...unless your grandfather was slightly cracked. Here at NewsWARP, we report the news the way we like to hear it. You want hard facts or reality? Turn on the television. Tune in to us for a pump of endorphins and much-needed humor. Our staff writers are hell bent on having a good time while they tell twisted tales and make shit up. We hope you have a good time reading it. ~ The Editors



May 29, 2012

BOOKS: Harry Potter and the Absolutely Absurd Letter


by Mo Tickleson, Features

With summer comes a longing for the next Harry Potter book. I spent many a July afternoon with a mojito in one hand and J.K. Rowling’s latest, much-awaited tome in the other. Needless to say, I’ve been in withdrawal since publication of the final book last year.

And then one day I came into work with a mojito in both hands to find that a colleague had stumbled upon some unpublished pages from the Harry Potter series. Joy of joys! This brief excerpt (apparently cut from the final book) introduces a new character and captures an alternate ending to the Harry Potter saga. I now share with you these never-before-read scenes. You can get your own mojito.

Alan Rickman as Professor Snape
“That’s 10 points from Gryffindor for goofing off in class, Potter,” snarled Professor Snape. He loomed over Harry’s desk with an indiscernible glint in his black eyes. “And five more points because I’m sick of looking at that scar on your face.” The Potions Professor jabbed his wand at Harry’s forehead. 
Harry felt the anger rising up through his body, flooding his chest, filling his ears. He was tired of all the taunts and jibes. He desperately wanted to let Snape know what he really thought of him and just what he could do with that wand. 
“Harry, don’t!” Hermione hissed from behind him.  
Snape seemed smug, waiting expectantly for Harry to explode just so he could pounce on him with a week’s worth of detention. But Harry’s anger wouldn’t quit. He had visions of his hands wrapped around Snape’s skinny neck causing his eyes to bulge with fear. Of putting the dreaded Cruciatus Curse on his teacher and watching him writhe on the floor in pain. All the Gryffindors were cheering him on... 
But then a deep, calming voice interrupted his thoughts: “Harry, count to ten. Breathe, Harry. Find your happy place.”  
It was the voice of Albirius Snookerdoone, Harry’s therapist. 
Harry had been seeing Dr. Snookerdoone almost since he entered Hogwarts in order to deal with the overwhelming feelings that stemmed from the sudden discovery of his wizardry as well as the truth about his parents’ death.  
He must learn to manage his anger, Dr. Snookerdoone told him. Anger was just energy; it could be transformed into something more pleasant rather like that time in Transfiguration class when Harry had changed Professor McGonagall’s pet cockroach into a giant fudge sundae. 
Harry let out a deep breath and met Snape’s stare. “I imagine it is very frustrating for you to have to deal with me and my problems. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused the class, Sir.” 
Snape’s mouth dropped open and he stood there for several minutes completely at a loss for words or punishment. It seemed to Harry that his professor nearly skulked back to the front of the classroom. 
“Yes, well, let’s continue with, um, my grandmother’s cure for tea kettles that won’t stop whimpering — I mean, whistling...” 
Several kids snickered, including some Slytherins, and Harry felt loads better when he related the incident to Albirius Snookerdoone in his session that afternoon. 
“Ah, very good Harry. You are making tremendous progress with anger management and Rosenberg’s methods of non-violent communication. You broke the power struggle between you and Snape and brought it back to a level of basic communication and empathy. Excellent!”  
Dr. Snookerdoone beamed at his client through thick, black-framed glasses, which gave his eyes an oversized, googly appearance that never ceased to amuse Harry. “Let us continue with last week’s analysis of your relationship with your uncle.” 
“Uncle Vernon?” 
“Yes. Now you spoke of his rage, his control tactics, his cruel treatment of you — these are all outer defenses. What do you think Uncle Vernon needs underneath?” 
Harry stared blankly at his therapist. He never thought of his uncle as needing anything besides a swift kick in the rear end, but he wanted to impress Dr. Snookerdoone with a better response. “Um, he has a need to squelch my happiness?” 
“Hmmm...” Dr. Snookerdoone leaned back in his chair and pressed the tips of his fingers together beneath his nose. “What would you say if I told you Uncle Vernon has a need for security and safety, and that your wizardry and connections to all that is Unknown severely threatens that?” 
The Gryffindor Quidditch team without Harry
