Celebrating Columbus Day -- the 1492 Poem with a Twist

In fourteen hundred ninety-two

Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

The sea-faring Italian had high expectations

Of soliciting funds from several nations

For a shortcut voyage to the East—

Needless to say, few were pleased.

“A westward route to the Indies? Imagine that!

You might as well say the world ain’t flat!”

Things weren’t going as well as he’d planned

Until Chris hit paydirt with Isabella and Ferdinand.

They loaned him three ships; the crew left from Spain

They sailed through sunshine, wind and rain.

They drank by night; they sailed by day

They used the stars to find their way.

They suffered through scurvy and storms and bouts of diarrhea

Those ninety sailors on board the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

Day after day they looked for land

They dreamed of trees and rocks and sand.

On October 12th their dream came true

You never saw a happier crew!

“Indians! Indians!” Columbus cried

His heart swelled with a white man’s pride.

He dashed to the shore, still in his pajamas

Only to discover he was in the Bahamas.

Several more trips took him to the Caribbean and Cuba,

Hispaniola, St. Bart’s and, possibly, Aruba.

Those Indies he never did reach, to his great consternation

Instead Chris found America’s vacation destinations.

The natives proved friendly, offering food, shelter and water

the Italian introduced them to bocci ball and The Godfather.

Amity was short-lived, if the truth be told

Greed took over as the explorers hungered for gold.

Civilized gentlemen they were not; but rather, tremendously depraved

As the natives were pillaged and raped and ultimately enslaved.

“This New World is ours! By our rules you shall abide!

And our high-minded ideals of capitalism and genocide.”

The discoverer of America? No, not quite

But today we honor him as a hero—that’s right,

Because Columbus was powerful, and he was white.

Read the original 1492 poem taught in American classrooms here.

Grunty McBunty's 2012 Fall TV Preview Guide

By Grunty McBunty, Sports

It might shock some of you that I watch more than just sports. I do. Come fall, I’m all about planting my butt on the couch to witness a new season of drama, laughs and pure crap. Here’s what I’ve got highlighted for my weekly fall lineup in 2012.

SUNDAY
Okay, it does start with Sunday Night Football on NBC. Even God set aside Sunday as the day of rest and refs. You gotta love Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth as commentators. And, I haven’t heard myself say this in a long time, but... how ‘bout those 49ers?

The crazy cast of FOX's comedy, Bob's Burgers

When the game gets boring, I will turn to FOX for the ninety-sixth season of The Simpsons, Family Guy and Bob’s Burgers — an underrated comedy where the daily food special sometimes steals the scene (e.g.: the “What’s the Worcestershire That Could Happen” burger and the “Roquefort Files” burger). This show has made me enforce a Sunday-night-is-burger-night rule in our house, as I can’t possibly watch it without craving one.

My wife will be watching the 4^th season of The Good Wife, which supposedly is going to get a little racy by revealing the 50 Shades aspect of that sexy Indian character’s relationship with her estranged husband. Yo, Bob, how about a “50 Shades of Grape” burger?

MONDAY
I actually enjoy watching The Voice and not just for the constant view of Christina Aguilera’s bulging breasts. There’s actually some pretty good singing—minus an annoying host like that other show has. I’m also a big fan of country music star Blake Shelton. Sometimes the show is worth watching just to hear his booming laugh and his snarky jabs at the other coaches.

My wife is a faithful viewer of Dancing With The Stars. Don’t get me started on that show.

TUESDAY
Although not as attractive as that chick on The Good Wife, Mindy Kaling might be funny in her new comedy. At least the previews made me laugh. (They also made my teenage son try riding his bike into our pool, which was much less funny.) 

Ben and Kate: Dumb; won’t last three weeks. The New Normal: Saw the best bits in the previews; won’t last. Go On: Now this has potential. Matthew Perry is funny and you can get a lot of mileage from jokes about group therapy. You know that phrase about what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Well, there's not much happening, and Dennis Quaid should have stayed in Texas.

Hot chicks sing country in Nashville

WEDNESDAY
Given my fondness for country music and pretty girls (Hayden Panettiere), the new show Nashville has my attention. Labeled a “musical drama,” the show is really about two blonde singers sparring for the country spotlight. Excellent programming choice for hump day. 

