Mo Tickleson, Features

Roseanne Barr, 2012 Green Party Candidate

Who knew in February, when TV’s Roseanne announced her candidacy for the Presidential race that it would spark a celebrity stampede for political office? While Roseanne Barr officially has her name on the Green Party ballot for June, a few Hollywood hopefuls have just recently tossed their hats into the ring.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be seeking loopholes for a way to run for President even though he was not born in the United States.

Friends of the Terminator remain optimistic. “After all,” said one. “Arnold did hold Republican support as California governor for 8 years even though he’s pro-choice, pro-gay rights and pro-gun control. So, really, anything’s possible.”

Former NFL player and coach, Mike Ditka

Former NFL player, coach and ultra-conservative Mike Ditka—who almost ran against Obama in 2004 for an open seat in the U.S. Senate for Illinois—announced his plan to oppose frontrunner, Mitt Romney, in the Republican nomination.

Ditka punched his fist into the air and said, “Someone has to wipe that smirk off Romney’s face. Might as well be someone with THREE Super Bowl rings.” According to Ditka’s press secretary, fellow Republican Meatloaf has already been slated to sing at the presidential inauguration.

Actor and political activist Charlton Heston sent a message from the otherworld (through Shirley MacLaine) that he’s tempted to come back to join the 2012 race.

Shirley said Heston posed these questions: “Is it possible, like the Oscars, to be nominated for U.S. President posthumously?” “What kind of name is Mitt?” and “Who in their right mind wouldn’t vote for Moses?”

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari of "Bosom Buddies"

On the Democratic side, fan favorite Tom Hanks announced his bid for the party’s nomination.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Obama, but I want to be sure a Democrat stays in the White House,” said Hanks. “And I believe the current political climate is calling for a Bosom Buddy.”

Hanks said he already has plans to appoint Steven Spielberg as Cabinet Director. The actor’s potential vice presidential running mates are Steven King, Larry David and Oprah.

Peter Scolari declined to comment.

Political analyst Thomas Q. Walsh had this to say: “Being famous does not guarantee political victory.” [examples: John Glenn, Oliver North and Bill Bradley] “A celebrity needs three things for a chance of winning: excellent communication skills, political shrewdness and the ability to stay out of the tabloids.” Thankfully, this rules out the Kardashians.

Walsh added, “The best celebrity candidates are those who can relate to the average American.”

When pressed for an opinion on the current crop of Hollywood candidates, Walsh said, “Sports are huge in middle America. So is pent-up rage. I think Ditka has the best shot.”

See ya, Obama. Make way for Da Prez.

CELEBRITIES CELEBRATE EASTER! by Helen Back, Hollywood Correspondent