“Umm, okay.” Harry was distracted by the whizzing brooms he now noticed in the distance, which meant another Quidditch game was being played without him.  
He had not meant to abandon the sport but had missed so many practices because of hours spent journaling and reading Dr. Snookerdoone’s book selections (Therapy: Not Just for Muggles Anymore and Beyond Dysfunctionalism: How to Deal With Life When the Dark Lord Has Killed Your Family and Remains in Pursuit of You) that Harry had been kicked off the team. He was only slightly mollified by Dr. Snookerdoone’s theory that his role as Seeker was just a metaphor for his life and that he would find the Snitch a pale substitute for the deeper meaning he truly sought. 
Their session was interrupted by a knock on the door and Professor Dumbledore swiftly entered, nodding his pointy hat in the direction of Harry’s therapist.  
“Albirius.” 
“Albus.” 
“Forgive me for the intrusion, but I must speak with young Potter.” 
Dr. Snookerdoone grunted and left the room with some reluctance. He did not like to defer to anyone let alone a man who dressed in moon-covered silk pajamas and held an odd fascination with birds.  
“Harry, you must open this immediately,” declared Dumbledore, handing over a roll of sealed parchment. “I believe Voldemort has finally responded to your letters.” 
Harry gasped as he accepted the proffered parchment. At Dr. Snookerdoone’s direction, he had been attempting to appeal to the Dark Lord’s deep need for compassion and understanding, but every month his letter had gone unanswered ... until now. 
He glanced hesitantly at Dumbledore who urged him onward with a smile. Harry unrolled the parchment. 
“It’s blank,” he said looking up at the Headmaster in confusion. 
“Ah,” Professor Dumbledore pulled out his wand. “Sorry about that. I bewitched the letter with an Invisibility Charm in case it fell into the wrong hands. Voilarmus!” He tapped the parchment lightly and dark cramped handwriting filled the page. 
Harry Potter, 
For seventeen years you have haunted my dreams with your self-righteousness, your undeserving powers and that stupid cowlick. I murdered your parents and I swore I’d kill you too. This obsession brought me back from the brink of death and was the only thing that kept me going. It blackened my heart and consumed my every moment.  
Ralph Fiennes as Lord Voldemort
That is, until I began receiving your letters last winter. Words like yours have never before been known to me. I believe they offer kindness and compassion. Nobody has ever tried to understand me. They all labeled me as incorrigibly evil and what else could I do but live up to those standards?  
Harry, you have shown me another way. Even though I made your life a living hell, you did not give up on me! You’ve shown me that grieving of my past and my unmet needs is not only necessary, it is possible.  
I have recently begun seeing a highly recommended psychotherapist who has prescribed lithium for my intense mood swings. It does help, although nobody knows what to do about my hideous, red-slitted eyes. One day at a time, however. 
I do hope you will continue to write me while I am in rehab at an undisclosed location. I am not yet ready to deal with the infuriated outcries of my Death Eaters who, it seems, could all use a bit of therapy themselves. 
Give my regards to Dumbledore and my apologies to Ms. Rowling. 
Yours,
Tom 
Harry tore his eyes from the page to meet the Headmaster’s triumphant gaze. “It’s Voldemort, and he wants to be ... friends.” 
“Well congratulations, Harry! You have conquered the Dark Lord, and you have done it with words, not violence. I imagine this calls for a celebration.” 
And with a swish of Dumbledore’s wand they were both transported to the Great Hall surrounded by friends and well wishers who had already heard the news. 
“Of course, I knew it would all turn out this way,” declared Professor Trelawney, Hogwarts’ Divination teacher, who had been predicting Harry’s death for years. 
“Blimey!” exclaimed Ron. “I never thought it’d actually work.” And then added with a thoughtful expression, “Do you think if I wrote some of those letters to Mum, she’d lay off me for once?” 
Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter
Harry felt a massive hand clamp down on his shoulder. “Alrigh’ there, Harry?” Hagrid stepped forward, a grin lighting up his face. “I don’ know as much about all this thwirpy bizness, but sounds like yeh dun us a good job.” 
“It’s ther-a-py, Hagrid, not ‘thwirpy’,” Professor Snape corrected coldly. He glared at the group. “And for all those who might be interested, I’ll be teaching a class on Marshall Rosenberg’s Theories of Non-Violent Communication next semester.” 
Harry stared in disbelief as the Potions professor turned to leave, but he was pretty sure he did not imagine it when Snape made eye contact with Harry and gave him a little wink.