Earlier in the evening, I’ll tune into Arrow, the CW’s take on the superhero, Green Arrow. It appeals to my own inner superhero who actually looks a lot like the show’s star, Stephen Amell.

THURSDAY
Thursday is another football night for me, but I do plan to watch the final season of The Office to say goodbye to my friends. I’ve just got to know who’s been shooting this Dunder Mifflin documentary for nine years. 

My wife is excited about CBS’ Elementary mostly because it’s showcasing the first female Watson. That’s just plain screwy to me. Holmes and Watson are men, hard drinking men. Now we’ve got Lucy Liu as his teetotaling companion and, supposedly, there will be no romance between them. Uh-huh. Only until the show runs out of ideas.

FRIDAY
Although I don’t usually care for law shows, I’m going to check out Made in Jersey cuz I’m from Jersey… and Janet Montgomery is kind of hot. My wife wants to watch it too—I’m not sure why—but hey, there’s not much else on on Fridays and I figure I might as well spend one night with her.

AUTHOR NOTE: Have you noticed that my writing is less funny as the week goes on? And that the shows are less interesting? Why is that? Does everybody somehow get a life after Wednesday?

SNL, season 38

SATURDAY
Saturday is my poker night, so I’m not usually in front of the TV. I’m usually in the hole a couple hundred bucks and under the table by my fifth whiskey. But I always make sure to crawl home in time for Saturday Night Live, which starts it’s 38^th season with guest hosts Seth MacFarlane, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Craig. Awesome.

Woman Mortified by Flash Mob Gone Awry

By Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

It was a typical dreary New Jersey morning when Erin Hawthorne went to her cubicle job at XYZ Corporation. What she does at XYZ Corporation isn’t important—and nobody really knows anyway. What matters is that at approximately 11:14 a.m., a young man from IT walked by Erin’s cubicle and began to dance.

Strains of Lady Gaga filtered through the office as Erin received glares and hoots from coworkers who thought her responsible for the interruption.

Around the second verse, the dancing young man from IT was joined by the Human Resources staff, the Marketing Department and even Mildred, the 92-year-old secretary with a hip implant, in a rather nauseating version of “Born This Way.” (The Accounting Department would like the record to state that they were noticeably absent.) The XYZ Corporation employees shimmied, shook and sashayed themselves silly for four minutes as Erin turned a unique shade of purple and tried to hide under her desk.

While it appeared spontaneous, the flash mob was actually organized by balding middle manager, Lenny, who had the group practicing for weeks during illicit coffee breaks and rogue staff meetings. Lenny hit upon the flash mob idea to show support of Erin who had come out to her colleagues as a staunch Republican lesbian at a summer office party where the drinks flowed freely.

The problem? Erin had not yet informed her liberal Christian parents or her husband of 15 years that she was gay.

The problem blew up into a crisis when the “Born This Way” flash mob went viral on YouTube thanks to the awesome videography and SEO expertise of another young man from IT named Bill.

As we went to press, Erin’s parents were not speaking to her and her husband was last seen wandering the streets of their New Jersey neighborhood muttering, “Republican!”

On the bright side, former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary Cheney, reportedly tweeted to Erin: “Call me! Maybe.”

Check out a less embarrassing "Born This Way" flash mob that took place in a British Columbia mall during 2011 Gay Pride celebrations.

National Fight Procrastination Day and Other Weird Holidays

by Mo Tickleson, Staff Writer

People around the country are poised to celebrate national Fight Procrastination Day tomorrow, September 6. It’s the day to do those things you keep putting off. Slobs and pack rats might use the day to organize their homes, offices and lives.  Spendaholics might devote the day to organizing their finances. Procrastinators might just wait until next year to celebrate it.

We the staff at NewsWARP are honoring national Fight Procrastination Day by writing about it today. And we’d like to offer you a slew of other strange and infrequently observed upcoming holidays to mark in the final months of 2012.