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May 24, 2012

This Month's Horoscope: GEMINI

by Palacia, Astrologer to the Stars and Beyond!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Nobody has bigger problems than you this month, Gemini. The stars foresee lawsuits in your future, particularly those concerning the misappropriation of PTA funds. With Uranus in retrograde motion, it is not a good time to begin dieting. However, it is a fine time to start drinking. Effervescent prosecco is a good choice for Geminis.

Although Mars is rising in Neptune this month, do not be alarmed. No planets were actually harmed.

A lunar eclipse on June 4 gives you the chance to confront some longtime childhood fears that are, honestly, quite ridiculous. It won’t make you feel any better, but it gives you something to do while your partner is cheating on you. On a brighter note, a tragic hunting accident will claim the life of your employer. How you handle this will determine the next five years of your life. No pressure, though.

Not a Gemini? Good for you. Check the daily horoscope for all other signs here.

Famous Geminis: Johnny Depp, Joan Collins, Queen Victoria, Salman Rushdie, Nicole Kidman, Dean Martin, Boy George, Joe Montana, Alanis Morissette, Maurice Sendak, Marilyn Monroe, Palacia


May 17, 2012

THE HEALTH CORNER with Dr. Bill Loney

Dr. Bill Loney is not a licensed medical doctor. He has studied in various cultures around the world and dispenses advice and remedies from the information he has gathered over many years.


Dr. Bill Loney,

I’ve had freckles since I was a kid and I’m sick of them. I’ve tried all sorts of fancy creams and lotions claiming to remove spots, but nothing works. Is there any way to finally get rid of my facial freckles?

Thanks,
Spotty


Dear Spotty,

Absolutely! And it doesn’t cost a dime. While the Irish prefer to anoint a freckled face with the blood of a bull, I like the old Victorian remedy.


To get rid of freckles, get up at five-thirty on Sunday morning and go outside. (May is the preferable month so wait until then if you want to be sure this works.) If there is a lot of dew, get your hands real wet in the grass. Rub the dew on your face and turn around nine times, saying, "Dew, dew, do, do, take my freckles; wear ‘em on you; dew, dew, thank you.” You must say this nine times while turning around. Do not wash the dew off, and do not wash your face until the next day.



Dr. Bill Loney,

My mother’s arthritis is pretty bad and she doesn’t like to take medications. Any other ideas?

Gratefully yours,
Tired of Momma’s Achy Bones


Dear Achy Bones,

Does she mind grape juice? My Amish ancestors swear by this remedy: Dissolve 3/4 teaspoon powder pectin (or 1-tablespoon liquid pectin) in a glass of purple grape juice. Drink once a day.

Alternatively, you can take a dead cat into the woods to a hollow stump that has spunk in it. Twirl the cat overhead and then toss the cat to the south. Walk away north, but do not look back!

If you need a dead cat, call my office and my secretary will FedEx you one.



Dr. Bill Loney,

I’m a good-looking, fifty-something male having some issues down below. What Viagra-like natural remedies do you suggest for impotence?

Signed, 

Feeling Deflated


A frog juice vendor in Lima, Peru. Photo: Martin Mejia/AP
Dear Deflated,

I would suggest the Peruvian Viagra, also known as frog juice. This natural aphrodisiac is in very high demand in the markets of Lima right now. Here’s how it works: You go to the market stall and pick your frogs from a tank. The vendor takes them out and bangs them against the table to kill them. Then she blends them with hot white bean broth, some honey, raw aloe vera and a generous portion of maca (an Andean root — the essential ingredient).

You get a glass of delicious warm frog juice, and your partner gets a piping hot morning glory, if you know what I mean.



Dr. Bill Loney,

My friend stutters. I don’t want to offend her, but I find it really frustrating to hold a conversation. Can you offer any advice?

Thank you,
J.


Dear J.

This ancient method may seem a bit harsh, but it does the trick. The next time she stutters, hit your friend in the mouth with a chicken gizzard.


April 26, 2012

So You Think You Want to Get Married...

by Dima Duzzen, Contributing Writer

Spring is in the air, and with it comes love and … wedding fever. In the United States, 2.3 million couples marry every year — that’s nearly 6,200 weddings every day in this multi-billion dollar industry! And nearly one-third of those have been married before.

If you’re like me, you get so caught up in planning the wedding day, you don’t think much about what comes after: the unexplained late nights, the toenail clippings in the sink, the endless nagging about sticking to a budget. Hopefully, you’re not like me—but I know many of you are.

We grow up playacting our wedding day with Barbie and Ken. By the time we actually get engaged, we are well versed in everything wedding, from decorating ideas to bridal bargains to proper etiquette on criticizing your mother-in-law. But what do we actually know about marriage?

The dictionary defines marriage as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, bribery or desperation, solidified by a prenuptial agreement (or something similar involving partners of the same gender).”

"Adam and Eve" painting
by Lucas Cranach the Elder
Marriage actually has a long and complex history dating back to when Adam married Eve in a simple garden ceremony. The bride wore a strapless fig leaf gown by Versace and the couple selected a lovely apple china pattern — which was quickly smashed by Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Their union begat Cain and Abel and a long line of incestuous relationships until Ancient Hebrews decreed a law forbidding marriages of “any one near of kin.” Catholics and Protestants quickly latched onto this concept, each creating specific lists of who might be regarded as kin. For example, if you married and divorced one of the Baldwin brothers, you could not then marry any of the other Baldwins.

In Ancient Greece, where Pandora and Zorba are recognized as the first bride and groom, a man could marry a girl by winning her in a competition or stealing her away from her rightful owner. (Now this has “reality show” written all over it!) Arranged marriages are more of an Eastern concept. Known as omiai in Japan, suitable couples are matched by a go-between, or nakodo, who may also act as the marriage counselor once the husband realizes he has married a woman who cannot make good sushi.

Image from Baloo's Cartoon Blog
Most ancient societies married for economic reasons or to increase social status. But even then, they maintained modern symbols of marriage. The engagement ring, for instance, dates back to the caveman. The first engagement ring was a woven cord of grasses, which the man used to tie the hands and feet of his mate so that she could not run away. Another cord was placed over her mouth during football season. Once he began to trust that she would not leave him, he removed the cord from her feet and, finally, her hands until just a symbolic cord remained wrapped around her finger. Psychologists note that this use of bondage may be the cause for centuries of women equating sex with love. At the very least, it emerged as a popular market for the porn industry.

Mail order brides are another way to go. It is still a booming business in areas like Russia and southeast Asia, and remains a viable option for those singletons who strike out in more traditional dating venues. Just go to Loveme.com (who boasts 53 engagements this year!) to sign up for a Romance Tour where you may find your potential bride who, I am certain, does not resemble any of the half-naked models on their website.

If you’ve done your research and you still want to get married, then you probably haven’t been very thorough. Or else you’re engaged to Prince Harry. But then who am I to give advice? I sit here typing, my skin chafing from the woven grass ring around my finger.
  

April 20, 2012

Another Baseball Season Begins (Plus a Few Words With a Rookie)

by Grunty McBunty, Sports Writer
“In the beginning, there was no baseball. But ever since, there have been few beginnings as good as the start of a new baseball season. It is the most splendid time in sport.” — B.J. Phillips
There’s a lot to be said about a new baseball season, and this quote brings several things to mind, not the least of which is who on earth is B.J. Phillips?

However, the man does make a good point, namely that there is nothing finer than watching a sport where you can conceivably accomplish several household tasks at the same time and not miss a damn thing. A sport where one doesn’t have to be young or thin or of African descent to play well; he only has to be learned in the art of spitting and not averse to grabbing his crotch on national television.

We have such a player with us today, Jorge Mojoriverez, who is starting his first season with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

GRUNTY: Jorge, I have to admit I didn’t even realize Pittsburgh still had a baseball team.