Photo by Benson Kua

• September 11: No News is Good News Day. We have nothing to report on this.
• September 16: Stay Away from Seattle Day. Started around 2008, this holiday was intended to give Seattle, often voted as one of “America’s Best Places to Live,” a break from the influx of people seeking rainy weather and excellent Asian food.
• September 28: Ask a Stupid Question Day. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when asking for the bathroom?
• October 2: Name Your Car Day. More people do this than you might realize. Just asking around the office here, staff admitted to a variety of names for their cars including: Tom Cruiser, The Blue Hamper, Zippy, Captain Rusty George and Yolanda.
• October 9: Moldy Cheese Day. Yum.

• October 14: Be Bald and Free Day. These days a bald head doesn’t have the social stigma that it used to (at least on men), but here’s a day to flaunt it anyway.
• October 25: Punk for a Day Day. No one knows the origin of this oddity, but here are some tips on the types of punk you might choose to be for a day.
• November 1: Plan Your Epitaph Day. What are the words you want to be remembered by? Spend an entire day brainstorming your gravestone text. And don’t forget to tell it to someone who is likely to outlive you.
• November 21: False Confessions Day. Whip up a frenzy of office gossip by confessing such things as “I kiss my dog on the lips.” or “I used to be a man.” or “I have a secret phobia of the letter B.” Kind of like an episode of Jerry Springer.



Actress Sofia Vergara

• November 22: Start Your Own Country Day. I like this idea, originally conceived for the 1939 World’s Fair. My country will be called Mo’s World and to be allowed entry, you have to provide me with one of the following: season tickets, steaks, an Oldsmobile F-88 or Sofia Vergara’s phone number.
• December 18: Roast a Suckling Pig Day. You have to prepare ahead for this one as it takes two full days to completely prepare and roast the baby pig. This iconic, cultural dish is often the centerpiece for a massive meal.
• December 21: Look at the Bright Side Day. Three days later, as you are still burping up pig remnants, is when you can say, “Well, now I understand why some people turn vegetarian.”
• December 26: Whiners’ Day. Officially recognized in 1986, the day after Christmas has become a day to whine about what you didn’t get. Some folks celebrate it with a “Whine and Geeze” party. Others get nominated for being the most famous whiner of the year. Past winners have included Lindsay Lohan, Kanye West, Mike Tyson and Martha Stewart.

View the full calendar of National Days.

Are You Ready for Your Kids To Go Off to College? (A Back-to-School Quiz for Parents)

It’s that time of year when kids return to school, and, if you are the parent of a college-aged child, you might be experiencing some major feelings of loss. Your baby is about to head out into the adult world! (Or, at least, what poses as the adult world for a little while.) Can you handle it? Are you prepared for anything?

Take the quiz below to see how well you can go with the flow.

A.     I plan to celebrate my child’s entry into college by:

a.     Taking him on a dorm shopping spree

b.     Driving him to school amid teary farewells

c.      Booking a cruise for my spouse and me – finally!

B.     I understand that the first year of college may result in:

a.     Homesick phone calls and requests for money

b.     Weight gain of about 15 pounds (for everyone involved)

c.      Pregnancy scares

C.     My plans for Junior’s bedroom:

a.     Clean every inch of it to my satisfaction

b.     Keep everything exactly as is for his frequent visits home

c.      Goodbye bedroom, hello yoga studio!

D.     Care packages to my child will include:

a.     Checks and expensive steaks

b.     Stuffed animals and gooey love notes

c.      A forwarding address

E.     My own college years were:

a.     A nightmare of exams and research papers

b.     A quest for Mr. Right

c.      A quest for Mr. Right Now

F.     When I find myself crying over my child’s absence, I will:

a.     Distract myself with some other activity

b.     Journal about my fears and insecurities

c.      Surprise him with a visit and a six-pack of beer

G.     My decorating scheme for my child’s dorm is:

a.     Zen minimalism: desk, chair, books—no distractions from studying

b.     Pink virginal fabrics and a huge photo of her father, the policeman

c.      Just like mine was—lava lamps, beaded curtains and a box of condoms

H.     What I most want my child to get out of college is:

a.     An employable double major and a 4.0 GPA

b.     A bigger appreciation for me

c.      A groovy experience

I.      What I least want my child to get out of college is:

a.     An expectation of me to pay for grad school

b.     Stress from academic and peer pressure

c.      A case of herpes

J.      My biggest fear is that these college years will:

a.     Be a complete waste of money

b.     Intoxicate my child with alcohol, drugs and sex

c.      Be so fun for me that I’ll never want my child to come back

K.     The best advice I can offer my child is:

a.     Stay away from liberal arts majors

b.     Never trust a professor who hangs out at college bars

c.      Some of the world’s most successful people are college dropouts

If you answered mostly As, your child is likely the self-absorbed kind who will live at home, unemployed, until his thirties. If you are mostly Bs, you’re just asking for rebellion and early grandparenthood. If you are mostly Cs, it sounds like you should probably go back to college yourself.

Buy the poster.

2012 Election Coverage: National Conventions for Dummies

by Justin Hale, Washington correspondent

Hello, Justin Hale here, reporting to you with up-to-the-minute details on the upcoming Democratic and Republican National conventions. As I am a registered Libertarian, you can trust my point of view to be unbiased.

Let’s start with the basics. 

Why do we have national conventions?
Held every four years, these high-priced events give politicians a reason to party, collect money and strut before the media. Sometimes they even nominate presidential candidates. 

GOParty!

The two conventions are nothing alike. The Democratic Party (“party of the common man”) consists of rich white men rallying for an economically and socially diverse America, while the Republican Party (“Grand Old Party”) consists of rich white men rallying for other rich white men. In this case, the rich white man looks to be that fellow from Massachusetts as the official Republican National Convention website declares: “Learn about Mitt Romney: Presumed Republican Nominee.” Rick who?

The other purpose of the national conventions is for each party to announce its policy platform, otherwise known as “the things they’ll claim to do if elected.” Expect these platforms to be exaggerated and overused during the rest of the campaign and please note that they are not at all binding.

Can I attend the conventions?
Certainly.  The Democratic National Convention will be held in Charlotte (a city of “southern charm and modern sophistication” located in one of the Carolinas) from September 3-6. You could win a free trip to Charlotte just by donating $5. If you go, check out CarolinaFest on Day 1. It’s a free, family-friendly event being touted as the most accessible in convention history. So be sure to leave your wallet at home and avoid sniper-friendly spaces.

The GOP holds their convention next week (August 27-30) in Tampa, as Florida has always been good to Republicans. More than 70,000 delegates, party officials, journalists and protesters are expected to hit Tampa as is Tropical Storm Isaac, which should be up to hurricane force by then.

What’s new this year?
2004 was the first convention to include a press corps of bloggers. (The first time I heard the word 'blogger' I envisioned little frogs being squashed by cars as they leaped across the highway.) Blogs allowed the public to post comments, questions and sarcastic remarks online. Which meant that people like Roy from Fish Haven, Idaho, could join in the political festivities. He didn’t even have to know how to spell “political;” he only needed Internet access.

Cool Infographics!

Eight years later, social media has exploded into many avenues, yet it’s basically the same. Now Roy from Fish Haven, Idaho, can follow you on Twitter, friend you on Facebook and stalk you at access-friendly CarolinaFest. Ah, technology.

If you’re a news junkie, you can follow all the convention details from your phone or pad since both parties have created mobile apps. The Republicans named theirs the “Convention Without Walls,” which appears quite fitting with Hurricane Isaac on its way. 

In another nod toward being accessible, the Democratic National Convention Committee is allowing people to register for a Tweetup (an in-person meetup of social media gurus) and—wait for it… to sign up for a podium tour! The fun never ends in Charlotte.

Can you tell me what each party stands for?
Not really, and neither can they. However, let’s look at the candidates’ websites.  

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan (www.mittromney.com) are posing as America’s Comeback Team. “Comeback from what?” is the question posed by bloggers at Stuff Black People Don’t Like. (Yes, it’s an actual website.) 

The good news is that Mitt Romney’s Plan for a Stronger Middle Class will provide more jobs and more take-home pay! Here’s how: 

1. Give every family access to good schools and quality teachers!! (how?)
2. Open new markets for American goods and services!! (where?)
3. Build a tar sands pipeline that will destroy wildlife habitat in six U.S states and threaten us with oil leaks and polluted water! Yay!!

Support Romney with this shirt.