JORGE: I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Really? Because my notes tell me the Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons – the longest in North American sports history.

JORGE: I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Well, I admire your obliviousness. Now tell me, how far can you spit?

JORGE: Almost three feet. I’m just happy to be here—hope I can help the ball club.

GRUNTY: Impressive. Tell me, Jorge, do they feed you well at the ballpark?

JORGE: Good food, yes. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Because I have a gripe about ballpark food. The prices keep getting higher and the beers keep getting lighter. At my last game, the nachos were shaped like Derek Jeter’s head but they tasted like crap. Seems like fancy schmancy marketing ploys are replacing quality food. Can you talk to someone about that for me?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Excellent. Now I must admit I’m unsure what players are on the Pirates roster this year – or the last decade, for that matter. Is it safe to say they’ve got one really decent pitcher, a few power hitters and five guys from Venezuela?

JORGE: Venezuela! My country. I believe this is our year.

GRUNTY: Listen, Jorge, I think we’re getting off track here. When a new baseball season starts, I like to watch all the classic baseball movies: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, Major League… It’s kind of a ritual for me. Do you have any early season rituals?

Click here for video of HSM2: "I Don't Dance"
JORGE: In Venezuela, we have the Dancing Devils ritual. In America, we dance during practice. I am proud to be a Pirate.

GRUNTY: Can you show us some moves?

JORGE: I give it my best shot and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.

GRUNTY: Oh, nevermind. Just, play ball.



April 9, 2012

Trending Now: Celebrities Running for Office

by Mo Tickleson, Features

Roseanne Barr, 2012 Green Party Candidate
Who knew in February, when TV’s Roseanne announced her candidacy for the Presidential race that it would spark a celebrity stampede for political office? While Roseanne Barr officially has her name on the Green Party ballot for June, a few Hollywood hopefuls have just recently tossed their hats into the ring.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be seeking loopholes for a way to run for President even though he was not born in the United States.

Friends of the Terminator remain optimistic. “After all,” said one. “Arnold did hold Republican support as California governor for 8 years even though he’s pro-choice, pro-gay rights and pro-gun control. So, really, anything’s possible.”

Former NFL player and coach, Mike Ditka
Former NFL player, coach and ultra-conservative Mike Ditka—who almost ran against Obama in 2004 for an open seat in the U.S. Senate for Illinois—announced his plan to oppose frontrunner, Mitt Romney, in the Republican nomination.

Ditka punched his fist into the air and said, “Someone has to wipe that smirk off Romney’s face. Might as well be someone with THREE Super Bowl rings.” According to Ditka’s press secretary, fellow Republican Meatloaf has already been slated to sing at the presidential inauguration.

Actor and political activist Charlton Heston sent a message from the otherworld (through Shirley MacLaine) that he’s tempted to come back to join the 2012 race.

Shirley said Heston posed these questions: “Is it possible, like the Oscars, to be nominated for U.S. President posthumously?” “What kind of name is Mitt?” and “Who in their right mind wouldn’t vote for Moses?”

Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari of "Bosom Buddies"
On the Democratic side, fan favorite Tom Hanks announced his bid for the party’s nomination.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Obama, but I want to be sure a Democrat stays in the White House,” said Hanks. “And I believe the current political climate is calling for a Bosom Buddy.”

Hanks said he already has plans to appoint Steven Spielberg as Cabinet Director. The actor’s potential vice presidential running mates are Steven King, Larry David and Oprah.

Peter Scolari declined to comment.

Political analyst Thomas Q. Walsh had this to say: “Being famous does not guarantee political victory.” [examples: John Glenn, Oliver North and Bill Bradley] “A celebrity needs three things for a chance of winning: excellent communication skills, political shrewdness and the ability to stay out of the tabloids.” Thankfully, this rules out the Kardashians.

Walsh added, “The best celebrity candidates are those who can relate to the average American.”

When pressed for an opinion on the current crop of Hollywood candidates, Walsh said, “Sports are huge in middle America. So is pent-up rage. I think Ditka has the best shot.”

See ya, Obama. Make way for Da Prez.