Show your support for Romney now by ordering the “Built It” T-shirt.

On their website (www.barackobama.com), Barack Obama and Joe Biden call themselves the Truth Team. The President tells the financial truth up front (“Romney makes more money than I do”) by asking you to "close the gap" with a donation. Then you can learn the facts about Rombama and get the whole truth straight from the mouth of former president Bill Clinton. 

President Obama’s site includes a section of fun infographics (depicting everything from foreign countries that benefit from Romney’s Tax Plan to how Obama is helping kids go to college) and a program called the Romney Tax Calculator that tells you how much you’ll pay (or get back) in taxes depending on who becomes President. 

Enjoy a steaming mug of Joe Biden!

About the only section of Obama’s website that didn’t talk about Romney was the Store, which showcased a wide range of pretty cool merchandise including an “I Meow for Michelle” cat collar and a “Cup of Joe” Biden mug.

As you can plainly see, the national conventions are a media circus of confused politicians.

Perhaps author Norman Mailer said it best when in 1976 he described the national conventions as: "a fiesta, a carnival, a pig-rooting, horse-snorting, band-playing, voice screaming medieval get together of greed, practical lust, compromised idealism, career- advancement, meeting, feud, vendetta, conciliation of rabble-rousers, fist fights, embraces, drunks and collective rivers of animal sweat."

And from this, America gets its leader.

The Health Corner with Dr. Bill Loney: FUN WITH PHOBIAS

Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in primitive cultures all over the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years. In this column, he focuses on common questions received about phobias.

Dr. Bill Loney,

My wife has social phobia. I am embarrassed to explain this to others when we can’t attend a party or have to suddenly leave the supermarket. Am I alone in this? Are there other such weirdos out there?

Thanks,

Buddy

Dear Buddy,

More weird phobias

You and your wife are not alone! About 15 million Americans suffer from some form of social phobia from public speaking to eating in front of others to anxiety when walking on a crowded street. There’s nothing weird about it. You want weird? Check out these phobias:

• Cacophobia – Fear of ugliness. This is especially rampant in Hollywood and college sororities.
• Epistemophobia – Fear of knowledge. Could explain the high rate of stupid people in America.
• Vestiophobia – Fear of clothing. This phobia particularly affects saggy, European middle-aged men.
• Nephophobia - Fear of clouds. Frankly, I can’t believe that enough people suffer from this that they had to create a name for it. If you’re really bored, view this mini documentary of a man with nephophobia.

---

Dr. Bill Loney,

I am deathly scared of spiders. Can you tell me what creatures inspire the most fright?

Signed,

Arachnophobic

Dear Arachnophobic,

The top fright-inspiring creatures (in no particular order) are: spiders, snakes, dogs, rats and Gonzo.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Do famous people ever get scared?

Joe Normal

Dear Joe,

Certainly they do. And because they are in the spotlight, celebrity fears are often magnified. George Washington, for instance, had taphephobia or the fear of being buried alive. He even specified that his body be left alone for several days after his death in case he wasn’t quite dead.

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia

Woody Allen suffers from panophobia (fear of everything) including heights, bright colors, animals, award ceremonies, elevators and peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Alfred Hitchcock had an intense fear of eggs (ovophobia). Oprah Winfrey fears gum chewing, and even banned it from her television studio.

One of the strangest phobias might be Billy Bob Thornton’s fear of antique furniture (anything made before the 1950s). You won’t catch him filming a period piece.

---

Dear Bill Loney,

Is it crazy that I fear going to doctors more than death?

Signed,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You are simply human. On most lists of People’s Top Fears, death usually ranks about 5^th or sometimes not at all. 

What beats out death? Fear of:

Roy Sullivan hit by lightning 7 times

• Public speaking
• Flying
• Heights
• Darkness
• Thunder and lightning
• Failure
• Dentists
• Commitment 

Yet, these things do not really address the core fear. What are people actually afraid of in each category?

• Making an ass out of themselves
• Crashing (hence, death, or severe mangling)
• Falling (again, death, or severe mangling)
• Being attacked by monsters
• Being struck by lightning (death, or severe frying)
• Making an ass out of themselves
• Pain
• Being trapped and suffocated (again, death)